Yes, I am living through a situation VERY similar to yours for about 3 months now. My W too acts like the A is over but unlike your H, she has not actually said the words. You should catch up on PArob's thread because I think his may be a closer match for yours. Mine is close enough though to compare and for me to empathize with you totally. It's hard, especially when they are so clearly doing it for the kids. My W has not come out and said that's why she sticks around, but it seems clear from some of the things she HAS said, that they play a huge role in her being confused and unsure of what she wants.
Let's put it this way, if we had no kids, she would have been gone long ago...well, if we had no kids, maybe...well, you know where I am going with that...
Look, right now, I am at a low point. I have not posted much to that effect, but I am. My lows are MUCH shallower now than a month, or even weeks ago so I just cope. That's the thing, we learn to cope with things that most people can't even fathom. Is that the right thing to do? I truly don't know sometimes. Michelle says it is. Well, she says we need to grow as people to the point where we are not ruled by the hurtful actions of our spouses. I suppose that's the goal that keeps me going. I figure so long as I am still able to grow and improve despite all the negative crap in my marriage right now, then I can continue living with my W and waiting. When the time comes when we stop growing, or have just had enough, then maybe it's time to try something else. I am not there yet and neither are you I suspect. Also, the idea of this being a process of building strength and NOT displaying weakness is important to me. I guess you could say I think of our sitch's as weights to be used to grow our self-esteem and general life skills muscles. Each time we deal with one of the mini-crisis or the overall issues in our M's, we flex and grow some part of us. I think when we stop flexing and just sit back, waiting for the next thing to happen, in effect, becoming relationship couch potatos, we atrophy, regress and ultimatly fail in attaining our personal goal of growth.
Sorry to go all philosophical on you. I wish I had the gift of dircet advice that OT and NYS have. For me, the best I can do is share my feelings and hope they help you somehow.
I think we will both find the way to our own happiness sometime in the near future. It's only when we truly make that a priority that it will happen. For me, the kids also play a role in that, as I'm sure they do for you too. My kids are NOT the reason I want to make my marriage work, but they are a source of strength and resolve I use to continue the fight. If ever I realized that they were the only reason to fight, I would stop because a life without love between their mother and I would not be a positive one for them I think.
This is all so hard, and please, don't fault yourself for not being able to endure it in your own situation, let alone relive it via all of ours. Like I just told NYS in an email, it DOES get trying to read all the misery and gratitude should be paid to those that stick around AFTER their stich is in a different phase to help us get through it. So, post, read, lurk, whatever. I just hope I/we can be of help to you as you have been to me in the past.
