Quit doing things because you think it will change him. Quit doing things that hurt you -- like treating him as though he is your H and a reliable father and then feeling let down, along with your kids.
He is not in an M R with you, quit imposing expectations that you would have of an H on him.
Let him go, let him feel what it is like to have the space he wants right now.
If he reaches out to you and it isn't enough for you, tell him directly rather than ignoring an effort that was probably very difficult for him (re the weak invite to your bedroom).
Set clear boundaries and communicate them. I suspect the real reason you didn't take up his invite is because of your suspicions (which are probably right, I've never known them to be wrong) that your H is having an affair.
So, what is your boundary here? If you choose to sleep alone until you know that you are in a monogomous, committed R with someone who loves you and wants to share a life with you (or at least try), then tell him so.
Choose to deal with uncertainty about what is going on in his life or confront him on his dishonesty.
What is good about living with him? How is it helping you cope or feel good or grow? If you can't do things to make it a good situation for yourself, then change the situation.
Do not expect him to make you feel better after he hurts you by not being the H he wants. Allowing him to comfort you lets him feel like a good guy. Allowing him to comfort you is damaging to you -- like going to your abuser to bandage your wounds.
Be independent. Get a life. Do not base your decisions on how H will react -- you don't know how he will react. Base your decisions on who you want to be, how you want to treat others, and what will help you through this.
You have good reason to feel insecure. Your H has left your M. The OW is a symptom of that, not the cause.
Quit blaming the sitch on OW and your H being irrational and confused. There are reasons he feels as he does, there are reasons that he has made the choices he has. Quit invalidating these in your own mind. Quit feeling and acting like the condescending wife/mother who knows best while her spouse/child runs amok. Respect him, get some compassion. Accept that he was in a great deal of pain to get to this point. He believes this pain is due to you and probably due to things he thinks you cannot change. He may or may not return to you.
You, after all, are thinking that all your pain is because of him. It is not. I sincerely doubt that you were happy in your M before it started. Own your own pain. Find your own strength and happiness.
If you are afraid to let go because you think you will stop loving him, that is a sorry excuse to hang on. If you are afraid to let go because you think he will forget you, you should ask yourself why you would want to spend so little time with a man you think cares about you so little and why you want to manipulate him into staying. If you are afraid to let go because it will mean that your M was not what you thought it was, it is about time to face that cold hard fact right now.
Your M was troubled. I cannot believe you were happy. Identify the things you did to contribute the problems and work on being someone who does things in a different way. Identify the ways you failed to take care of yourself in terms of finding your own happiness in your life and remedy them.
FORGET about trying to change him. LET HIM GO so he can figure out that his pain doesn't disappear with your absence. Only then will he really begin to gain perspective and give serious consideration to whether he wants to really try again -- he may, he may not. Even if he does, he may leave again. You cannot control any of this. All you can do is get to a place where you are happy and then choose what you want in terms of that R in your life and what risks YOU are willing to take.
Quit playing the sad unhappy victim of love. Whether you reconcile or not, Your old R is OVER. Time to move on and GAL in which you acknowledge that YOUR OLD R IS OVER, embrace the positive aspects of this change, learn from the pain.
And, quit the eggshell walking, feelings coddling behavior. Quit being your H's emotional nursemaid. He is an adult, quit parenting him, quit managing the effects of his actions for him, quit covering for him.
Quit denying your own feelings for his sake. Accept them, deal with them. Quit waiting for him to rescue you.
