Ok, been off the board for a few days. Went to my parents over the weekend. My B and SIL and their baby were also there. Had a good time. I thought everyone treated my H very well. Talked a little with my B, he said I really need to back off and give my H space. This being from a man's point of view. Again, this is very hard for me as I have zero patience.
Kids were all sleeping on the 3 hour drive home so we did have a R talk (I initiated, of course). H feels like he lost that loving feeling and doesn't know if or how to get it back. Said we never did things as a couple and if we did all we talked about were the kids. We agreed that we both enjoy bowling and talked about joining a league. We did take the kids bowling last night and had a really fun time. H suggested that we do this more often.
After we got home and I put the kids to bed and we were watching TV H asked me to stand up. Then he stood up and gave me a huge hug and thanked me for everything. I couldn't believe it. Wow did it feel good! Baby steps
I've been thinking about your plans to get a job for a few days now, and wondering if my thoughts on this would be any use. Here goes: If you love being a stay at home mom, then don't give it up just to do a 180. We only have one chance to raise our kids, and the time is precious. Now, I work half-time becuase I must to make ends meet, but I would love to stay home full time with S2 - especially since it now looks like there won't be any more children for me... Anyway, from reading your thread I get that your children are everything to you, and while I support you seeking more balance, I think there is another way besides putting the kids in daycare. I think we talk about GAL as get-a-job becuase most people on this list are working adults, but that isn't really the intention. Certainly, work would give you more support and more financial stability in some ways, and I'm not trying to overlook that. I just wanted to be a small voice letting you know it is okay to love staying home with your kids. You can still get a life by: 1. working part time or in the evenings (tricky because it takes away from family time, but possible.) 2. joining a mom's group with activities that are age appropriate for your kids. If you are near any metropolitan area there are also loads of "mommy's night out" groups. You are internet savvy if you are here - so take a look around. 3. volunteering in some small way that would include your kids - say doing childcare at church two sundays a month (?)
PLease don't think I am discouraging you if you are sure you want to work - do what you think is best. Also, I remember reading a study in grad school where they found that children did equally well in or out of daycare, if the parents felt good about the choice to put the kids in daycare. The children that didn't do as well had parents who were unsure or feeling bad about using daycare. Where do you fall in this mix? Hang in there - it looks like things are okay for you right now. Just know that I am reading your thread and wishing you the best. erin
I'm not familiar with your sitch at all. I just clicked on and read that your B said that you need to give H space. I thought how lucky you are to have people that you can trust giving you good advice.
Then, I read that your H gave you that big hug and I started crying. THat's what love is about. Hang in there. He still loves you. You're an amazing wife and he is very lucky.
Erin and Whitelight, Nice to "meet" you. Erin, I really do enjoy staying home with my kids but sometimes I feel that that is why I have nothing else to talk about. If I had a job, maybe I could create more interesting conversations with my H. I don't know....
Whitelight, I got another hug this morning and I slept in our room last night for the first time since October (along with S4, 1 dog and 1 cat-lol)
Anyway, I know deep down my H does love me, he just got lost and caught up in the infatuation of the A. I hope with all of my heart that the A fizzles out and my H and I can reconnect.
Question: When your spouse makes half-hearted attempts to pacify you into thinking that you are on your way to working things out, but then continues to do things that make you believe they are still involved with the OP - do you back off or confront them?
I expect the half-hearted things he does are out of the pressure he feels not to hurt you and wanting to feel like a good guy.
You want to see them as signs of his imminent return to you. Has he said that they are? From what I understand, the answer is no. So, his hugs are probably meant to comfort you through that pain. This is just one of the many reasons it is not a good idea to rely on your estranged spouse for comfort.
If he is not in the R to the degree you would like him to be, you shouldn't be there either. Back off.
Goodbye to all my friends that have given me so much encouragement and support to fight for my marriage; GH, OT, RB, Always, etc.
I am officially done DB'ing. It all came out tonight over dinner. We had a huge blowout. H cannot stand me because of my past sexual experiences (before we met), he called me a whore and says he cannot touch me EVER! I tried to tell him that it is not fair that he judge me by my past, that I am a changed person since I met him. He doesn't want to hear it. He wants to stay together for our kids. I don't know how I can do that. Regardless, there is absolutely nothing I can do that can change his mind. I make him sick and I repulse him.
So, thanks again for all your kind words. I wish you all the best and pray that all of you heal your relationships with your spouses. For all the work that you have done, I question if they even deserve you, but I know that you are all fantastic people for working so hard to save your families. God Bless You.
Mama, I'm so heartbroken to read what you posted tonight. It's clear to me that he's trying to push his own guilt onto you because he simply can't bear the burden of what he has done. I'll pray for you for sure.
Just to let you know, my W and I had a blowout on Sunday after she told me that she was going to invite OM back and move back in with him. The next day, she flipped completely and is working to remove OM from her life and get right with God. God can change any situation, so please don't accept what just happened as the final word on the subject.
All the best .....
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RB, you have given me a kick in the butt a few times and I thank you for that. Unfortunately, that is when I thought the issue was the A and the OW. At this point, I cannot blame anything on the affair. My H has apparently felt this way for years. The OW probably intensified these feelings in the fact that he saw there was more to life than me, and my illicit past. I make him sick, he even questioned if he was the father of our second child - how dare he????? I am with him because of his high morals. I am not saying that I was a slut, but it was the 80's and I was young and stupid. With my H I found the life that I was so desperately looking for. I found my soulmate, my best friend, my companion, a person I could count on in good times and bad. But all he saw was the person that I was. It doesn't matter to him that I have been honest, devoted and faithful, he cannot get past my old way of life. He says I settled for him. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.
Anyway, to continue to DB would be pointless. I will continue to come back here for a while since I have come to care for some of you (you know who you are) and truely hope to see many success stories. Again, thank you.
Mama, whatever you did before you met him didn't deter him from wanting to marry you. It didn't stop him from being crazy about you at the time. I don't believe that there is any way that he truly felt this before the OW came along and warped his thought process. If so, the intensity of that feeling was nothing like what it is now, because of her.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
