Well, not much to report so I am probably going to get philosophical on you today.
The night was uneventful. I had a wedding consultation after work so I was not home for most of the evening. When I got home, we put the kids down and spent the rest of the night on the couch watching TV. No back rubs. I didn't offer, she didn't ask. I think I needed a break from that for some reason.
The thing that continues to confuse me is that she seems to be pulling back. I guess that's typical where they get closer and then pull away again? It hurts a little bit, especially when coupled with the uncertainty of the OM situation in my mind.
I am still resisting any kind of R talk, and the internal pressure to just blurt out questions and proclamations is intense these days since I know at the very least they would disrupt the limbo I see as evil right now.
I just want to tell her I need more out of this...but she knows that. I just want to tell her I want more, different intimacy...but she's not ready for that yet. I want to just hug her, kiss her, ML to her...but I'm not ready for that yet. I want so much right now...but I don't know if that matters to her yet. I want this to be over, for our life to move on in a new, positive way...but I am not sure yet that's possible.
Like I have felt during this process up to now, I keep feeling that talk will solve our problems, but I know it won't. Like most of you I just feel like if she KNEW how I felt, really KNEW it, then she would just stop all this and we would live happily ever after. Well, I may FEEL that way, but I know it's not reality because it doesn't take into account how SHE feels, and that's what I have been guilty of for a large part of our R to this point. I don't want to do that anymore. Obviously she feels something different from me right now and while it may not feel good to me, I guess I have to give her time to grow as well, and come into different feelings on her own. She's told me as much. I need to continue to listen.
So, I will continue to work on me, explore my intimacy issues and just grow more. I will also continue to monitor our progress, or lack thereof and try to realize that each day is full of possibility if I allow for it. Beginner's mind...
Overall, I guess I am happy with where I am right now, and happy with where WE are too. It's a FAR cry from 3 months ago and really, 2, 3, 8 years ago. There is a strong foundation of friendship being built. Sure, some part of me, the part still hiding behind the wall, is suspect of all this, but you know what? Sometimes you just have to decide to live, I mean REALLY live and take with that living all the good, bad and ugly. I am NOT ready to be hurt like I was before by this woman, but am also not going to go back to a state of living in my head. It IS possible to live life and not get hurt all the time. It's just a matter of where the life you are living is grounded. For me, now, it's grounded in ME, and to a lesser extent, my kids. My W does have a place, and honestly, more of a place than maybe she should considering all things, but she is NOT my reason for being...anymore, she is simply a person I love and am willing to endure a certain amount of pain and ambiguity for.
This is me, ready to experience my life really for the first time, and if I get touched by flame again, so be it, I know how to pull back and not keep flying towards it now. That's better than never seeing the light at all.
