I know it must be tough with your financial situation etc. I am in the same boat and my W has already said in no uncertain terms that she would not leave. Of course, I am not leaving either so here we are. Now, I have not asked my W to leave so my sitch is a little different. One thing I can add for you right now is that I think it is important to establish how you want to be and try to be consistent. I know that's really hard, especially in light that you are growing by the day, and when you learn new things, or find new information about you, your H, or sitch, it makes you want to change your approach. Also, the instant gratification/miracle thing is working against a consistent way of being. We all figure that because xxxx didn't work YET, it will never work and we start looking for the next thing to do. This is appropriate for the little changes we all make as part of the DR idea of try something new and then monitor the results. It is somewhat inappropriate for the overall way we approach our sitch.
As usual, the best way I can relate this to you is to use me as an example. Here is how I decided I was going to "be" through all this. I am going to first of all respect myself and at all times, try to make sure that my actions allow me to do that. It's my main compass. I am not going to talk about the R any more than necessary and I am not going to seek information that will not serve to help the situation should I know it (i.e. no snooping). I am going to improve myself every day in some way. I am going to be respectful of my W even though she may not be to me and that is just an extension of the "love thy enemy" philosophy. I am going to set goals for improving my M, but will not expect them to work until the OM is gone. I am going to tolerate the OM in the picture until such time as it either becomes impossible to do so (i.e. she just throws it in my face) or I decide that enough is enough and that decision will be based on careful consideration and NOT on emotional response. I will NOT pursue leaving or asking my W to leave (this was tough but I just feel based on what I have read and experienced, this is a more desirable way to do this for me). I am going to express the love I feel freely, without guilt or expectation, fully realizing that it is unrequited and could possibly be lost on my W. I am not doing it for her, I am doing it for me.
Those are the basic ideals I try to use as my compass and each one represents one of the major decisions we all have to make. Leave or go, love or go dark, respect or doormat, tolerate the OM or not, R talk or not, etc. Whenever I decide to do something or not (i.e. ask my W about the ring) I check that action against these rules, and also my goals that are a separate thing. In the case of the ring, talking to her would have violated the "useful information" ideal and so I didn't ask because whatever she said would not be useful to me. I don't mean to say it's as easy as I just made it sound, and honestly, before writing this, it was not so clear to me that I did this, but now that I thought about it, I am sure I do it all the time. If it were EASY though, I would not be here every day venting like you are, but it does help to have a strong sense of who YOU want to be in all this.
Lastly, I think sometimes we lose the basic idea around here that we are all here TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGES! I think we get so wrapped up in all the advice about self improvement that the basic goal of marriage saving gets lost. I am not saying the cart pulls the horse. We still need to improve ourselves FIRST, but I just think it should not be taboo to think about what effects it will have on our WAS or marriage. You just can't let the effects on the marriage be the only reason you do something or else as soon as it fails to produce expected results, then it get abandoned. So, for you, try to decide if you want to try to get him out, let him stay, etc. Then act on that decision, meaning if you are going to try to work it out with him in the house, then don't constantly think about how much easier it may be if he were out. Accept your decision and drop all the rest. If you are going to ask him to leave, then really pursue that end and don't stop just because HE reacts a certain way. As OT said to me, WE are responsible for our pain. It is OUR choice to stick this out and at any time we can choose not to be in pain anymore. If you think of it that way, it makes the pain easier to bear because you have ownership over it, not the other way around. So, my point is, be consistent as much as you can be, which is being true to YOU because it helps you not react to daily things and stay on track. Sure, if you re-evaluate your position, then maybe a change in course is appropriate, but it should not be done as an emotional reaction but rather due to a calculated change in position.
It looks like it's going to be another one of my long-winded philosophical days...look out board!
