Actually, I agreed with you more than my post suggested, and PROJECTED a lot of my sitch on Mama, which in hindsight was not helpful. As for me suggesting you're playing games, again, that was probably the wrong way to characterize it. I guess, once again, I was projecting my somewhat unique situation on Mama and you. Sorry. Like you said, we both care and are just trying to help. I think you are making some really valid points.
Update: Yesterday we got digital cable. We are huge Sopranos fans. When H got home he was excited to watch last weeks episode. He was putting on his shoes to go to the store when son asked him where he was going. He told him and said to me "I'm going to get us some beer and lottery tickets HONEY" Again, with the honey - it was probably another slip of the tongue but I'll take what little morsals I can get.
RB, your absolutely correct about going down cheeseless tunnels. I seriously want to save my marriage and I read DR daily but I seem to have a problem actually applying the techniques. I was seeing a counselor for a while and she was impressed with my marriage saving knowledge that I learned from Michelle. She tried a cognitive thinking excercise with me that I guess I didn't stick to. Everytime I was tempted to talk about our relationship with my H I was to say to myself "If I try to fix it, I will make it worse" I am going to start drilling that in my brain again. Whenever I try to talk to my H about our situation, my emotions take over; I get angry and usually end up crying. Definitley a cheeseless tunnel. My 180 is not to bring it up again.
Are there no consequences for him? There are, his guilty conscience. Everytime he comes home and looks in his beautiful childrens faces should be enough right there.
I am hoping that the A loses it appeal and fizzles out on its own. By me pressuring him and acting all desparate I am actually prolonging the A.
As for the Cheaters Diet, wouldn't it be something if we could bottle it and make a profit. I was never huge but chunky, 5 ft and 135 lbs. I now weigh between 108 - 110 and can wear size 2 and 4. When friends see me and ask how I did it, I too feel silly but I just say I'm watching my carbs.
Ok, had a really nice weekend. I "acted as if", I really, really wanted to ask about the purchase at the Hallmark store but I held my tongue. I bought the book, "Surviving Infedelity" yesterday. I have read it cover to cover. There is not really a section geared towards what to do if your spouse doesn't give up the affair. He says it is over but I have evidence that contradicts that. I am going to try to have a positive mental attitude and not dwell on negative thoughts or feelings. I guess I have chosen to put up with the situation that I am in.
We looked at model homes today (something we used to enjoy in the long ago past) we talked of buying one of these homes but then decided it would cost too much,then went to Home Depot to get some paint and such to make our home nicer. We also discussed getting new carpet. I see this as a baby step. If he didn't want to stay in this relationship, he really wouldn't care what our home looked like, right?
Not much time, but I'll offer this. My W and the OM may not be over yet either, but you know what? Sometime after the bombs dropped on me, I found myself thinking, and even asking my W why, if this was not about OM, and all about us, then why was she ONLY working on the relationship with the OM. It didn't seem fair that she gives HIM the chance and not me. Well, I am finally getting the chance and I remember thinking that if that ever happened, I would just take it for what it's worth, live the days as the come and see what happens. Remember, these people walked away, and for them to be back in ANY way is a positive. Of course, it's eventually going to be on THEM to win our trust back, but in the meantime, we can see what is possible with what they give us and when it's time that we need to demand more, then maybe they will be ready to give it. So, maybe, if you can handle it, don't fret about these things you see. You DON'T know what they are or what they mean. You suspect, but you don't KNOW. Rest your mind, protect your heart best you can, and just live with an open mind. You never know, the A may not be over today, but tomorrow is another day. Give things a chance, a real chance until you just can't anymore, then go one more day before you give in.
Again, thank you so much for your wisdom. You are absoulutely right. I do not KNOW anything. I will no longer assume and think the worst. I will make the best of the time we have together and hopefully in the near future he will decide to win back my trust. My H also doesn't communicate very well so if he has decided to work on our relationship it is likely that he wouldn't even tell me, I would see changes through his actions. I will continue to think positive and reread "Surviving Infidelity" to see if I can pick up anything else.
