Always, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it so much.
Yesterday when H cam home and found out all my babysitting kids had left already he asked if I wanted to go out. We usually take the kids to this pizza place on Thursdays. I said that was fine. We took our kids and one of my daughters friends. We laughed and had a good time. Even though the whole while I was upset about something (I didn't let on). I had seen his paycheck on the counter and looked at it, he was paid for a personal day last week - news to me, he supposedly went to work each day. Then I made the connection that it must have been on the 16th since he withdrew about $100 from our checking account that same day and he also didn't come home until later - kids had to walk home from school in the snow. So, you guessed it, he was probably with HER. I later saw him look at it and immediately shove it into the pocket of his jeans - too late buddy.
It infuriates me on so many levels; 1. I am really trying. 2. He has repeatedly told me that it is over - lies. 3. He is taking our family money, which we don't have, and spending it on her. 4. He is finding it more important to spend time with her than his children whom hang on him for dear life when he is here.
But....I kept all of this in my head and "acted as if". I did not react to my emotions. As I have stated earlier I have chosen to stay in this M and look the other way right now. I will continue to work on me. The reason that he has been so nice lately is probably not because he is starting to come around but he probably thinks I believe his lies and he is pulling the wool over my eyes. On the other hand maybe things between them are slowly ending which would account for the fact that he doesn't go out as much and stay out as late as he used to. He could be cooling things alittle but keeping her in the wings waiting to see if the changes in me are for real. Who knows, remember what it means to ASSume?
My kids are on spring break next week and I am going to make sure that we have fun, with or without H.
Quote: But....I kept all of this in my head and "acted as if". I did not react to my emotions. As I have stated earlier I have chosen to stay in this M and look the other way right now. I will continue to work on me. The reason that he has been so nice lately is probably not because he is starting to come around but he probably thinks I believe his lies and he is pulling the wool over my eyes. On the other hand maybe things between them are slowly ending which would account for the fact that he doesn't go out as much and stay out as late as he used to. He could be cooling things alittle but keeping her in the wings waiting to see if the changes in me are for real. Who knows, remember what it means to ASSume?
Mama, it's scary sometimes how similar our sitch's are (but ain't that the truth for most of us here). I often wonder if my W is doing "better" because she thinks she's finally figured out how to fool me in all this. In my mind there are thousand different reasons for her behavior over the past couple weeks, and none of them is that she is ready to "come back" and the OM is out of the picture. Sad really. Of course, my W does not insist things are over between her and the OM, but does ACT like they are.
Yes, it is VERY dangerous to assume in our positions, but that danger goes both ways. Assuming things are great, or better is probably just as bad as assuming they're not. We just don't know, and it's based on THAT lack of information that we proceed.
Sure, it's scary, but it's the truth. Knowing that truth allows you to either pursue the answers or proceed without them, but NOT proceed thinking you know the answers.
I hate this part, this limbo we're in, as I know you do too but remember how much better this is than when we first started down this road, even if only from the perspective that WE are better for it. The idea that they may be "pulling the wool over our eyes" is inconsequential because we are NOT basing our decisions on them so much as us and how WE want to be. Their actions are only to be observed and evaluated but not necessarily acted upon.
I think you did great to ignore the stimuli and NOT react. Keep what you know filed away and if you ever need it, it will be right where you put it. Don't dwell on it though. It will only bring you down. If you can't put it out of your mind, then be direct and get an answer from him, but realize it may be one you won't like, or probably a lie.
Again, you did great, and most importantly, you acted in a way that is according to what your plan/goal is. That means you are making decisions and that is a good thing.
Hi Folks...popping back over again. I understand completely. I am in the same sitch. H still keeps taking $, talking to OW, and I can only assume hanging out with her. For me, it's best to assume the worst, get over it and move on.
A few weeks ago, I was scared to leave for vacation for 2+ weeks, now I can't wait to go. I don't care what happens, what goes on. Should I live my life in fear of leaving all the time? I can't and won't live like that. I will do my best as ME, and that's all I can do. Good enough, who knows.
In my case, H flat out told me that he has "lots of friends" at work that he hangs with, helps with $. He said that he knew that he needed to cut all that out, and throw himself with full love into our M if he was to committ...but he was "confused", not in love. So, it was like him saying, I'm still seeing if this can work, and until then, I will do what I damn well please. I did read in an email that he did cut things back to a "friend" level...but why the need for secrecy with all these people. Also, that made me feel better is that he's been in contact with several FF coworkers...I personally think it's a self-esteem thing...he was so sick of feeling like a failure in our M, that he is easily vulnerable to anyone who needs him in a good way, appreciates him, has fun with him, never complains. I was hurt when I read an email from OW, pissed that she had been trying to contact him and he had not b.c he was busy...he was sweet about it with her..said her care for him meant a lot, she was a good friend to him (nice that he at least called her just a friend). It was also nice to see that he blew her off too when busy.
