If her H wants to go and has asked to go, that is entirely different. My sense was that he merely "agreed" to go. That, combined with him (AT THIS POINT) being pretty clear in his own mind that he does not want an M with her, suggests that he is just going to make her happy and ease his own guilt. He probably thinks it will make the D or pseudo-D (whatever it is he envisions) easier for her. I see nothing to suggest that he is going because he actually wants to work on the R.
I got XH to go to MC for my sake. Pretty easy to do, he wasn't a bad guy and wanted to spare me pain. We went weekly for 6+ months. He would never even commit to trying. It is very clear to me that the process of MC was very bad for both of us. It prevented both of us from getting enough space to gain any perspective. Looking back, we were both probably trying to get something out of it -- he was trying to get me to recognize and accept that he did not want to stay with me, I was trying to get him to realize how "crazy" he was being. Neither of us was engaged with the other person's project and the MC merely emphasized our problems and invalidated both our perspectives.
There are very many similar stories around here about just how pointless, and worse, counterproductive, MC is when only only one partner has any interest in trying to keep the M together.
Now, things are totally different if Mamabear's H has suggested he wants to try to be in an M with her, but he is afraid things won't work out and won't make any promises, blah blah blah... Ye olde, I'll try but no guarantees line... In that case, I think MC could be very helpful.
If there are underlying issues that need to be addressed seperately them he will do that.
Sounds good. My advice then is to NOT push for any clarification as to what your H wants (D or no-D, etc...) Also, don't push to have a joint session anytime soon. In fact, you might insist that you could use some individual sessions yourself to begin with in which you could work on your need to control the situation and on how to focus on taking care of yourself and your own happiness.
Ok OT, I have a direct (lol) question for you. How did you go from being what SOUNDS like "one of us" that seemed to struggle with a lot of the same stuff, to being this person who has a lot of the answers? (sorry for the question to invite a hijack...)
I let go, got honest with myself, quit trying to control the outcome, accepted the legitimacy of XH's pain, realized my own pain and accepted it, and realized that I choose how to live my life and whether or not to be happy. As long as you are still trying to "win" and "be right," you are on the wrong path. No one on this earth owes you a part of themselves they don't want to share, for whatever reason.
With the exception of truly abused spouses on this board, none of us are victims. None of us are having knives plunged to us that our attacker twists with glee. We all choose to accept certain treatment or not. We all choose whether or not to expose ourselves to toxic situations. We all choose whether or not to treat ourselves with compassion and respect.
So OT, to continue the hijack, are you saying that it's the OWNERSHIP of one's decisions, not necessarily the decisions themselves that is most important? Is that why people here, myself included, often think you are going to react negatively to something we posted, only to have you do the opposite when what we did or said was done of our own free will, and because WE wanted to do/say it? Is it because there are no "right" or "wrong" decisions so long as they are ours, and ours alone?
Of course I think there are right and wrong decisions. But, a lot of what makes them right or wrong depends on your intentions and motivation. I think I posted something about this on NMs thread awhile ago.
Sweating the small stuff is pointless. Your M does not depend on whether you cook chicken or steak one night.
Quote: If her H wants to go and has asked to go, that is entirely different. My sense was that he merely "agreed" to go.
Mama, I would urge you to let your H out of this if he grumbles or complains about it at all. If he feels "forced" to go in any way, then you're only pressuring and pursuing. That's not DB at all and it probably won't help -- just cause him to rebel more.
My W was going to joint MC with me and I ended it because it was only making things worse by helping her focus on all the things she disliked about being married to me and how much better the OM was in those areas.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: Mama, I would urge you to let your H out of this if he grumbles or complains about it at all. If he feels "forced" to go in any way, then you're only pressuring and pursuing. That's not DB at all and it probably won't help -- just cause him to rebel more.
Update, told him about counselor and he sounded ok until I said our appt. was tonight - he "grumbled" Then he found out couselor was a man - he'd prefer a woman. Found out we would be together - would rather go alone. He says it is hard to be brutally honest with me because I get defensive.
Wow, you might not see it, but this is really great. First, he is being honest with you about how difficult it is for him to try to talk to you. Second, he sounds as though he wants to see someone by himself -- which is probably exactly what he needs right now.
Now is your chance to validate and be supportive.
Validate his need to have someone to talk to without the added pressure of dealing with your emotional needs. Be supportive by telling him you think he is strong for being willing to work with someone individually.
"H, I thought alot about what you said, and you are right. I can see how it must be very hard for you to process things while trying to deal with my defensiveness and hurt feelings. Now really is a time for you to have someone to talk to for your own sake. I'm glad you recognize that and pointed it out to me. I agree that it really makes sense for me not to be a part of you seeing someone right now. I really appreciate your honesty in telling me — it makes me feel respected and helps me in my own life. Also, I have to tell you, I really admire your strength and courage in being willing to see someone individually. That takes a lot of guts and really shows a lot of personal responsibility. Anyway, it is best for me that you not feel my presence in your R with a therapist, so it probably makes sense for me to step away from the topic. Our health insurance people can help you find someone if you decide to go that route. Thanks again for your directness and courage."
Of course, don't say any of that if you can't be sincere, it will backfire. But, if you can find compassion for him and give up some control, you might find that you might be able to mean it
