Journaling.... Kids are off from school this week. Monday planned to go bowling when H got home from work. No call, he didn't come home until 8:00 - drunk - again. Kept saying he was sorry, he thinks he has a drinking problem, he said he drinks more than I know, after work everyday even before he picks up kids from school (Well I do know, just haven't said anything). I just let him talk. He did say that he didn't care if I slept in our room with him. Well, that didn't really sound like much of an invitation and until I think he wants to work on fixing our R I don't think I can.
Tuesday, asked him if he was coming straight home from work today as kids really want to go bowling as a family. He said yes. By 4:00 he wasn't home, daughter tried calling him but no answer so I said screw it we are going without him. We went bowling and had fun, daughter tried calling him again (even though I advised her not to) and my son(4) kept saying a little prayer each time it was his turn that daddy would come. I feel so bad for my kids, he is always letting them down. He called as we were walking in the door at 6:00. He was upset that we went without him (what?) I explained that we tried calling and that we waited for him Monday and had no idea when he was going to come home today.
I tried talking with him when he go home but kids never give us space. I told him first and foremost that I am concerned about his drinking, and the fact that he is out spending money every day in a bar (we are seriously on the verge of declaring bancruptcy). I asked him why was he so sad. He said he has been having some good days but he feels he is getting older and is not happy with things in his life. He felt like he was in a rut and his life was so predictable, he wanted to start doing things differently.(Midlife Crisis?) He is not happy with his job but because of his lack of education feels there is nothing else he can do. I tried to get him to think of something he could maybe do on a part-time basis that he would enjoy, he came up with excuses for everything I suggested.
I asked if part of the reason that he was so sad was because he was in love with someone else and either they are broken up now or are still together but can't figure out a way to be together permanently. He said I "think too much", that nothing is going on. Well, I for one have enough evidence to know that something is going on (Hallmark cards and prepaid phones....)
Kids kept interrupting so I really couldn't get anywhere. I'm just sick of this. Why am I trying so hard to get this man to realize all that he has and to love me. He clearly doesn't want to fix our R. How long do I wait? I would like to maybe get a job (for $ and maybe to meet someone)but how can I when he is never here to watch the kids. It has been almost 6 months, and I know to some of you that doesn't seem like much but I don't want to wait for years. Do I just put my needs on hold forever?
Someone give me some direction or a kick in the pants to stop whinning and keep trying, thanks.
