My heart goes out to you as you try and figure all of this out. I see your reasoning for not wanting to turn into an chaperone or watchdog over your W. It will build resentment within you both and kill your own desperate wish to be equal happy, loving partners in life...the dreaded Parent-Child R.
And that is not what joining together within an M is all about.
There is a huge power imbalance and she is running roughshod.
Have to agree with Lil and qoe100 VB.
This sounds like a dance the 2 of you have been doing for a very long time now. Gotta stop what hasn't, isn't working. Soon. It will feel terrifying but you have to do a serious 180 to abruptly cut off her power mongering.
Have to face any fear of abandonment. Were you your own M before you met her? Could you be your own M if she were to vanish into the ether? Of course you were. Of course you could. Does your W or your family define you as an man? Of course not. Are you your own person in charge of your own life if you found yourself the sole survivor of a plane crash? Yes.
When push comes to shove and all hell breaks loose we are ultimately responsible for ourselves first and foremost. Survival. The drive to survive. And we do not need permission nor direction from ANYONE.
Like being instructed to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Self needs to protect self first.
Your self has given all of your power in this manner over to her. IMO she is not worthy of keeping it. She is being a tyrant. And what is the rule of tyrants? "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Take back your power. She is corrupt from it.
She starts on a tirade? "Stop IT! Right now! Sit Down!" Followed by walking over to her as she's sitting, staring very seriously into her eyes and saying basically,
"This is our home. A home is a place for calm, retreat, and love. I will not allow your anger and constant self-obsessive tirades to tear this family apart. Do you understand me? If you don't, I want you to get your stuff right now, pack up your bags, and take your negativity someplace else. This whole family is sick of your sht and it's going to stop right now. I've had it. This whole family has had it. It has gone on for far too long and it's coming to an end once and for all."
And the fear of religious belief systems...of a broken family...of keeping the nuclear family together at all costs because "it's the right thing to do" as shown by some "example." Gotta lose or shelve it. You don't fit the normal Biblical model anymore.
When it reaches a point where it is actually permanently damanging to everyone involved it is not healthy. It is akin to euthanising your family. It is akin to willingly engaging in a pyrrhic victory, where you eventually win (keep the family together) but the death toll to the soldiers on all sides is practically 99 percent. A hollow victory to say the least.
Gotta hit the reset button. Gotta stop the madness.
Solution? Fear dropping. Cage rattling. See how you became wise to her threats to leave? She came back. She reneged on her threat/action and came back. As a result, you don't respect her insofarr as she tries to do it again.
Do you see that is how she views you as well? She does not respect you just as you are not respecting her right now because she left and came back like nothing happened. Except in your case, you probably threatened or made not so strong boundaries and caved (ie her coming back) every single time over the years. Big long deep pattern.
She is essentially laughing at your boundaries...and that IMO is not respectful. And when OP (don't care if it's your W or the mailman) disrespect us, we each have to stand up for ourselves and demand respect be shown--to hell with the consequences.
The willingness to risk losing everything in order to stand up for ourselves is the very thing that generates the most respect in ourselves and OP who are disrespecting us in turn.
And why I'm agreeing your W won't permanently leave? The dance. She's used to you placating, smoothing over her path of destruction.
It's called narcissistic supply and you provide that for her. No one else will. And it's what sustains her and will keep her coming back for it.
So what do you want to do?
Tell her to leav (she will not leave for long IMO as she has already caved on this boundary)
Destroy your entire family through strife and misery--while keeping it together to force it into your perceived framework of "normalcy." (way beyond that)
Or take the Ds and leave. (again, she will probably pursue)
Trust me. IMO somewhere deep down inside your W she knows that not very many people, if any at all, would be willing to put up with her PITA behavior.
I know you're gaining strenght, VB. Don't lose your self-respect in the process of trying to force the square peg of your dysfunctional family into the round hole of the model of a normal nuclear family. It's endless head-against-wall beating and tunnels and tunnels of no cheese.
If you're religious, your Lord will help you to lose the worry. Turn it over to him. Don't ask. Just thank him for guiding you to make the right decisions. It's why it's the number one concept in terms of Biblical messages:
Faith.
And it goes hand in hand with faith in yourself.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