My H also doesn't communicate very well so if he has decided to work on our relationship it is likely that he wouldn't even tell me, I would see changes through his actions.
You know this is how I thought my W would be too, and guess what, she is. If you know this about your H, then you need to either get him to communicate or relax your paranoia (well deserved btw) and learn to really SEE what he does. I don't mean analyze it to death, I just mean pay attention to his actions. You may find, that like my W, your H is now doing a lot of the things you would have given anything to have him do early on in all this. I think what happens to us is that over time we get greedy (again, justifiably due to what we now know about being in control of our own happiness) and despite all we know about NOT holding expectations, we expect it all to come rushing back once the first trickles start to flow. I know I am about to post to my thread and NOT take my own advice (lol) but if you can, then at least one of us is benefiting from it. I am not saying to let your guard down, just to do more than peek from behind it. Remember there is a lot written about getting what you give so try to give a LITTLE trust in the form of not obsessing over some of the things you see and see what you get in return. Not knowing is scary. I know it is, but fear can do no good right now.
Quote: I do not KNOW anything. I will no longer assume and think the worst. I will make the best of the time we have together.
Mama, you and GH are absolutely right about this. Even though my W is still living with the OM, I'm still treating all the time I get with her as a postive to be treasured. It's made a world of difference. It's turned me into her OM in a way, as she now looks forward to spending time with me and not telling OM about it.
Quote: I really, really wanted to ask about the purchase at the Hallmark store but I held my tongue.
Isn't there a chance that he actually bought a card for you and just hasn't given it to you yet? If he did, wouldn't you feel bad if you asked and spoiled the surprise? I would put that purchase out of my mind. It could even have been that someone at his work was sick or something and he bought them a get well card.
Quote: we expect it all to come rushing back once the first trickles start to flow.
GH, I've had the same problem. I think that patience is the single biggest thing that you need to DB successfully, and it's the hardest part.
Quote: I am not saying to let your guard down
I think this is also very important. Choosing to have a PMA and not obsess does not mean being naive.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Journaling: Our kids had a 1/2 day of school today. Normally my H picks them up along with the girls I watch. I called to remind him that he did not have to pick them up today. Part of me anticipated him going out after work....but guess what? He came home!! We then put up the molding/trim that we bought yesterday along with some weatherstripping we bought for the door leading from our family room to the garage. The whole project took less than an hour. We both commented on how easy and good it looked and how little time it took. I am so happy that my H is taking an interest in our home again, it seems like he is returning to my old H. Which by the way I am perfectly happy with. I left him a note thanking him for what he did and complementing him with how well he was able to use the miter saw, something I could have never figured out on the first try. I don't know what is going on with him and OW and frankly I don't care, we seem to be getting along much, much better. Till tommorrow.....
Quote: I don't know what is going on with him and OW and frankly I don't care, we seem to be getting along much, much better.
Perfect attitude. Just be careful. If you're like me, you're able to "detach" like this merely because things kinda went your way for once and even though you KNOW the OW thing could still be looming, you can kinda ignore it for a day or two when it's not in your face. It sets you up for a fall if it comes back in your face. Just be a little even keeled about the good as well as the bad right now.
That said, I am VERY happy for that day you had. It sounds like it was really good, and I don't think you should EVER deny the positives just because there may still be negatives. Sure, it's a risk to put yourself out there, but risks are a part of life.
This kind of day you had is the point of DB, to get to that place where the friendship is rebuilt and a new foundation can be started. You recognize this and I am glad to see you getting to that point!
Sure, it's a risk to put yourself out there, but risks are a part of life.
I guess I am learning to detach from the situation a little. I'm pretty sure OW is still in the picture but I feel that my positive attitude is creating a positive attitude in return from my H. Again, I have learned not to have any expectations and to take one day at a time. I feel that if we can rebuild our friendship and if my H once again feels comfortable around me that things can only go uphill from here.
