Mrs. NOP Just seconding your post and the inability to really enjoy things when they are going well - because we know how damn quickly that can disappear. as I grew up in a home where verbal outbursts and threatened or attempted spankings with belts were common. Lets just say it paid to be fast at carrying out hastily devised exit plans.
ZB, I am not saying your kids will be affected the same way as Mrs. NOP or I were, but Mrs. NOP's point is very valid.
I also wanted to you ZB that I can relate to your passive aggressiveness (PA).
I have been trying to be more aware of what happens in my R with BB when I or she doesn’t do something about conflicts. PA is a common consequence of stuffing feelings and trying to smooth things over instead of dealing with the problem.
Yesterday BB had a problem (displayed=put-downs about me) with me eating some pickles. I stated why I ate them last week. She did not agree with my POV then said "just forget what I (she) said and act like I (she) never said it."
I told BB once something is said it can never be forgotten and trying to ignore the issue and acting like it never happened was just another way to avoid working on the underlying problem and commonly results in PA activities later.
If I would have let BB's comment go, I am sure one or both of us would have had some PA like feelings and maybe some PA actions would have been carried out. Maybe resentful feelings would have continued much longer than necessary.
My point? Good for you seeing that PA'ness is an issue in your M. Most likely, if you improve your skills in this area a little more, you will solve more R issues and feel better about yourself, your position as a H, and a father within the family.
About your C not telling your W she displays NPD traits. I think she should be told. What she does about it, well that is another issue.
If she is upset by the Dx, tell her to get a second opinion or how ever many opinions as she wants. Express concern for her benefit, not that you or anyone else wants to label her or find fault or point a finger at her.
This is the elephant in the living room that everyone is not talking about for some reason, but it is OK to talk about the elephant poop???????
I can see your academic reasons for not feeling guilty about your A ( it is over and past) and I can see your reasons for staying married from an ethical POV. Working on the bitter medicine steps of what it might take to protect your kids is the issue for now.
Advice from me??? Well "My Way or the Highway" works sometimes but that might be too strong. I know Go With the Flow" is wrong. Sounds like what you have been doing lately is working so add to it and step up the pace by implementing changes faster than you did previously.
I think she should be told. What she does about it, well that is another issue. 