My first impression is that you sound like you want to avoid responsibility (or possibly blame if things don’t go right). I hear you say you don’t want to be a dictator. That makes total sense to me from the standpoint of wanting a healthy partner who you can rely on. But this is all a delusion. She is not healthy. She never will be and you will never have the wife or the marriage you dream of. If your counselor’s diagnosis is correct, that’s the hard truth of it.
Knowing this, why would you ever let her have access to the finances again? She seems to be very consistent in her behavior, so knowing what is coming should be nothing new to you. Why do you let her have access? It seems to me there is another consistent pattern – your behavior. Your level of denial seems to be very high. What is it that keeps you from seeing the truth?
You mentioned that you had a good childhood, no major issues. I am beginning to wonder if that is true. It would fit your pattern of denial. Perhaps you should take a hard look at your FOO with your counselor and come to terms with what you are running from. Once you do that, I think you will be able to better accept your situation and how to best deal with it.
