They postponed my lunch meeting until 2:00, so I just grabbed a quick lunch.
GEL, you are correct that W doesn’t blow up at the girls when I’m around. If something they do sets her off, she vents to me, but says nothing to them. So I know that she can control her behavior toward the girls. And yes, I am left with at least two versions of every incident with no first-hand knowledge. But as you say, with W’s history, I tend to put more weight on the version I hear from the girls. In fact, that was a bone of contention last week; W complained that I never back her up and always take the girls’ side of everything. I told her that wasn’t true. I also told her that with her history and with the venom she spews my direction when I am home during one of these incidents, I consider them to be more reliable.
I have been trying to come up with some sort of boundary statement, but I’m not having any luck. I really like the ideas in what you wrote, but everybody here is well aware of my tendency to over-think. When I try to put something like that into words, I can always shoot it full of holes.
“If you feel it’s appropriate to yell and scream at the girls…” Well sometimes it is. When D14 gets into a car with one of her friends who doesn’t have a license and who obviously can’t drive and lets that girl drive her home, she needs to be yelled and screamed at. It’s stupid, irresponsible, illegal, and incredibly dangerous. I would expect W to yell at her. In that case, it’s very appropriate. So then we have to include some definition of when it’s appropriate and when it’s not. Kind of like porn, it’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it.
“If you feel it’s appropriate to put your animals before your family…” We all feel that way, but W denies it. I have put it to her in exactly those terms and she just flat denies it. I think I mentioned it at the beginning of the thread, she sees it as something that she likes and sees us demanding that she give up that small pleasure. She sees it as entirely appropriate to expect the rest of us to pitch in and help with her out-of-control obsession. She doesn’t see it as either out of control or as an obsession. She sees it as one little thing she does for herself. She sees it as the rest of the family refusing to allow her that one little thing she does for herself. In order to get any value from this, I would need to cite specific instances where she has said or done something that demonstrated that she put the animals first. And of course, she would have a reasonable explanation for each incident and would therefore discount anything I said.
“If you feel you cannot treat us with respect,,,” Again, this is something we all see, but she doesn’t. In her mind, she does treat us with respect. In her mind, we don’t respect her. Since you have some familiarity with NPD, I’m sure I don’t need to try to explain this one any further. For me to get any value from this part of the boundary, I would have to list specific behaviors. And I suspect that trying to pin down a specific behavior would end up just like the specific prohibition against yelling and screaming at the girls.
And finally, “then you need to live elsewhere.” As you have seen with my statement that if she didn’t like it, she knows where the door is, she would take anything of that nature as throwing her out. She wouldn’t hear, “if you can’t do A, B, and C, then you need to leave”; all she would hear is, “You need to leave.” No speculation there – just first-hand, recent experience.
So I am trying to come up with a measurable boundary that I can articulate clearly enough that there won’t be any wiggle room. It’s on the schedule for my next C session. We’re planning to discuss the aftermath of the big blowup and the plan of action now that W didn’t leave.
And let me reiterate, I am looking after D14. The C tells me that the biggest thing she needs right now is to see some stability and protection from me. He said that in her current state, C would be of much less value than it would once this stability and protection are established. He’s pushing me hard to get that control established. I’ve made some steps in that direction and I intend to make more. I’m just kind of floundering right now because I really expected W to leave the past weekend. I’m like a chess player who had his next ten moves planned out, and then his opponent did something completely unexpected and blew the whole strategy. I’m having to reevaluate and devise a new strategy.
