Bube's back

[Stigmata]

Enjoy your SQL server class, bube. Sheesh. Lot of nerds populating these boards.

Wanted to add to Cobra's comments. Why are you placing a strange percentage on the chances she will leave? You don't know the outcome. Don't set yourself up with guessing.

if you want to think of it in these terms then just say it's 50-50 and you don't care either way as long as it's a step in a positive direction for the family.

We still haven’t talked about it, but I have no doubt that in W’s mind something completely different happened. In her mind, she did something maybe a tiny bit over the line.

- Why are you thinking about what's going on in her mind? Won't help. Not even with an pocket MRI. Her thoughts are her issues. It's how she externalizes her thoughts that directly affect you and your children. And negative externalizations must have consequences for her.

And, yes, as cobra mentioned, the self-accountability part of her brain is telling her the magnitude of her actions but her defensive "I'm always right" narcissistic drive throws up illogical defenses to protect herself from an "negative" or "wrong" realization of herself. Can't smudge her rose-colored glasses. Won't let her. So, yes, your Bzzzt, comment is right. She is totally justified in her head consciously; just not subconsciously.

How can you tell? Her abuse/rage/anger. Inner conflict when this happens. Angry people are angry because they hate themselves for some reason or other; anger/hatred over others/others' behavior is just a symptom/effect. If 5 people are telling her she's crazy or wrong then her brain is not going to just overlook this and stay the course. The brain is going to be bothered by it and afraid maybe they are right.

Reality is that we were trying to make it clear that she was not being kicked out, but simply given the choice of changing her behavior or leaving. And she was choosing to leave.

- The reality is actually you were again giving all of your family's power over to her again. You do not have power, though it may seem like it (ie, "giving her a choice). It's like a judge saying he has power over a criminal by saying "You have two choices. You can either go to jail. Or you can go free."

Your W has the choice thus has the power again. If it reaches this point again? No choices from family. Just this:

"Get out."
[edited out the "in line" comment from you. Her POV. Misunderstood from cobra's post.]
Her mother just thrives on this kind of thing. She’s a professional doormat and just loves to be needed. She also seems to take great delight in bashing the spouses and ex-spouses of her kids.

The real issue that’s kept me from pressing things while I have the advantage is the NPD diagnosis. I keep waffling on whether to tell her about it or not.

- Why do you care what your MIL thinks? This is your reality. Not your MIL's/in-laws. They have their reality. What other people think of us is none of our business. It is not for us to guess, explore, or project as to our own self-worth.

If you cut a guy off in traffic by accident and he thinks you are probably a criminal, wife beater, and self-absorbed ba$tard from your actions...who cares? F him and what he thinks. It was an accident. You are a good person.

And remember this too. About what the in-laws and all of the rest of people in Indiana think about you. See what you're doing again? You're even giving your power away to people who don't really matter in your life. F them. Some people will like us, some will hate us no matter what we do. Just a fact of life and we accept it.

And if you still have problems thinking about being bad-mouthed. Your own children are on your side during this. They agree with you. What does that say about a person/people who would, through your kids' association to you, also bad-mouth children and blame them for your W's behavior? Are your children wrong? I think not.

personally I wouldn't want to be around OP like that. let them all live together in their cess pit in Indiana and suck off each other's negativity. Keep your stench fumes away from my world please.

Finally, only guessing here. Why your C is not telling you to divulge NPD. If your W has these defensived walls built up so high as to minimize her damage to the family during every negative interaction then the same will likely happen with being told of her NPD.

From what I've read about this trait, they will think you're crazy and grasping at straws because you're a flawed person and clouded with your own insecurity. As in perhaps no one can tell them what they are/are not; only they can do this.

Only they can organically come/not come to this realization/understanding, without input from the rest of the "obviously wrong/stupid" world.

You've been on a long, hard dusty road, friend. If you want status quo then continue to do damage control and placation of your W's bad behaviors...more containment than prevention essentially.

But if you want it to either stop or start to improve then you need to confront her with her bahavior, back up your observations with your own childrens observations, set an iron-walled "no wiggle room" boundary/condition, and be prepared for the consequences.

It might end your R but IMO she will eventually have great respect for you; for standing up for yourself and your children. IMO she does not respect you currently. And from what I've learned, Fs are not attracted to Ms they don't respect or Ms who let Fs walk all over them.

Sure they "like" them like a harmless girlfriend. But they don't "love/lust" for them and, as the song goes, R-E-S-P-E-C-T them as a man of strength.

And you have a great assurance otherwise as well. Your own children are on your side in all of this. That's huge. Children usually don't have selfish agendas. They just want to grow up in a fun and happy home. Teens have enough to deal with at school, with friends, etc. and trying to deal with their own maturation, hormones, and understanding of human interaction. Home should be a refuge for them. To have a room to retreat into. To daydream about boys/girls, to listen to music...and to rest up to prepare for more interactions on the outside world the next day.

Allowing them to also have to deal with chaos and abuse at home is irreparably stunting/damaging the one shot they have at growing up into a fully realized man/woman without all of the later FOO issues.

Hang in there, Bube. Get your power back. Be da man and the head of your household and refuse to tolerate anything that will turn your home into an torture chamber.

-Stigmata-