I act as if too...the bank statements are RIGHT there...but I don't ask. I'm not dumb. I know this will have to end soon, and if it gets to a level where I have detached completely and too toxic, then I know where the door is. Until then, I'm being patient, as he was for me, until this phase is over.
I hate when all this bothers me and affects me. I feel like my life is suddenly on the Jerry Springer show. It makes it easier to walk away from . I can think the worst, who cares. I am better than that, better than deserving of a life like this for long, I will not be insecure over some twit of a woman who he has known just for 6 months or less. H even said that "How can you think that she means more to me, or I am into her more than you when I have just known her for a few months...doesn't compare..." But, with all the lies, is this is a lie too? But, lately, H has not been into being nice to me and saying nice things if he is not truly feeling it.
Stand up, stay strong and proud. You are a WONDERFUL woman. You deserve better than this...you WILL NOT be lowered to these standards.
Nothing much to update. H picked up the kids from school yesterday and spent the evening at home with us. He seems to be doing this more and more. In the beginning he was going out about 4 nights a week and staying out all night 1 night a week. It felt to me like he was running away, he didn't want to be around me. In the beginning I was a complete basket case. He never knew what to expect, would I be crying my eyes out, would I be angry and upset, would I bring up our M and try to reason with him about how he should be feeling.....
Now, I am always pleasant, I do not cry, if I am angry I bury it in my head, and I NEVER bring up or M, R or OW.
I really don't have to do any of those things, my H knows how I feel. Yes, some of us are now entering the limboland stage where it seems like we are not moving forward but you have to admit that this is better than the stage we were recently in.
This is where we really need to lovingly detach, and give our S's space to be themselves. We need to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. We need to own our feelings and not blame others for the way we feel. We need to let go of the fear of the unknown and love ourselves more.
Nothing much to update in limboland. H went out after work Saturday - I was angry but refused to let my anger control me. He called on his way home to see if I needed anything and kept apologizing for the time - it was around 5:00. I was pleasant and upbeat and told him not to worry we were all fine. He stopped at a drugstore on the way and picked up a little transformer for my son and pokemon cards for my girls and.....gave me 3 scratch off lotto tickets and said "Here, I got you a present too!"
Sunday was another nice day. We watched Spanglish in the morning, he was very quiet during the scene when Tia Leoni confesses to Adam Sandler (her H) that she had an affair. Maybe gave him something to think about. Anyway, after that went out to eat with kids then went to the place we met and had a couple of beers. Kids thought that was cool. Came home and H asked me to download some songs and make him a CD.
Several times during the day I was tempted to ask if we were doing better, but held my tongue. Last R talk was only 2 weeks ago so I don't want to rush things or ruin things.
I think in your/our sitch, no news is good news sometimes. I am starting to embrace that as my current challange. I think your line about not asking if things were better between you and H was right on. I should have listened to that little voice inside me that was shouted down by the BIG voice inside me. I should NOT have asked W anything, but it's done, and I don't know if it was good or bad (seems bad). In any event, I think if you are ok with just what you can observe, and NOT read into it too much, then limbo can be bearable. If you NEED to know things, and by knowing I mean you have to have them tell you, then I guess you're screwed because as I found out, until THEY are ready to talk, it ain't happenin'.
Quote: We watched Spanglish in the morning, he was very quiet during the scene when Tia Leoni confesses to Adam Sandler (her H) that she had an affair. Maybe gave him something to think about.
LOL! I'll have to check Spanglish out!
When I was at W's apartment two weeks ago and watched a movie, we put on "The Family Man" and it was just as good. I was loving it when Nic Cage's character is telling his friend about possibly having an affair and his best friend tells him how stupid that would be and how can he ignore all that he has going for him in his marriage. That had to make my W uncomfortable.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Journaling.... Kids are off from school this week. Monday planned to go bowling when H got home from work. No call, he didn't come home until 8:00 - drunk - again. Kept saying he was sorry, he thinks he has a drinking problem, he said he drinks more than I know, after work everyday even before he picks up kids from school (Well I do know, just haven't said anything). I just let him talk. He did say that he didn't care if I slept in our room with him. Well, that didn't really sound like much of an invitation and until I think he wants to work on fixing our R I don't think I can.
