Well, not much to report so I am probably going to get philosophical on you today.
The night was uneventful. I had a wedding consultation after work so I was not home for most of the evening. When I got home, we put the kids down and spent the rest of the night on the couch watching TV. No back rubs. I didn't offer, she didn't ask. I think I needed a break from that for some reason.
The thing that continues to confuse me is that she seems to be pulling back. I guess that's typical where they get closer and then pull away again? It hurts a little bit, especially when coupled with the uncertainty of the OM situation in my mind.
I am still resisting any kind of R talk, and the internal pressure to just blurt out questions and proclamations is intense these days since I know at the very least they would disrupt the limbo I see as evil right now.
I just want to tell her I need more out of this...but she knows that. I just want to tell her I want more, different intimacy...but she's not ready for that yet. I want to just hug her, kiss her, ML to her...but I'm not ready for that yet. I want so much right now...but I don't know if that matters to her yet. I want this to be over, for our life to move on in a new, positive way...but I am not sure yet that's possible.
Like I have felt during this process up to now, I keep feeling that talk will solve our problems, but I know it won't. Like most of you I just feel like if she KNEW how I felt, really KNEW it, then she would just stop all this and we would live happily ever after. Well, I may FEEL that way, but I know it's not reality because it doesn't take into account how SHE feels, and that's what I have been guilty of for a large part of our R to this point. I don't want to do that anymore. Obviously she feels something different from me right now and while it may not feel good to me, I guess I have to give her time to grow as well, and come into different feelings on her own. She's told me as much. I need to continue to listen.
So, I will continue to work on me, explore my intimacy issues and just grow more. I will also continue to monitor our progress, or lack thereof and try to realize that each day is full of possibility if I allow for it. Beginner's mind...
Overall, I guess I am happy with where I am right now, and happy with where WE are too. It's a FAR cry from 3 months ago and really, 2, 3, 8 years ago. There is a strong foundation of friendship being built. Sure, some part of me, the part still hiding behind the wall, is suspect of all this, but you know what? Sometimes you just have to decide to live, I mean REALLY live and take with that living all the good, bad and ugly. I am NOT ready to be hurt like I was before by this woman, but am also not going to go back to a state of living in my head. It IS possible to live life and not get hurt all the time. It's just a matter of where the life you are living is grounded. For me, now, it's grounded in ME, and to a lesser extent, my kids. My W does have a place, and honestly, more of a place than maybe she should considering all things, but she is NOT my reason for being...anymore, she is simply a person I love and am willing to endure a certain amount of pain and ambiguity for.
This is me, ready to experience my life really for the first time, and if I get touched by flame again, so be it, I know how to pull back and not keep flying towards it now. That's better than never seeing the light at all.
Quote: The thing that continues to confuse me is that she seems to be pulling back. I guess that's typical where they get closer and then pull away again? It hurts a little bit, especially when coupled with the uncertainty of the OM situation in my mind.
I feel like we are on the same page. My H was very distant from me last night. He went out for a little while after work - says for a few beers - don't really know.
Quote: I am still resisting any kind of R talk, and the internal pressure to just blurt out questions and proclamations is intense these days since I know at the very least they would disrupt the limbo I see as evil right now.
I just want to tell her I need more out of this...but she knows that. I just want to tell her I want more, different intimacy...but she's not ready for that yet. I want to just hug her, kiss her, ML to her...but I'm not ready for that yet. I want so much right now...but I don't know if that matters to her yet. I want this to be over, for our life to move on in a new, positive way...but I am not sure yet that's possible.
Like I have felt during this process up to now, I keep feeling that talk will solve our problems, but I know it won't. Like most of you I just feel like if she KNEW how I felt, really KNEW it, then she would just stop all this and we would live happily ever after.
GH, this is exactly how I feel. I just want this to be over. I want to feel love again. Will I ever feel it again? I don't want it from anyone other than my H.
My horoscope says that I have much patience, which I will need to begin to sort out my feelings. For what its worth, pretty accurate for today.
Hang in there, I will try to be there for you as you have been many times for me.
W just called and not surprisingly, she made a comment that this week has been rough because I have been gone so much in the evenings. Now you all know how I feel about that. I have really tried to keep my work schedule to a minimum but this week couldn't be helped.
