This is said with much love......you are still trying to use reason where reason doesn't exist...STOP IT ALREADY! This statement shows to me that you are still trying to reason with her....("my thinking was that I needed to make it clear to her that she had a choice – change her behavior or get out.") You can make it as clear as you feel reasonably possible Bube.....she will continue to hear the same thing. I guess what I'm saying is this.....you've got to remember, she will not receive "reason" the same way you would......EVER. Perhaps you were just recounting what you were thinking, and having to re-hash it. If so, just beware of this type of thinking and remember....reason won't work.
I don't have issue with anything else in your post you wrote. I felt Cobra was misinterperting some things as well....but then hey, I do that too. I only bring up my statement above because this is something I do see you continuing to do. As someone with NPD, I agree....she thinks YOU and the girls are in the wrong, no matter what you say. Although, I do think....if her mother will nurture her NPD, she could be likely to run to her. I think she'll make a show of it a few times though before she does that....to reinforce in her mind that she's being bullied and thrown out.
I do see that you are gettin to that stage though where you are going to be able to take true action where she's concerned. It's a stage I find that most people have to get to in their own time, especially where abuse, fear, doubt and conditioning play a large role.....just as it has with you. Bube, I see you as an abused husband....I truly do....I say that with love. There are many husbands out there who put up with emotional abuse from their W's for years and never do anything about it. It's just as damaging as the abuse you hear discussed where women are concerned but with men...it's not discussed much. My 1st H was severely mentally abusive...so I know first hand it's a tough hurdle to overcome to get to that place where you are finally prepared to take action, rather than fearing the possible consequences. It's just another form of "my give a damn's busted". I see you are right on the threshhold of taking the action to make things better....you are finally to the point of......"how can it make it worse?" I found that's where I had to get before I could "DO" what I needed to in order to finally change my situation.
You're reaching the place where your blinders are coming off towards her behavior. Things are becoming clearer to you now.....along with that comes the resolve to finally do what you need to do.
You are getting there Bube, just stop trying to reason with her. I still do think it's a good idea to inform her of her diagnosed "condition"....so that she's aware you do view her differently now....but don't expect it to go over well
