Journaling again; We always seem to have pretty nice Sundays (the only day H doesn't work) then once he goes back to work (where OW is) he starts to become distant towards me again.
Last night he came home a little later than usually, he said he went for a couple of beers and was talking to some old guys that hang out there. I didn't ask any questions. I did ask if he voted and he said, "Why, it's not going to change my life" - don't know what that meant. Maybe he was feeling sorry for himself, who knows. I did not ask nor to I want to get sucked in to this $%it.
I just want to be happy with my life and stop obsessing about the situation that I am in. I have two friends that are going thru some health scares (possible cancer) right now and that put things into perspective for me. I also know all of this internal pressure that I am putting on myself cannot be good for my health either. I have to put ME first as opposed to last like the old me used to do. I want to LIVE my life and enjoy it as well as enjoy my children. Every day I read pages 214 - 217 of DR as well as the last resort technique.
In particular it says to be responsive to your partner's new interest (which he seems to have at times), but not too responsive. If you go overboard, your partner will get cold feet.
I will continue to DB like crazy and continue to improve myself.
MB - You asked me to stop by but it seems like you have things under control. Don't waste too much energy worrying about the phone card - it is rare that they can just make a clean break - it's even embarassing to admit to the OP that they're involved with you again after all the stupid things they've said to the OP. My H came back full force, ILY's, the whole shebang - and STILL took almost 2 months to send the OW a final "don't call me" letter. (You may want to look at my thread in Piecing - the first post is a synopsis of my story and advice).
Your baby steps look good. What's happening in the bedroom - any chance of asking your H to "help you release some tension"?? It's amazing how "helpful" they can be when it is put in those terms instead of an emotional commitment.
Unfortunately nothing is happening in the bedroom, we sleep in separate rooms. I'm hoping that you are right in the fact that things are ending with them but it is just taking a little time. Yesterday when he came home from work I was sitting on the loveseat reading, he kept sitting next to me (mind you there is also a couch and a chair to sit on), he didn't say much and neither did I. I will NOT bring up our R again, I'm leaving it up to him to make the first move. In the beginning and at a few backsliding moments I tried reasoning, begging, pleading - I will not do that again. If he wants me, he knows where I am and how I feel.
Gotta take the kids to school, will definitely be back later today. Thanks for the advice.
I am in kind of similar situ to you... My H and I live apart now, been seperated for 2 years... He was the one that wanted out.... I DBted for 1st year then found out he had been seeing OW so gave up and went and met someone else... Anway year on my BF and I have split and my H and I get on well now, ( most of the time), we have started kind of seeing each other... BUT he still sees OW.... I hate this but like you have resolved to the fact that the more you try and deter them the more they keep seeing OW. I think its all about control... they need to feel that they control their own lives and can do what they want when they want without our approval... I still get jealous now and i hate it when I know he is spending time with her....specially if he has just spent night with me.... But i also think that sometimes he does things to see how far I will go and to see what my reaction is.. Last weekend my H told me that things had fizzled out with OW and he was not bothered about her and just wanted to be friends... This weekend he is going to spend all day saturday with her and sat night... why? coz she has told him she wants to see more of him... what ???? since when does my H do what a women tells him to do?? that was one of the things he wanted to get away from in our marriage.. Sometimes is does not make sense. I asked him why he was spending alot of time with her this weekend when he had said he was not bothered about her.... he couldnt give me straight answer... he said ' i am not bothered about her', but then launched into a 'you cant tell me what I can or cant do' convo so i left it...
Personally, I dont think he is that bothered about her, and I do think it will fizzle out BUT I also think it has to be completely 100% my H's decision. If for one minute he thinks I want him to end things with her - he wont!!! Sounds very childish I know, but this is how my H works... If I want something I have to ask and act the complete opposite - then I get what I want!!!
My advice to you is as hard as it may seem - act as if you are completely fine with OW.... tear your hair out in private. But dont mention OW or R talk... keep of subject and if your H brings up talk of R or OW, listen but just keep calm and try and not comment...
If he beleives it is not bothering you or you are not interested I bet things will fizzle off with her....
Quote: I think its all about control... they need to feel that they control their own lives and can do what they want when they want without our approval...
EXACTLY what my W said. I just re-read my first post on these boards and I have her quoted as saying just that very thing. In many ways, she has echoed that sentiment in various ways, but it IS a standard feeling, maybe THE standard feeling the WAS has. The trouble is, of course, that in a marriage, one is usually not just "free" to do as they please without considering the spouses feelings. Ah, but that's why they leave, isn't it...or not...
Quote:
My advice to you is as hard as it may seem - act as if you are completely fine with OW.... tear your hair out in private. But dont mention OW or R talk... keep of subject and if your H brings up talk of R or OW, listen but just keep calm and try and not comment...
This is a varitation of what I have done. I just ignore the OM stuff as much as possible. I KNOW she KNOWS I hate it, but I don't drill that idea into her head all the time. It seems to have worked somewhat.
I was lurking in the piecing posts and found this on "always 14" thread.
Quote: I felt so sad for us. I thought of what each of us were when we got married, and all our hopes of what we wanted to be as H and W. I wanted to be a good W. I wanted to be happy, supportive, caring, gentle, giving, respectful--I was all of these things. Then I changed to just the opposite...I became disrespectful, critical, mean, controlling, demanding, insecure, panicked, always dissatisfied--feeling H become disengaged with the misery of his job. H wanted to take care of me (in nurturing ways), to give me his all, to still have the sparkle in his eye, to grow with me, he held honesty so high in the sanctity of our M, he never lied--he was a great H. Then he became withdrawn, resentful, put up walls, miserable, hurt, lied for fear of my reaction and as an escape from me, has a whole set of friends unknown to me to escape from me, hated coming home, always fearful of me, always trying to walk the minefield that is his M.