I have a basaketball game tonight (first one in over a month) and I have had meetings the previous two nights. This weekend, I have a wedding to shoot on Saturday (3:00-10:00) and my W has me signed up to do some orientation on Sunday from 4:00-7:00. Yea, it's a tough week, but sometimes that happens. MUCH less frequently than it used to however.
So, she complained, I listened and agreed with her that it has been tough. I said I had nothing for the rest of the week until the weekend but then it was going to get rough again, not much I could do. I told her I understood it was hard with the kids and such.
What else can I say? She wants me to do these things. She wants me to make more money, and she seems to fully support my wedding business (much more so than she's supported any other thing I have done) so I guess I just chalk it up to her venting and try to validate then move on?
Please, I am struggling with this. It is classic mars/venus stuff for sure, but I just want to get it right. I clearly never have before.
At least I didn't get angry at her for feeling stressed. I suppose that is a step. One thing I AM NOT doing is caving on the game. Every time there is a home game she asks me why I didn't go with that tone that says "You should have gone because I think you didn't go because of me and that's silly". So hopefully I am doing the right thing now by just validating and still sticking to my plans. I have done too much of the wishy-washy thing lately and it's time for me to just do my thing. Like I said, if she's really paying attention, she sees I have REALLY cut back my schedule in interest mainly of the kids, but of course she benefits too. When such time comes when we can talk openly about our feelings and such, then maybe I will curtail things for her, but for now, I don't need to do that, or at least have that be the reason anyway.
OH, and I fully realize that this concern is supposing a relatively normal relationship where I should care this much about how she feels...well, we are getting there so I am trying to figure out the subtle things I used to do to affect her negatively. It's part of my personal growth as well as me trying different things in the context of our R.
GH...Have you ever brought your W with you on your wedding gigs? Just as a change of pace? I would sometimes go with SO and while it was someone else's wedding that we didn't know, it was still fun to get dressed up and help him out at the same time. Just a thought. Maybe there's some kind of job you could have her do....and spend some time together and make money....all at the same time?
I knew how I felt sitting at home with the kids while he was out....even though I "knew" he was working - sometimes I still perceived that he was out having fun. And just the thought of OK, he's got to work from 3 PM to 10 PM - plus hour drive there, hour drive back, that leaves a long, long period of time to try to fill. It used to depress me. Don't know if that's how your W feels, but even knowing you need the money sometimes doesn't help get you thru the afternoon.
Quote: GH...Have you ever brought your W with you on your wedding gigs?
I have tried. I suppose the wedding thing, as my main focus, has been recent enough that her interest in all things grasshopper had faded enough to where she was not interested in doing something like that with me. I have kept trying to get her more involved, but yet again, the spectre of the babysitting comes into play. Don't get me started on that...lol.
Quote: I knew how I felt sitting at home with the kids while he was out....even though I "knew" he was working - sometimes I still perceived that he was out having fun. And just the thought of OK, he's got to work from 3 PM to 10 PM - plus hour drive there, hour drive back, that leaves a long, long period of time to try to fill. It used to depress me. Don't know if that's how your W feels, but even knowing you need the money sometimes doesn't help get you thru the afternoon.
Yes. I think this is precisely how my W feels. What is the solution? I already do a LOT to make sure I schedule things taking into account her feelings and the kids's schedule so I am around as much as possible. Now, this is a recent development so I guess time will help bear the fruit on that...I hope.
I just think it is kinda funny how my W can not seem to exist alone with the kids for more than a couple hours at a time yet when I am there, she has no problem expecting me to happily do the same thing. I TOTALLY understood when it was her stuck at home with one or both of them all day. That is a TOUGH job and I did have sympathy for her, but I guess I never really DID anything about it, i.e. change my schedule. Now, however, she has both of them in school full-time and is NEVER home during the day so...um...well...couldn't one find a way to unwind, relax, have fun (oh, forgot, that's what the OM is for...lol...or not) so that when an evening came along where I had to be out for part or all of it, she would have the energy to just be mom and have fun with the kids? Sure, I have been grilled here before for assuming my W has all this free time in the day to do whatever. Well, she does, point blank, and the fact that she chooses NOT to use her time in a way that improves her life, i.e. get a job, volunteer, go to the spa, whatever, is not something I can understand. I guess that's where we are different. I guess, going back to my earlier statement, she DID do something to "improve" her life. She got a boyfriend.
