Just wanted to throw in you're being a real mensch for standing up to the bright interrogation light that this forum often projects. Way to hang.
Staggering back to our corner after a few head and body shots is why I'm here too. No one has to be friends. I don't pull punches in the ring and I expect the same from others. Blunt candor from virtual people in cyberspace. I find people in RL try and sugar coat things a little too much IMO.
And I support your assertion that you aren't backing down. Yes, you have set a boundary; an intermediate boundary, but a boundary all the same. This thing has been fermenting for years so it's understandably tough to work up to the hard boundary level where you really need to be.
You gave her 2 choices. Follow the rules or voluntarily leave. No, you're not kicking her out.
This is stage One. The drawn line. And a boundary.
Stage 2 breakdown?
A. She follows the rules and maintains household sanity and respect. She respected your boundary. Good.
B. She continues her behavior. She chose the second path. By agreeing to your terms she is essentially saying, "okay, since I did not follow the rules then I agree to voluntarily leave." She has made her decision. And I would not long after that look at her and say:
"Well? Are you leaving? I don't see you packing."
If she argues or tries to twist your words?
"I did not want to throw you out on your a$$ so I gave you 2 choices. Stay and act like a normal human being or don't act like a normal human being and leave of your own volition. You agreed to these terms. You chose not to act like a normal human being so leaving is your decision and I expect you to start packing.
So you can either voluntarily leave as you agreed you would or I can make you leave. These are your 2 choices now. Either way you're leaving."
Sounds harsh but it's stage 2 of your Stage 1 intermediate boundary (which was, again, follow the rules or 'voluntarily' leave).
Stage 2 is the rock solid boundary and the one that cannot be undermined or retracted. It's all that's left between her respecting your strength and power or disrespecting you as just another door mat she can push around with his flimsy paper boundaries. (not a slam on you VB; your stronger than that lately; let's say your boundaries are now wooden at this point )
...but that big black iron wall is on the horizon and you are about to make her well aware of its existence if she chooses to not follow stage 1 or, now, stage 2.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
)