Somewhere along the way, we lost our way. I saw 2 people who wanted more but got chained by fear, insecurity, mistrust, resentment, loathing, a need for each other that we took elsewhere or shut off.
Wow! This made me take a good look at ME. Last year, mostly from the stress of watching my infant nephew everday from 8 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. (for free), watching 9 & 11 year old sisters after school, watching a 3 & 4 year old brother and sister twice a week for 9 hours a day plus my own three kids (4,9 & 10) I became the person I never wanted to be. I was miserable. I was unhappy and all I did was complain. Every time I spoke with my H, I complained. He tried, he really did. After working all day he would come home and take the baby for a walk or help out with the other kids. Did I ever say thank you? Not once that I can remember. Then he started working later and later, then he started going out afterwork, then the A began. He never came out and said he was unhappy with me watching the kids although he did feel that I was being taken advantage of watching my nephew for free. He has always maintained that he thinks I am a good person and a great mother, he just fell out of love with me. Now who can blame him? Not me. I'm sure he never intended to have an A, it just probably started out as venting to a friend. Am I hurt about it, you bet I am. But I cannot control him or his actions. He has chosen to stay in the marriage for our kids and for financial reasons. Now is my chance to become the person I once was, the person he fell in love with. I want to be happy, supportive, caring, gentle, giving, respectful.
I will dig out my journal which I have neglected of late and once again write down my goals for ME and hopefully these changes will stick and my H will once again find me attractive. Just my thoughts for the day.
Quote: I will dig out my journal which I have neglected of late and once again write down my goals for ME and hopefully these changes will stick and my H will once again find me attractive.
...and so will you! Remember it's important that YOU feel attractive and deserving of love.
I identify TOTALLY with that post. I did all those things too, and really, so did my W. We both turned into these miserable people who did nothing much for the other in terms of REALLY meeting each other's needs. It's a terrible thing, it really is. Thankfully, we have a chance to right at least OUR wrongs.
Mamabear, taking ownership of your actions without blaming yourself is awesome. You are in a good place with respect to yourself right now. Take care of yourself, and let God take care of your H.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks guys, I really do feel like I am moving to a better place. Everything in my life before the A revolved around me. I really was selfish I just didn't know it until now. I wanted everyone to make me happy. If I felt bad I wanted everyone to know it and feel sorry for me. Only recently I have realized that I can't expect others to make me happy. Only I can find my true happiness. Watching my nephew was something that I didn't want to be doing, if I wanted a baby I could of had one myself plus it was taking me away from time with my own children. So...I stopped watching him. Sure, my brother and his wife were upset and so were my parents who thought it was something I "should" do for my family. But it was something that I had to do for me and my happiness. I cannot just sit back and let life happen to me. If I want something I have to go out and get it. More to come....
Awww, how sweet of you to quote me! Yeah, those were some moments/days of real clarity. I like to refer to that as the day that I SNAPPED. Though I realized all of those things before...I just felt so sorry for us that day...I felt like I was floating above the scene of us...like dying. I felt, then and there, that I had to undo the person I became...to break those chains. I do that each day...it's not always easy, but, you have to stay centered to the woman you once were and are growing to become.
You know, I get into real funks where I feel SO guilty about everything. I can't remember ONE good thing I did...H said the same. The fact is, we did. We weren't our best....but, there were lots of moments where I gave him all, and he did the same. I guess I take solace in the fact that we are now able to recognize our transgressions, feel sorry for them, repent and CHANGE. We are humans, and these are moments in life that jolt us to become better. Remember, there are many who walk away from the hard work of change, do it just to reap the benefit of saving a M, or don't see their errors at all.
Focus on GRACE. Sometimes, it all hits me like a wave and my stomach is in knots that I want to puke. It's like I go through my day feeling that this is a phase, H will lift out of the fog as I lifted out of mine. Now, the question is, can we forgive each other for what we did in teh fog? I think I can. I mostly already have.
I guess I'm in the same situation. I don't think H had sex, but there was kissing, etc. It's all the same. He was crazy about her--but I think it wasn't HER, but what she gave (affection, appreciation, care, understanding). She's not his type at all...since our blow out..he never promised to stop calling her, though he lies about things. At least he didn't say that he stopped. I make it clear to him that I know he hangs with others. Since then, I've come across the fact that he has several FF coworkers at work...all friends, but he doesn't tell me. Control is right...he's in that phase...sick of being controlled and demanded by me...he's getting friendship from people who like him, appreciate him, don't look at him like a failure or disappointment. It was a lot better than what I gave.
We can't expect cold turkey cut-off's either. My H said he wasn't in love with me....wouldn't cut things off and throw himself back in the M until he felt he could be, etc....for him that meant safety that I had really changed, seeing if he could be in love adn happy with me again. I sort of see him evaluating. In emails, I saw him make it clear with OW that they were just friends...I think he saw that things were inappropriate, after our blow-out.
This is a PAINFUL phase, like having a NON-M...I guess you need to accept that. Just leave him alone. Be yourself, like you, focus on you. Be happy in their presence, as you would a friend. If you push, they will only continue and lie more.
I figure H knows what he needs to do to engage in our M again, he said so...he said he knew he had to cut off all friends, and put all of that in our M, and he wasn't ready for that. Nice to hear the truth. So, I figure, until then, I will just be in loving detached phase....and if it gets too toxic and seems to not get better...then at least I can go out comfortably and with peace of mind.
