Awww, how sweet of you to quote me! Yeah, those were some moments/days of real clarity. I like to refer to that as the day that I SNAPPED. Though I realized all of those things before...I just felt so sorry for us that day...I felt like I was floating above the scene of us...like dying. I felt, then and there, that I had to undo the person I became...to break those chains. I do that each day...it's not always easy, but, you have to stay centered to the woman you once were and are growing to become.
You know, I get into real funks where I feel SO guilty about everything. I can't remember ONE good thing I did...H said the same. The fact is, we did. We weren't our best....but, there were lots of moments where I gave him all, and he did the same. I guess I take solace in the fact that we are now able to recognize our transgressions, feel sorry for them, repent and CHANGE. We are humans, and these are moments in life that jolt us to become better. Remember, there are many who walk away from the hard work of change, do it just to reap the benefit of saving a M, or don't see their errors at all.
Focus on GRACE. Sometimes, it all hits me like a wave and my stomach is in knots that I want to puke. It's like I go through my day feeling that this is a phase, H will lift out of the fog as I lifted out of mine. Now, the question is, can we forgive each other for what we did in teh fog? I think I can. I mostly already have.
I guess I'm in the same situation. I don't think H had sex, but there was kissing, etc. It's all the same. He was crazy about her--but I think it wasn't HER, but what she gave (affection, appreciation, care, understanding). She's not his type at all...since our blow out..he never promised to stop calling her, though he lies about things. At least he didn't say that he stopped. I make it clear to him that I know he hangs with others. Since then, I've come across the fact that he has several FF coworkers at work...all friends, but he doesn't tell me. Control is right...he's in that phase...sick of being controlled and demanded by me...he's getting friendship from people who like him, appreciate him, don't look at him like a failure or disappointment. It was a lot better than what I gave.
We can't expect cold turkey cut-off's either. My H said he wasn't in love with me....wouldn't cut things off and throw himself back in the M until he felt he could be, etc....for him that meant safety that I had really changed, seeing if he could be in love adn happy with me again. I sort of see him evaluating. In emails, I saw him make it clear with OW that they were just friends...I think he saw that things were inappropriate, after our blow-out.
This is a PAINFUL phase, like having a NON-M...I guess you need to accept that. Just leave him alone. Be yourself, like you, focus on you. Be happy in their presence, as you would a friend. If you push, they will only continue and lie more.
I figure H knows what he needs to do to engage in our M again, he said so...he said he knew he had to cut off all friends, and put all of that in our M, and he wasn't ready for that. Nice to hear the truth. So, I figure, until then, I will just be in loving detached phase....and if it gets too toxic and seems to not get better...then at least I can go out comfortably and with peace of mind.
