You are so right! when I think about it, I am selfish. This is all about me isn't it? Oh poor me, my H doesn't love me anymore. How could he do this to me? Blah, blah..It is all about my insecurities and low self-esteem. These are definite things I need to improve upon.
That being said....I didn't see your post till this morning - the following is my jouraling:
Last night H went out drinking cause he didn't want to come home until the kids I babysit were gone. That's fine by me, I completely understand. I also keep trying to drill into my pea brain that as far as he is concerned we are just two people that live in the same house, there is no marriage at all.
But...when he came staggering in I had to do something. Not because I want him to commit to a reconciliation but out of concern for the father of my 3 small children.
I told him basically that I am sorry that he is so unhappy but I couldn't see how going out drinking every night is solving anything. He totally agreed. I told him I appreciated the fact that he doesn't stay out all night anymore but drinking and driving is playing russian roulette. You all know the consequences without my spelling them out to you. Not to mention the fact that his occupation involves driving so he would automatically loose his job if he were to get DUI. I said how do you think the kids feel? They are on spring break and you have the opportunity to come home and do something with them but you choose not to. I told him I didn't want to get a call and have to drag them to either a police station, hospital or worse.
He said since he is off next week he would like to try to work on things with me, our R and our finances. He said if we can't do it by ourselves he would go to a counselor with me. I told him I would like that because before I throw in the towel I want to be sure we did everything we could to save our M. We talked about the alternative; sell the house and everything in it, file bancruptcy, both be living in run down apartments, each working two jobs and passing the kids back and forth every week. He said he definitely didn't want that.
We agreed that we are both passive "What do you want to do? I don't care, whatever you want to do" Neither one of us ever speaks what is truely in our minds and hearts. We both hate confrontation. We don't communicate our needs and wants to eachother. We have been letting life just happen to us. We are both enablers.
I told him before I could do any of this I had to be sure the OW was out of the picture. I also told him if he wants to be with her then he needs to be honest and tell me and I will understand and let him go without a fight. He kept saying there is no OW that he is ready to try to fix things.
Sorry for rambling.....anyway, I am proceeding with caution cause since he had been drinking he may not remember any of this today.
