Ok let me put it simply to you. Your W has NPD, you are already far too aware of that. In your arguments with her...in setting your boundaries....YOU are trying to use reason with her. You and the girls see something a certain way....she doesn't right? Well reason with someone like this will not work Bube. The best you can do IMPO is state what YOU find reasonable. Your attempt to shoot my boundaries full of holes comes from your attempt to reason your way into her mind. STOP IT.
Of course there are going to be exceptions to the rule of giving a child who does something irresponsible a verbal thrashing. BUT...treating your daughter the way she did when it came to the incident with the dog for example is something you can use as example to her for "inappropriate behavior". There is absolutely no denying in any realm of the imagination that what she did, in that instance, was waaaaaaay out of bounds.
When it comes to her putting her dogs before the rest of the family. YOU will never get her to see it your way....but it IS how you and the girls see it. As a woman with NPD EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER. So this isn't a battle to get her to understand and see it your way, this is about setting a boundary for you and your girls. All you can do is draw your boundary....if she chooses to make it all about poor neglected her (and she will) stand firm on YOUR boundaries. Ther is no reasonable reason anyone should put any hobby, job, or extra carricular activity.....BEFORE THEIR FAMILY. Once again...if she takes it that you guys won't let her have her one little thing....that shows you right there, she's not reasonable Bube. All you can do is state your boundary.
The respect issue is exactly the same thing. Would it surprise you to hear me say...I fully expected you'd say she doesn't think you guys respect her? Once again, she's NPD it's all about her....the boundary is about how she treats you....and YOU setting that boundary.
When it comes to the boundary about her behavior and leaving....if she hears it the way you say she will well....Bube. Anything coming out of your mouth that sounds like "there's the door" is going to be received that way. You could say it in the nicest possible terms and give her every single opportunity to stay and even throw in there "I want you to stay" and she'd still hear "you need to leave."
I hear what you are saying my friend, I truly do.....but you are trying to use reason, where reason really doesn't exist. You've got to try to remember, when it comes to your W....IT'S ALL ABOUT HER in her mind.
Consideration of other people really doesn't matter to someone with NPD because they are so very wrapped up in themselves.
I'm not saying any of this to tear her down, it's just a realistic view of her. No doubt she's got wonderful qualities, no doubt you've had some wonderful times with her....and no doubt you still love her. BUT you are still trying to use reason where reason doesn't exist.
You've got to stop trying to interperet how she will take something to try to accomodate her, in order to get her to understand.....so you don't accidentally say something that she will interperet even worse. Drawing a boundary for you and your girls is about YOU & YOUR GIRLS.
I'm just trying to help you see where a stumbling block for you is.
