I've been lurking around other posts and happend upon one where OT stated she was tired of watching people shoot themselves in the foot and others here responding as cheerleaders.
I'm looking for some fresh advise from someone who has been there before me.
My H and I get along fairly well in all aspects except our M. This I believe is because he is involved with someone else and can't see the forest thru the trees.
We still live together which I feel is an advantage. I have been doing this for 6 months now and although I have read atleast 10 relationship repair books and DR on a daily basis I feel that I am doing it wrong.
My H works with the OW so this is where I get insecure. Recently I feel like we have been getting along a little better but H is still confused.
If you need more info or if you could dispense some of your wisdom on me I would truly appreciate it. Thank you.
Quit doing things because you think it will change him. Quit doing things that hurt you -- like treating him as though he is your H and a reliable father and then feeling let down, along with your kids.
He is not in an M R with you, quit imposing expectations that you would have of an H on him.
Let him go, let him feel what it is like to have the space he wants right now.
If he reaches out to you and it isn't enough for you, tell him directly rather than ignoring an effort that was probably very difficult for him (re the weak invite to your bedroom).
Set clear boundaries and communicate them. I suspect the real reason you didn't take up his invite is because of your suspicions (which are probably right, I've never known them to be wrong) that your H is having an affair.
So, what is your boundary here? If you choose to sleep alone until you know that you are in a monogomous, committed R with someone who loves you and wants to share a life with you (or at least try), then tell him so.
Choose to deal with uncertainty about what is going on in his life or confront him on his dishonesty.
What is good about living with him? How is it helping you cope or feel good or grow? If you can't do things to make it a good situation for yourself, then change the situation.
Do not expect him to make you feel better after he hurts you by not being the H he wants. Allowing him to comfort you lets him feel like a good guy. Allowing him to comfort you is damaging to you -- like going to your abuser to bandage your wounds.
Be independent. Get a life. Do not base your decisions on how H will react -- you don't know how he will react. Base your decisions on who you want to be, how you want to treat others, and what will help you through this.
You have good reason to feel insecure. Your H has left your M. The OW is a symptom of that, not the cause.
Quit blaming the sitch on OW and your H being irrational and confused. There are reasons he feels as he does, there are reasons that he has made the choices he has. Quit invalidating these in your own mind. Quit feeling and acting like the condescending wife/mother who knows best while her spouse/child runs amok. Respect him, get some compassion. Accept that he was in a great deal of pain to get to this point. He believes this pain is due to you and probably due to things he thinks you cannot change. He may or may not return to you.
You, after all, are thinking that all your pain is because of him. It is not. I sincerely doubt that you were happy in your M before it started. Own your own pain. Find your own strength and happiness.
If you are afraid to let go because you think you will stop loving him, that is a sorry excuse to hang on. If you are afraid to let go because you think he will forget you, you should ask yourself why you would want to spend so little time with a man you think cares about you so little and why you want to manipulate him into staying. If you are afraid to let go because it will mean that your M was not what you thought it was, it is about time to face that cold hard fact right now.
Your M was troubled. I cannot believe you were happy. Identify the things you did to contribute the problems and work on being someone who does things in a different way. Identify the ways you failed to take care of yourself in terms of finding your own happiness in your life and remedy them.
FORGET about trying to change him. LET HIM GO so he can figure out that his pain doesn't disappear with your absence. Only then will he really begin to gain perspective and give serious consideration to whether he wants to really try again -- he may, he may not. Even if he does, he may leave again. You cannot control any of this. All you can do is get to a place where you are happy and then choose what you want in terms of that R in your life and what risks YOU are willing to take.
Quit playing the sad unhappy victim of love. Whether you reconcile or not, Your old R is OVER. Time to move on and GAL in which you acknowledge that YOUR OLD R IS OVER, embrace the positive aspects of this change, learn from the pain.
And, quit the eggshell walking, feelings coddling behavior. Quit being your H's emotional nursemaid. He is an adult, quit parenting him, quit managing the effects of his actions for him, quit covering for him.
Quit denying your own feelings for his sake. Accept them, deal with them. Quit waiting for him to rescue you.
OT, you are so wise. I really appreciate your help. I hope some day I will be able to help others on this board too.
Quote: He is an adult, quit parenting him
This is possibly your best advice to me. Several times he has told me that he does not like the condenscending way I sometimes speak to him and the fact that I take care of him like I am his mother. Now, I do not recognize when I am condenscending so I will have to work on that. As far as taking care of him, this is a learned behavior from my childhood. My mother does EVERYTHING for my Dad. As a matter of fact I have always said that if she passes away before him he will probably go within the next few weeks. My mother does EVERYTHING for everyone. She never does anything for herself. I assumed that this was what wifes and mothers do, I didn't know any better. Now while this is perfectly acceptable for my Dad it makes my H feel like a child. He is capable for doing things for himself.
So, it looks like I have some 180's to work on as well as reevaluating my non-M and working on GAL.
Thank you so much. Let me know if I go off track again
If H has a drinking problem and is willing to do something about it, there is help, and not just AA. There are 2 medications that have proven quite successful if used along with group therapy and counseling. The first is Naltrexone. This medication helps eliminate the cravings for alcohol. Also, if he should drink while taking it, he won't get the buzz he normally gets. He may get stupid and fall down, but no buzz to speak of. Also, if he takes any opiate based pain medication, it (the pain med) will have no effect.
