Now I’m seeing a different angle based on your last post. Those boundary examples you gave are doomed to failure in my opinion. They will not only fail with your W but anyone else too. Look at them…
“If you feel it’s appropriate to yell and scream at the girls…” “If you feel it’s appropriate to put your animals before your family…” “If you feel you cannot treat us with respect,,,”
.. .they are all subjective and open to interpretation. Of course she will say she feels like she is being appropriate or she feels she is treating you with respect. Then you’re left arguing over word definitions. Nope, you are leaving the door wide open here.
The problem with NPDs is they are clueless to how others feel. She needs to learn to read other people and stop focusing on her own feelings. You and her seem to go in circles arguing over interpretations, trying to convince each other your view of reality is correct. This is no right answer to that. The comment I made to Nicegal (?) about mirroring what each other has said, to fully understanding the meaning of what the two of you are saying and feeling would be a good starting point.
I am seeing the two of you so tightly enmeshed you are each blind to yourself. Why in the world do you think it is ok to yell and scream at your daughter for doing something wrong, no matter how serious. There is already too much of that going on. Laying on more will not help. D14 has been trained by YOU to ignore yelling. She has seen over the years that when people yell, you just ignore them and do what ever you wanted to do. There or no consequences, so just endure the noise and you can go about your business. You are not setting boundaries with your daughter any more than you re setting them with your wife.
Do you see the similarity? You follow the same process as your wife, fall into the same logic, take the same actions. The only difference is in the degree of severity. Sure, your wife will not listen to the counselor. He knows this. But I’m willing to be he knows there is only so much that you will listen to also. I did not think his emails to you were very strong or direct. Especially the first one you posted. Only by the 4th email, after you pursued him, did he get more direct. Why? Because you won’t listen either. Do you see the enmeshment? You are a junior version of your wife!
Like GEL says, you are using reason, trying to intellectualize your views to differentiate yourself from your wife. But that is only a front to convince yourself that you are right, the more healthy person, the better person. It gives you a superior position and is why you have been focusing on her problems, not yours. Don’t think she doesn’t feel this. She is more aware than most people when she is being attacked. This is a power and control struggle similar to what my wife and I were/are experiencing. It is rooted in fear.
I’m beginning to think your level of denial is every bit as strong as your wife, which would make perfect sense. What would NOT makes sense is that she is so unhealthy, so emotionally disturbed and you are “normal.” That just can’t be. You two would never have gotten together in the first place. Flat out impossible.
The “stuckness” of your marriage is hinging on you. She will not fix it. She cannot fix it. You cannot fix her. You CAN reign her in and keep her damage confined. But until you understand where you stand in all of this, I don’t see how you can do your part either. I think you are going to have to face your deepest demons, uncover your fears and vulnerabilities, find your inner strength and then confront your wife.