Tuesday, asked him if he was coming straight home from work today as kids really want to go bowling as a family. He said yes. By 4:00 he wasn't home, daughter tried calling him but no answer so I said screw it we are going without him. We went bowling and had fun, daughter tried calling him again (even though I advised her not to) and my son(4) kept saying a little prayer each time it was his turn that daddy would come. I feel so bad for my kids, he is always letting them down. He called as we were walking in the door at 6:00. He was upset that we went without him (what?) I explained that we tried calling and that we waited for him Monday and had no idea when he was going to come home today.
I tried talking with him when he go home but kids never give us space. I told him first and foremost that I am concerned about his drinking, and the fact that he is out spending money every day in a bar (we are seriously on the verge of declaring bancruptcy). I asked him why was he so sad. He said he has been having some good days but he feels he is getting older and is not happy with things in his life. He felt like he was in a rut and his life was so predictable, he wanted to start doing things differently.(Midlife Crisis?) He is not happy with his job but because of his lack of education feels there is nothing else he can do. I tried to get him to think of something he could maybe do on a part-time basis that he would enjoy, he came up with excuses for everything I suggested.
I asked if part of the reason that he was so sad was because he was in love with someone else and either they are broken up now or are still together but can't figure out a way to be together permanently. He said I "think too much", that nothing is going on. Well, I for one have enough evidence to know that something is going on (Hallmark cards and prepaid phones....)
Kids kept interrupting so I really couldn't get anywhere. I'm just sick of this. Why am I trying so hard to get this man to realize all that he has and to love me. He clearly doesn't want to fix our R. How long do I wait? I would like to maybe get a job (for $ and maybe to meet someone)but how can I when he is never here to watch the kids. It has been almost 6 months, and I know to some of you that doesn't seem like much but I don't want to wait for years. Do I just put my needs on hold forever?
Someone give me some direction or a kick in the pants to stop whinning and keep trying, thanks.
Quote: Someone give me some direction or a kick in the pants to stop whinning and keep trying, thanks.
Ok Mama, I am SUPPOSED to be working...no, really, I am...but I will answer your call first. THEN I am really gone for awhile, lol.
Quote: I'm just sick of this. Why am I trying so hard to get this man to realize all that he has and to love me. He clearly doesn't want to fix our R.
Because you love him, deep down believe in your marriage and you are a stubborn woman who refuses to give up just because things are hard. How's that? He clearly doesn't know WTF he wants. That's the ONLY thing that is clear to me reading your posts. Oh, and that maybe he should not be picking the kids up from school drunk. Just a thought.
Quote: How long do I wait?
As long as you want, or as long as it takes, whichever comes first.
Quote: I would like to maybe get a job (for $ and maybe to meet someone)but how can I when he is never here to watch the kids.
Well, you would have to do it the same way you would if he was totally out of the picture. I know it would be hard, and maybe you would basically break even after child care expenses but...
Quote: It has been almost 6 months, and I know to some of you that doesn't seem like much but I don't want to wait for years. Do I just put my needs on hold forever?
Ok, so there is your answer to how long do I wait, but is "years" one year, two, three? You're just tired, I understand but artificial deadlines are not really conducive to this process. Sure, you can imagine that by a year into this you will be SO tired that you cannot go on but then again, who knows, you may have truly GAL by then, gotten that job, met some friends and through those things, gained strength to let THIS need in your life languish a bit more in limbo.
In short, NO, you don't put your needs on hold forever, and really they shouldn't be on hold now. The needs HE fills for you are only SOME of your needs. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of needs that are going unmet that YOU can take care of but are not because of this sitch, right? Focus on those needs, making yourself happier, and maybe the ones he used to fill will fade a bit.
I know you are a strong woman and you'll figure all this out for yourself but we ALL need a reminder every once in awhile why we are putting up with this crap don't we? Consider yourself reminded. Now go have a nice day!
Grasshopper, you have become such a dear friend and I don't even know your name
Quote: Because you love him, deep down believe in your marriage and you are a stubborn woman who refuses to give up just because things are hard.
How do you know me so well? You are absolutely right, I am stubborn and I REFUSE to give up. So for now I guess 1 step forward, 2 steps back is the way to go.
Quote: He clearly doesn't know WTF he wants.
Ain't that the truth!!
I'm glad that you're busier at work, it will keep your mind off of things. Thanks for taking the time to kick me in the pants. And yes, I will go and have a nice day - back at ya buddy
