he way I have found around it is I bought tickets to a concert for a band she likes so we have one "date" planned this month. I am going to do more of that, and just let her figure out how to deal with the kids. She seems ok with that because we COULD get our parents or her sister to do it with enough notice.
FYI--it would be great if you took care of this detail as well. I'm not sure how W feels, but if my H made fun plans and left the grunt work of logistics to me, it would definitely take away from the treat.
Now, lol, don't disregard that even if you think this is crazy. (I even deleted this and put it back...) Notice the interesting shift between "let HER figure out..." and "because WE could get...". There is a subtle, but weird boundary issue here that I am *overly sensitive* to that is difficult to explain. It is as if you are in that instance viewing her as an extension of yourself that you can deploy to get things done. I'm all for sharing the load and doing things in a cooperative partnership, which sometimes includes tasking each other even, but there is a difference between a partnership and an R in which the other is viewed as an extension of self.
In the interest of honesty here and with myself, my problem with romance is much more basic, or more complicated depending on how I look at it, than I am making it out to be. Fact is that it's been YEARS, maybe our entire marriage, since my W and I kissed outside the bedroom. I mean that too. We just don't do that. I don't know why. I think it may have to do something with a comment I made LONG ago about not liking her smoker's breath, but who knows. Bottom line is that I don't know if it's me, her, or both, but since it's been so long, I feel like a kid, anticipating the first time all over again. Sure, it sounds cute and endearing, but I assure you it's nerve racking and terrible to be a 35 year old married man afraid to kiss his wife. More than that, I am not even sure how to anymore. I guess it's all part of the process, but I don't know if I should talk to her about it, or just do it. I know OT and others (especially the ladies, lol) would say to just do it. I suppose I will have to but even getting close enough to kiss her would be a considerable change from how things are up to this point. Sorry for being so adolescent, but it's a hurdle I need to get over. In the bedroom, things are great (or so I thought) but it's the other aspects of intimacy that have suffered over the years. I want this to change, and I am determined that it start with me.
Quote: FYI--it would be great if you took care of this detail as well. I'm not sure how W feels, but if my H made fun plans and left the grunt work of logistics to me, it would definitely take away from the treat.
Well, I have faith in how I handled it. She asked immediatly after I gave her the tickets how we'd handle the babysitting. I told her we could drop them by my parents (only an hour away from concert) or she could get the babysitter we used before. I also told her I would be happy to arrange it, but felt she was happier if she made those arrangments in the past so would defer to her. She seemed to appreciate me noticing that she liked to arrange for the sitter/care for the kids. It's a step. Once we get a sitter established and she feels comfortable, then I agree that I should make all the plans.
As for the "partnership" versus using her as an extension of myself, that is an interesting concept. I will give that some thought...thank you as usual.
GH, I'm certainly no expert in romance, but I think you could start by focusing on things other than a passionate kiss. Maybe you're behind her and massage her shoulders, then kiss her neck. Maybe you start telling her how sexy she is. Notice her clothes and perfume and makeup and tell her when she looks good. Can you buy her some lingerie? Maybe a nightgown if you feel that you can't get her something too sexy? Just thinking off the top of my head here ...
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks RB. Actually, I am doing all those things save the undies. The problem is that's how I ALWAYS do it. When I say there has been no kisses outside the bedroom, I mean on the mouth. Our ML always, and I MEAN always starts our with back rubbing, then moves to kissing on the neck, etc.
I just want to have a physical relationship with my W, especially when it comes to something OTHER than back rubs without it leading to $ex. I think she wants this too since she mentioned earlier on in the sitch that our entire intimate relationship was about $ex and she didn't like that. Again, I feel it is appropriate to just ask her what she is missing in our R, but not right now. I am either going to just DO, or accept for now. I am ok with taking things slow, but not so slowly that she forgets I'm here again!
Anyway, this is still all about what I want until we are back in a REAL marriage so I will do what I think is best and not dwell too much on her/her feelings. I will not trample on her feelings, but I cannot go around doing or not doing because I THINK she'll react or feel a certain way, now can I...
This thought had actually crossed my mind before you wrote your kissing post, which reminded me of it.
Anyway, this could be totally off base, but in my experience, it can be VERY painful to be touched in a tentative and/or asexual way when one craves passion. If your W is aching for some heat and passion in her life, then she may cringe when you touch her without it.
Of course, when I was S, my XH cringed when I tried to hug him, but this wasn't because he wanted more, but less. It was definitely an invasion of his physical and emotional space.
BTW, it is *great* that you are being honest with yourself about the whole intimacy thing being a big problem for you because of your own insecurities. Though hard, it must feel much better than putting it all on an unresponsive W
Quote: If your W is aching for some heat and passion in her life, then she may cringe when you touch her without it.
I think this used to happen long before this crisis. I really believe my way of casually, sans passion, approaching our ML and intimacy in general really put her off. I think she suffered through it because once we got to the point where I knew ML would happen, it got more passionate, but I'm sure it was a large part of what killed things for us. It's probably a bad thing that she feels my passion is not so much for her, but for ML in general.
SO, that brings be to now, and the quandary you so wonderfully illustrated for me. How do I know if she IS ready to be "touched" and wishes I would be more passionate, or if she's just not ready, as she's indicated recently, and I need to back off. Do I further damage the situation by NOT being passionate, something I think despite all my issues, I will NOT have a problem with when we resume our normal lives (such as they will be)? Or, do I damage things further by pushing too soon and not heeding her words that she's just not ready?
Add to all that the fact that she KNOWS I want $ex right now and probably guesses that ANY physical contact by me is designed with that in mind. She has no idea I want more than that (or less than that as it is) and that's where my desire to just talk to her comes in. I feel that if she knows I am not all about the $ex, then maybe she'll see my actions backing that up.
It's a tough spot to be in, but I guess a good problem to have overall. At least I have the opportunity to make a choice, meaning that my W is at least receptive to me at all now.
OK, GH, I've got another idea for you. Something that my W just absolutely loves is the tingler. This thing is relaxing and tickling at the same time. It's not sexual, but it is intimate. It's a good goosebump feeling, really. My W will let me sit and do this to her for hours, and I absolutely made sure that I took it with me when I stayed over with her last Wednesday night (and it was very much worth it). I know that it looks ridiculous, but trust me and order one.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
