GEL, I know it’s all about her. I’ve known it since long before I heard the diagnosis. That’s precisely why I know that I could never try the kind of boundary that you suggested. What I see as inappropriate behavior is perceived completely differently through the lens of “her”. That’s why I’ve rejected everything I’ve come up with (and what you suggested as well). I like what Lil said. Specific behaviors and specific consequences, neither of which leave any room for interpretation.
One big problem I have is that W (and D18) have a real talent for deflecting and pointing out the faults of the accuser. Not the right word, but I’m stuck here. The fact is that I am guilty of just about everything that I could tell W is unacceptable behavior. What W could never understand is that it’s an issue of degree and self control. I hate to say this because I just know that somebody’s going to jump on it and misconstrue it, but I have smacked D14. But when I did (and it’s been years) it was controlled and done for a purpose other than venting my anger. I hate to use a dog in my metaphor, but even when I did hit her, spank her really, it was akin to the difference in giving your dog a whack with a rolled up newspaper and kicking it or beating it with a stick. But if I were to quote Lil directly, “If I see you or hear of you physically striking one of the girls ever again”, I have no doubt that her immediate response would be that I have hit her too. Her immediate response would be that I think I am perfect while being hyper-critical of her every action. I heard it last week, I know.
But in reality, that’s a fairly easy one too. I could simply tell her that I don’t think I’m perfect, that I shouldn’t have hit D14 either, and that I’ll abide by the same rules I set for her. Case closed. The real problem comes with setting boundaries where it’s not so black and white. How do you draw a boundary where the issue is one of timing, appropriateness, and degree? I think it’s inappropriate to call your daughter a brainless idiot when she gets out of a truck being driven(?) by an incompetent 14 year-old. Something needs to be said and there needs to be some consequence for having made such a poor decision, but “brainless idiot”, I don’t think so. Do you think that’s appropriate? Does the person sitting next to you? Does my W? Is it appropriate to say, “you were stupid” in this case? Is, “that was stupid” better? Enough better? Do you see my problem?
Cobra, there is some merit to what you say, but I still can’t say that I agree with you. You are correct in saying that in some cases W and I have the same reactions and take the same actions with the only difference being in degree. I don’t agree that there is any problem with that. To go back to the dog analogy, in some cases it is entirely correct to give your dog a whack with a rolled up newspaper. But it is never correct to beat the dog. If you’re saying that it’s never correct to spank or otherwise strike a child, all I can say is that we’ll just have to agree to disagree there. No amount of argument will change my opinion, so don’t bother.
The same applies to yelling and/or screaming. I seldom yell or scream at my children. When I do, they know it’s serious. That’s in complete contrast to W who screams all the time and is ignored. How many times have you ever heard people talking about someone else and saying something like, “She said the F-word! She never says the F-word, she must have really been mad.” Frequency, degree, and context do matter. The girls haven’t learned that yelling is something to be ignored; they’ve learned that W’s yelling is something to be ignored. That’s an important difference.
You don’t think the C has been strong or direct? What is weak or indirect about, “Tell her to pack her bags and get out”? Again, I invite you to tell me how he could have said it that would have appeared to you to be stronger or more direct.
I agree with the rest of what you said. My responses, or lack thereof have been rooted in fear. Last week that fear started to fall away. Some of it is still lingering, but it’s seriously weakened. I also agree that it’s all hinging on me. She won’t fix it, she can’t fix it, and I can’t fix her. I know that. I know that only I have the power to fix it. I’ve know that intellectually for a long time, but only in the aftermath of this latest blowup has it really begun to sink in. I now it’s going to be hard and painful. I’ve come to grips with the NPD diagnosis, but I’m still getting used to this power thing. I’ll get there.
And finally, for today anyway, I don’t think you’re ganging up on me. I think that you’re all genuinely trying to be helpful. I don’t feel attacked. I’ll admit to feeling misunderstood in places, but never attacked. Like I keep saying, thanks for your responses. Even if I don’t agree with some of the things being said, I do believe that they’re honestly felt and I do believe that they’re worth chewing on for a while before dismissing them.
