I was lurking in the piecing posts and found this on "always 14" thread.
Quote: I felt so sad for us. I thought of what each of us were when we got married, and all our hopes of what we wanted to be as H and W. I wanted to be a good W. I wanted to be happy, supportive, caring, gentle, giving, respectful--I was all of these things. Then I changed to just the opposite...I became disrespectful, critical, mean, controlling, demanding, insecure, panicked, always dissatisfied--feeling H become disengaged with the misery of his job. H wanted to take care of me (in nurturing ways), to give me his all, to still have the sparkle in his eye, to grow with me, he held honesty so high in the sanctity of our M, he never lied--he was a great H. Then he became withdrawn, resentful, put up walls, miserable, hurt, lied for fear of my reaction and as an escape from me, has a whole set of friends unknown to me to escape from me, hated coming home, always fearful of me, always trying to walk the minefield that is his M.
Somewhere along the way, we lost our way. I saw 2 people who wanted more but got chained by fear, insecurity, mistrust, resentment, loathing, a need for each other that we took elsewhere or shut off.
Wow! This made me take a good look at ME. Last year, mostly from the stress of watching my infant nephew everday from 8 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. (for free), watching 9 & 11 year old sisters after school, watching a 3 & 4 year old brother and sister twice a week for 9 hours a day plus my own three kids (4,9 & 10) I became the person I never wanted to be. I was miserable. I was unhappy and all I did was complain. Every time I spoke with my H, I complained. He tried, he really did. After working all day he would come home and take the baby for a walk or help out with the other kids. Did I ever say thank you? Not once that I can remember. Then he started working later and later, then he started going out afterwork, then the A began. He never came out and said he was unhappy with me watching the kids although he did feel that I was being taken advantage of watching my nephew for free. He has always maintained that he thinks I am a good person and a great mother, he just fell out of love with me. Now who can blame him? Not me. I'm sure he never intended to have an A, it just probably started out as venting to a friend. Am I hurt about it, you bet I am. But I cannot control him or his actions. He has chosen to stay in the marriage for our kids and for financial reasons. Now is my chance to become the person I once was, the person he fell in love with. I want to be happy, supportive, caring, gentle, giving, respectful.
I will dig out my journal which I have neglected of late and once again write down my goals for ME and hopefully these changes will stick and my H will once again find me attractive. Just my thoughts for the day.
