There’s something all of you are leaving out of the NPD equation: narcissists demand absolute, unquestioning loyalty. While she did back down from leaving, please remember that I told her repeatedly that I did not want her to leave. The girls told her the same thing.
I don’t understand what you are saying here. You acknowledge the source of her power. Then you sabotage exactly what you need to do to cut off that power. WTH?
We still haven’t talked about it, but I have no doubt that in W’s mind something completely different happened. In her mind, she did something maybe a tiny bit over the line.
No, in her mind she knows exactly how big a thing she did. She knows it was not tiny. She just denies the truth.
I way over-reacted and told her to get out.
Why do you think this is an over-reaction? Do you think you and your daughters are deserving of her treatment, but this one time was a little too much? If she can just work on the intensity of her abuse to a level you can tolerate the rest of your life… Again, WTH?
Reality is that we were trying to make it clear that she was not being kicked out, but simply given the choice of changing her behavior or leaving. And she was choosing to leave.
No, the reality is you were doing this to avoid your fears. To divert the argument onto her is your denial. You MUST be truthful in all matters to cut off her power source. You are still doing the dance with this statement.
Her willingness to leave brought us all back into line.
Again, another example of how you let others control your life. Be truthful. She did nothing to “bring you into line.” You did that to yourself. You have made some passing comments to your anger and how you react when your wife reacts. Your anger and frustration comes from this example here. You are mad at your own weakness, but you project your actions as being control by your wife. Own your stuff. Stop blaming her for your actions. This is your weakness that creates a void into which she can step. If it were not your wife, it would be someone else. This part is about you, not her.
Her mother just thrives on this kind of thing. She’s a professional doormat and just loves to be needed. She also seems to take great delight in bashing the spouses and ex-spouses of her kids.
The real issue that’s kept me from pressing things while I have the advantage is the NPD diagnosis. I keep waffling on whether to tell her about it or not.
Her mother does not sound like a doormat to me at all, but a professional narcissist who is the source of your mother’s problems. If this is true, there actually may be a chance for you. Children of narcissists become so intoxicated by their parent that they pick up the same toxic behavior. But while a true narcissist may have there problems rooted in genetic, biological problems, the children may only be a victim of poor modeling (unless they have the same genetic, biological issues).
Let her go home to her mother. Chances are there will be nothing but fights there. What you need to do is change your tactics. Instead of confronting your wife as the narcissist, let her know you think her mother is one. Your wife will see the intrusion her mother makes into her world, but won’t connect her own behavior to it. As she confronts her mother, she will cut off one of her bases of power. The contradictions in how she sees her mother and how she falsely sees herself will start to bubble to the surface. See what your counselor says about this strategy.
The C said no, and I have to assume that he had reasons for saying that.
You say you are paying this man. He works for you. If he makes a statement like this, of course you should ask him why. Anything and everything he tells you is for your benefit and education. Don’t bury your head in the sand with your counselor too. If you cannot confront him, no wonder you can confront your wife.
