I don't think we all (and I know you weren't replying specifically to me) think/or believe your W is some wicked witch....most of us realize we are only hearing portions of your daily/weekly/monthly interactions
I think as far as the abuse thing goes most people are very concerned for you and your children....and rightly so. No, she may not behave this way on a daily or regular basis....BUT she does have outbursts that are completely inappropriate. The thing that I believe really bothers me is that she DID lash out this time. Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in abusive situation....it only takes that one time for it to begin really escalating and getting worse.
True, there was an added dimension (the dogs)....BUT it's simply not reasonable for her to punish your D the way she did over that....that's what has me concerned with her behavior. Behavior like that can leave such a lasting impression on a child. I think it hits so close to home for me for a couple of reasons #1 my first H was abusive.....#2 my father didn't control his anger with me, I was the 1st person he'd see everyday....and if he had a bad day....I was the person he'd take it out on. Did he hit me? No, but let me tell you the yelling and screaming I endured will always stay with me. To this day because of his screaming at me....I cannot stand to be around adults that are yelling and screaming. I don't care if they are cheering for a football game, it makes me edgy. I remember feeling like a dog cowering down at someone. I couldn't help but feel....your D felt this way too......and it's something that stays with you.
I do believe though you absolutely must stand up for your daughters whenever your W's behavior is out of line. I know she may not be have this way everyday....but WHEN she does behave out of line....you simply MUST not let her get away with it....if you are there, you MUST intervene. If you aren't present when her behavior happens, you MUST address it with her when you find out about it. You MUST be your daughters' champion and not only draw a very firm boundary on inappropariate behavior towards them.....they need to be able to depend on your protection and support.
As for your A....I bet you wish you'd never brought that up huh? LOL I don't know if there is any merit to whether or not it has an affect on what's going on with you guys today or not....but I don't really think it does. I think, as you said, it's history.
Personaly, I believe the issues you guys are facing are more stemming from #1 your passive aggressive behavior and unwillingness to confront her. Yes, you are doing better here but I think you are going to find that in the very near future you are really going to have to do some things you never thought you would, that are outside of your normal charater.... and #2 her NPD. Her NPD is something that will not go away. It's something, as you've learned, is not only nearly impossible to treat, but also nearly impossible to live with. Personally, I don't think she'd listen to your C if he did tell her she was NPD...I believe she'd look at him and think "he's just trying to pin all of our problems on ME."...that's part of NPD. Do I think someone should tell her....well yes, do I think she'll listen....NOPE.
Just wanted you to know....you aren't going unheard.
