Bube: I just wanted to chime in here and let you know that I'm behind you as well. I think Lil's point is very valid, too. Just because you tell your wife not to let the door hit her in the butt on the way out, doesn't mean that the marriage is over.
It's kind of like when my co-workers and I buy lottery tickets (only when the Powerball gets over $150 million. They all say, "first thing I am going to do when I win is quit my job." I tell them, "I'm not going to quit. But I will come in with an ENTIRELY different attitude."
So, it's time for a change in attitude. At the risk of getting slapped on the wrist by the women here, you might want to give the Rolling Stones' tune "Under My Thumb" a listen. Yes, it's misogynistic, but it might help with the attitude adjustment.
It's interesting your brought up a song. This morning I was listening to Tim McGraw's "Angry All The Time" and it made me think of you Bube. I know it's not exactly what you are going through but just simply change some of the words around a bit....and it made me think of you and your sitch.
GEL ______________________________________________
Here we are What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids Who have a way of gettin on with their lives I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day It's too late to keep from goin' crazy I got to get away
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young I hope someday they can see past what you have become I remember every time I said I'd never leave What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door I never quite made it back to the one I was before And God it hurts me to think of you For the light in your eyes was gone sometimes I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Well…, I wimped out. W didn’t leave and I didn’t toss her out.
I wish I could tell you what happened, but I’m at a complete loss to explain anything. The last convo we had was the thing about her van. Thursday night she came to bed – didn’t say anything, but came and got into bed. Just as I was drifting off, she came up behind me and put her hand on my side. Then Friday morning she got up and acted like everything was fine and nothing had ever happened at all. She’s taking care of her own dogs, being nice to the girls, and just acting like everything is fine.
On Saturday morning I talked to the friend she was planning on staying with and she asked me what happened. I told her that I didn’t have a clue. W just started acting like nothing had ever happened. She said that she had talked to W and told her that she needed to take a real hard look at the sitch and make sure she wasn’t doing something she would regret. W told her that “things had been better lately” and nothing more. We just kind of gave each other a who-knows shrug and went on.
So does somebody want to explain to me what just happened? I would ask if I should have made her leave, but I already know what you would tell me.
You didn't beg her to stay, you did't buy into what she wanted you to buy into (her martyr role), you may not have thrown her out but in a way.....you called her bluff....she didn't expect that, she didn't get her way. It certainly doesn't hurt that her friend talked to her as well.
Next time, and unfortuantely there probably will be a next time because this is very likely a temp change in her behavior....that she does that (threatens to leave or gets that way with you or your daughters), get her suitcase out and offer to help her. I say that because you don't want her to think it's ok for her to pull that crap either.
Hopefully though she doesn't want to lose what she has and is taking a closer look at herself.
I heard from the C this morning. He said that he was out of town and apologized for not getting back to me. Here’s another snippet from his email:
Quote: Sure, it is easy to understand. W is a bully. When you give in to her, it gives her energy to continue the behavior pattern. When you stand up to her, like all cowards she backs down. When W misbehaves again (and she will) tell her that if she does not like the living arrangements anymore just leave. The truth is she has no where to go and no one that will tolerate her behavior. Thank you for standing up to her.
Most of the remainder of his reply was directed at dealing with the D14 issues. He said that he thinks she would benefit from C, but that he wouldn’t recommend it right now. There was a lot there, but the gist of it was that we all have enough on our plates right now and just getting W under control will help D14 immensely. He does want to see her though. Rest easy Lil, I will get her some help.
VB, Her staying does not absolve her from her terrible behavior. Has she apologized to anyone? Not that that would hold much weight with the girls.
I think that now that she seems calm is the time to tell her that you "and the girls" do want her to leave. Pick a day when the girls are gone and pack her stuff for her. Let her friend know that she'll be coming. This honeymoon period will not last and you know it. The girls (especially D14) will be constantly waiting for the axe to fall if you allow her to stay.
This entire situation is horrifying and I hate to say it, but you wimped out on your kids. Like someone else said, eventually your kids will blame/disrespect "you" for not protecting them. This is something I know from my own experience growing up. I can sooooo relate to your D14. Please protect her.
(((ZB))) You're the only one that can make changes for the better. Until your W actually gets the help she needs and makes the changes necessary (long term) she should leave.
I will agree that her staying doesn't absolve her, BUT he's not likely to get any type of an apology from someone who has NPD....neither are her daughters likely to receive one.
I will agree though that allowing this situation to go on with no consequence is IMPO not a good thing. Her not acknowledging it and Bube you not bringing it up either....just sweeps it under the rug. I think right now you have the perfect opportunity to "separate" even if only temporarily. As someone else said (I believe it was BF) "separation" doesn't have to be a permanent thing, but I do believe in this case, all of you need this time to decompress (meaning you and your daughters)....and your W needs to see that just because she changes her mind that it doesn't mean, she's off the hook for her behavior.
This may be a stupid question but does your W know of the therapist's belief that she has NPD? Would it matter to her if she did? Sorry for the inane questions but I know little about it other than what would naturally occur to someone upon hearing the name of the diagnosis.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
No, she does not. The C didn't tell her. I've never asked him, but I just assumed that if he didn't tell her, he must have had some thought process behind that decision. So I haven't told her either.
Just had to say you are an amazing guy. You are the man-o-steel. I wish I could borrow your brass ones sometime, but it might look kinda weird to onlookers when we made the exchange. I wish you the absolute best.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
