I have seen those things. They chase you in the mall and try to use them on you! I think my W would be scared, or wouldn't stop lauging if I came at her with that! Actually, when it comes to massages and such, she likes good ole fashioned hands. I have tried other things and it comes back to that so I just give the woman what she wants. At least in that I have finally learned to stop trying to figure out something she has clearly told me. I do that too much. Thanks for the suggestion. I may buy one for her to use on ME though!
Quote: They chase you in the mall and try to use them on you!
LOL! I've never seen them for sale except online. My W was afraid of it at first too -- I think it looks like an alien spider that's going to suck your brains out, but she loves it.
Quote: I may buy one for her to use on ME though!
An interesting thought ... maybe there are also other ways that she can do things for you. Intimacy is a two way street. The backrubs you talk about -- is that you always massaging her? Is she a "giving" person who would enjoy doing things to you to drive intimacy?
Another thought (last one, I promise) -- I've twice gotten some lotion and massaged my W's feet in the last month. That's very asexual but also intimate ... and a big relief if she's been walking a lot or wearing uncomfortable shoes.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: The backrubs you talk about -- is that you always massaging her? Is she a "giving" person who would enjoy doing things to you to drive intimacy?
Yes, and no. She is NOT a giving person when it comes to these things. It is another thing we need to work on when the time comes. She knows this too. There is WAY too much of me doing for her. Like I said, all in due time.
RB, you brought up a good point with your last post. My W has never really been one to "give" in intimacy. From her idea that it's incumbent on the man to initiate things to her just plain liking to receive and being slow to give, that's just how it's been. Add to that my being a giver and, well, here we are. I have always chalked it up to her being somewhat reserved when it came to these things, but then on the other hand...well, she's not that reserved...lol.
What you made me think of, and this is for the honest ladies out there, and you know who you are ; how much might me not being in shape really for our entire marriage (I was in GREAT shape before we got married) have contributed to her not really seeming to want to touch me? Once again, in the bedroom things were ok, but still mostly me touching her. In an answer to my own question and to get a little more graphic and personal, the one time in our M when I made an effort, lost some weight and started working out, she made comments how nice it was to touch me then...gee...I wonder...lol...
You both have great wisdom with what You both are and have been through. I am trying to save what I can of a marraige that my w has stated is over. CHeck into my sitch Pleasehelp2-2006 & Pleasehelp32006.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Quote: I know that your W doesn't initiate, but what about giving if you ask? How would she respond if, for example, you asked her to rub your back?
Ok, here's the thing, and I posted about this awhile back, but it'll do some good to restate it again, for my sake and yours.
My W WILL do for me if I ask, but in the past I was TOTALLY uncomfortable with receiving. I would ask her to do something, say a back rub, and 20 seconds into it, tell her she could stop. I just have a terrible time with that. I think I would be ok now since my self esteem is so much higher (I know I deserve that now) and I am also taking care of myself and my happiness. So, really, her giving is relatively uncharted territory for us and I have no idea how it will go, but I am surely going to ask her. Again, call it shallow, whatever, but now that I'm in shape and getting better by the day, she will likely have much less trouble touching me than before...if ever SHE did have a problem. I suspect it was all me on this one. She really is a generous person when you are willing and able to receive.
That's what I thought. I have the same problem, in that I've almost never let my W give me a backrub or do anything for me other than kissing and $ex.
Your W has indicated to you that she wants more non-sexual intimacy, so let her give it to you and see what happens.
I'm going to do the same thing. Last Wednesday night, I spent the evening taking care of her, but I really didn't ask for her to do anything back -- a mistake, I think.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Wow, the fact that we haven't heard from you leads me to think that things are going well. I truely hope so anyway. I can't wait to hear as since you and I started on this journey at about the same time I am hoping that we end this whole stage together too. The postive mental attitude really does work. I don't know what the future holds for either us, but I anticipate only good things!
Mama, that's funny, I didn't post for like 10 hours and you worry...lol. Such high expectations
No, really just nothing to report. I have found a new hell to live in, but I TRULY realize that it's light years beyond the REAL hell many of you are still in. I just have to live daily trying to figure out just where we are. The ring has still never left my W's hand, which is VERY strange for her. Even when she was wearing her original wedding band she took it off every now and again depending on what she was doing. It always went right back on, but you know what I mean.
I am just confused. As usual, I rubbed her back during TV time last night, but that is getting strained every once in awhile, with her saying she doesn't need/want it. She clearly knows it's my door to intimacy and she's closing it now and again for some reason. No matter to me. All things in time.
Before I went to bed my W was checking our banking info online and I walked up behind her to squeeze her shoulders and tell her I was sorry a shirt she likes got ruined in the laundry. When I was done, I bent down and kissed her on the neck and she pulled away like a bug bit her. It was pretty uncomfortable. I tried not to react and just went to bed. I guess this may be the withdrawal time she has to go through after the OM? I know I am trying not to speculate, but the alternative is that everything else is a lie. You all told me (and so does my reading) that when the OM was out of the picture, she would actually get MORE distant as she went through the grieving process for him and their R. I just hope that's what this is.
Oh, and another interesting thing. I have not seen her claddagh ring since the day she bought her new band. She is not wearing it anymore after wearing it daily since we got home. She wore it on the other hand so it's not like the new ring took it's place. Also, it's not in the box she was keeping it in ever since she got it. It's not in the bathroom where she leaves her other "daily" jewelery. That is interesting to me. Wonder if I was right about what it meant to her? Or, could be that she just doesn't like it, or even that it WAS about us and the new band serves that purpose. Who knows. Now that I've got that all out, time to forget about it, lol.
So, Mama, and curious minds wanting to know, yes, everything is ok. Any stress I have now is self generated. My guard is still up, or at least ready to go up at a moment's notice. I am still leery, but more weary of this process. It's not over and the steps are becoming less clear by the day. That's a good thing I think.
; how much might me not being in shape really for our entire marriage (I was in GREAT shape before we got married) have contributed to her not really seeming to want to touch me? Once again, in the bedroom things were ok, but still mostly me touching her. 