I think we are actually in the same camp on much of the principals were talking about here. I actually believe a certain, controlled amount of corporal punishment has value, more for boys than girls (I wish they would bring it back in schools, just do a better job of policing its use). But the reason I object to it in your situation is that you and your W need to do a 180 in the treatment of your kids. In a healthier situation, I don’t think spanking would be an issue. At the moment, I think your D14 is acting out intentionally, knowing full well the consequences of her actions and how it will affect you. She is trying to gain a measure of control over her chaos – control over your and your W – in exactly the same manner she has been modeled. Just push the envelope until the other person backs down. If they don’t, then raise the ante. So do you see that increasing the punishment will only cause her to raise her ante?
I think she wants to behave, that she wants to be good, that she wants peace and serenity but the only way she, or any child can make their voice heard when the parents don’t listen and respect the children otherwise, is to act out.
One big problem I have is that W (and D18) have a real talent for deflecting and pointing out the faults of the accuser.
This is the right word and it is exactly what is happening. The reason is because no one is willing to accept their faults. The reason for that is due to lack of confidence and self esteem, a strong self image, and an understanding of how healthy relations should be conducted. So rather than “own up” to your faults, you turn the argument around on the other person.
For some reason I’m thinking you’ve mentioned Schnarch before. The first section of his book talks directly to this problem. He talks about reflected sense of self, differentiation, borrowed functioning, fusion, etc. What you describe is exactly what I went through with my mother (who I also think is NPD). Schnarch does a good job in analyzing this dynamic. Read up on it. Your wife cannot play this game without you (at least not to the degree she does). Also, have your read up on verbally abusive people?
