OK, OK, OK, you win. GEL, MrsNOP, HP, you’re right. I’m sure that the verbal abuse has left its mark on them. I also agree that in some ways, the verbal abuse is worse than anything physical. When somebody gives you a good whack, it hurts for a little while, then it’s gone. Words and the feelings they engender can stick around forever. I do see that. MrsNOP, there is special power in your words. While my home life with my FOO was basically pretty good, I can see where I still bear the scars from my parents’ mistakes. I see the truth in what you say.
I’m probably just making excuses here, but there are several things that come to mind when I think about getting C help for the girls. For one thing, they don’t want it. I have talked to the older two and they aren’t interested. I can’t know what’s really going on in their heads, but they claim that they don’t need it. I’m paraphrasing here, but the gist of what they say seems to come down to, “Mom needs help – not me.” They seem to have a good grasp on the fact that their mother has a personality disorder and they simply discount anything she says during one of her rages. I don’t know if it’s damaging them in any way, but they tell me that they just consider the source and ignore her.
Another thing that enters the picture is their age. As I said, D20 and D18 seem to have a good handle on things. They may very well need help in dealing with the baggage W and I have saddled them with, but neither seems inclined to seek that help – even when it’s offered up on a silver platter. Since I don’t see that any further damage to their psyches is in the offing, I’m not going to try to force them. In any case, they’ll both be gone from home within the next six months.
D14 is another issue. As I’ve mentioned in the past, she has a lot of problems and a lot of issues that need to be addressed. All I can really say about her is that she will get counseling, whether she wants to or not. I’m just trusting my C when he says that right now is not the time. I’ve disagreed with him many times in the past, but in every single case where I’ve listened to him, he’s been right. But the time is coming, and she will get some help with this and several other issues.
I do stand up for the girls and I do intervene when I’m there. I think the fact that it so rarely happens when I’m around bears testimony to that. I do talk to W about her behavior when she does something like that and I’m not there. I haven’t drawn any real boundaries, but I have made it very clear that behavior like that is not acceptable. And HP, D18 did try to intervene when she heard W hitting D14. I can’t remember if I copied that part of her email or not, but she did go into D14’s room and tell her mother to stop. She told W that she, not D14 had called my mother. (She didn’t know about the dog thing at that time.)
LFL, your comments are quite accurate as well. The thing about the kids being well adjusted is, of course, relative. They seem to have done much better than I at just realizing that their mother is ill and dealing with it. As I have said, for the most part they just try to stay away from her.
I have a lunchtime meeting I need to get to, so I’ll cut this off here. I’ll check back this afternoon and elaborate if needed.