The second is Campral. This medication helps retore the chemical balance in the brain that becomes distorted after years of drinking. These medications need to be taken for 6 months. They are non-mind-altering and work well with other meds like anti-anxiety agents that H may have to take when he first quits. If he chooses to go to AA, tell him to keep his mouth shut about meds. They are somewhat close-minded about this, which is why you haven't heard more about these drugs. Please look into them.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
NM, It's just the kick in the butt I need. I also hope that others can benefit from OT's advice as well.
Everyone here has been so supportive, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this board. OT seems to be very objective and tells it like it is, holds nothing back. I was looking for a different perspective when I asked for her advice, so I sure hope I didn't offend any of my friends here.
I think my H goes out drinking to get away from life. But like OT says, I cannot concern myself too much with his actions right now. He is not acting like a H should. I have continued to act like his wife and I guess I really shouldn't right now. He needs to feel my absense. This will be extremely difficult for me to do. Again, I am considering his feelings. Why? I'll have to think deep about that since obviously he does not consider my feelings. Am I afraid that I will loose him? Yes I am. I am scrambling trying whatever I can. I guess I have to consider that if he chooses to go it is really out of my hands. I don't know
Alot of what I do is out of unconitional love. I guess I need to stop some of that and maybe as they say around here GO DARK.
Last word here... I may be wrong, but I'd say a lot of what you do is out of habit, out of need to feel good about yourself, and out of need to feel some kind of reaction from him.
Unconditional love means accepting a person for who they are despite their faults, respecting what they want from life and from you, and trying to exercise compassion to understand their actions that cause you pain.
Unconditional love does not mean continuing to impose yourself and your emotional needs on another person when they are not interested in reciprocity -- that is burdensome.
Unconditional love does not mean continuing to tie your emotional health and happiness to someone who does not want any share of that responsibility -- that is selfishness.
Unconditional love does not mean managing the other person's feelings, protecting them from themselves, doing what is "best" for them against their wishes, and blocking the path to change they have chosen -- that is controlling.
Unconditional love means letting go of someone who wants to try life without you and sincerely wishing them the best in your heart and finding forgiveness over and over again for how they treat you.
OT, YOU ARE THE MAN (so to speak). I think people, myself included, really need to digest those posts. What can I say, you are one of a kind. As with every other day, I thank you...and these weren't even for me...lol.
You are so right! when I think about it, I am selfish. This is all about me isn't it? Oh poor me, my H doesn't love me anymore. How could he do this to me? Blah, blah..It is all about my insecurities and low self-esteem. These are definite things I need to improve upon.
That being said....I didn't see your post till this morning - the following is my jouraling:
Last night H went out drinking cause he didn't want to come home until the kids I babysit were gone. That's fine by me, I completely understand. I also keep trying to drill into my pea brain that as far as he is concerned we are just two people that live in the same house, there is no marriage at all.
But...when he came staggering in I had to do something. Not because I want him to commit to a reconciliation but out of concern for the father of my 3 small children.
I told him basically that I am sorry that he is so unhappy but I couldn't see how going out drinking every night is solving anything. He totally agreed. I told him I appreciated the fact that he doesn't stay out all night anymore but drinking and driving is playing russian roulette. You all know the consequences without my spelling them out to you. Not to mention the fact that his occupation involves driving so he would automatically loose his job if he were to get DUI. I said how do you think the kids feel? They are on spring break and you have the opportunity to come home and do something with them but you choose not to. I told him I didn't want to get a call and have to drag them to either a police station, hospital or worse.
He said since he is off next week he would like to try to work on things with me, our R and our finances. He said if we can't do it by ourselves he would go to a counselor with me. I told him I would like that because before I throw in the towel I want to be sure we did everything we could to save our M. We talked about the alternative; sell the house and everything in it, file bancruptcy, both be living in run down apartments, each working two jobs and passing the kids back and forth every week. He said he definitely didn't want that.
We agreed that we are both passive "What do you want to do? I don't care, whatever you want to do" Neither one of us ever speaks what is truely in our minds and hearts. We both hate confrontation. We don't communicate our needs and wants to eachother. We have been letting life just happen to us. We are both enablers.
I told him before I could do any of this I had to be sure the OW was out of the picture. I also told him if he wants to be with her then he needs to be honest and tell me and I will understand and let him go without a fight. He kept saying there is no OW that he is ready to try to fix things.
Sorry for rambling.....anyway, I am proceeding with caution cause since he had been drinking he may not remember any of this today.
Ok, after doing some serious soul searching I have come to the realization that I cannot depend on my H for my happiness (duh) So although being a stay at home mom brings me much joy I need to find other ways to feel good about myself, to be independent and not rely on my happiness to come solely from the R I have or have not with my H.
After being out of the workforce for nearly 10 years I think I would like to jump back in. This will require putting kids in daycare but I think the benefit to my personal self growth will out weigh the obstacles.
Next week my H is off, since I am constantly tied down with the kids I will make use of this time and work on my resume and seriously job hunt.
I realize that I cannot get my H do to something that deep in his heart he is not ready to do. I am at a point where I cannot sit here and wait. I must, as they say, GAL and that doesn't mean workout more and be nicer. But seriously get a life. Be independent. Having a happy and loving family and marriage is great but that is just icing on the cake. I have put myself and my needs on the back burner for so long that this will truly be my 180. Some say, myself included, that my kids are my life. When you think about it, that is not healthy. Someday they will grow up and move out and then what kind of a "life" will I have. To be a better mother and spouse and I must be a whole person first. Just rambling....I need to put my thoughts into words.
