The weekend was good. We took the kids to the beach Saturday and then cleaned yesterday after we went to CHURCH. Now, if you knew me, you would know how interesting it is that I went to church for the first time in over 20 years but suffice to say I am not the church going type. I believe in god, I just don't have much use for organized religion. My W is not either, and is actually a different religion but not practicing so it amounts to the same as me...just not really a church person. We are really doing it for the kids sake, but I think we'll get something out of it as well. It was good overall and I think we'll keep going.
As for the R stuff, really nothing to report. The ring stayed on ALL weekend ! I never saw her without it. The evidence that OM was still around was nil. I really didn't notice any phone calls, etc. Then again, I have learned not to look for that stuff much anymore either. I spend more time on my W now, and I mean on what SHE does in terms of us then on whatever else. At this point, I am starting to agree that he is not the problem anymore. Sure, he may be the reason she is still uptight around me, or maybe not. Once again, I am trying to release ALL preconceived notions and go into this with an open mind, or beginner's mind if you will. She is still aloof and distant. Sometimes she likes me to touch her (mainly back rubs/scratching) other times she seems resistant to it. It's confusing for sure, especially when I am trying to figure out if she's ready for anything more that what's going on right now. I am going to just keep being honest and direct. We'll see what happens.
Speaking of honesty, I have to admit to getting impatient, but I know that, see that, so I can work towards controlling it. It feels like things should be, well, just "more" and I am not sure if they're not because I have not "done" more or because she's just not ready for any level of intimacy (physical OR emotional) beyond where we are now (and trust me, I know it's VERY early in the process). It's tough to be in this place, especially for me, knowing that if/when we get back to a full R, I want to be more romantic, proactive, and emotionally invested so that we have a better chance of not returning to this place. Do I do that now? Would it be pursuit? Is she ready? Should I even care? Most importantly, how do I feel about all this. Am I ready? Do I want this? As usual, it's best now to focus on me and what I can control, which is myself and my emotions and just take hers as they come. Speculation is just the weaker cousin of control.
The daily struggle is to not walk on eggshells, but as OT keeps telling me, indirectness is NOT attractive, nor particularly effective either so I keep trying to work on either accepting or communicating but NOT internalizing or worrying. So, it's the straight and narrow for me and I'll live fully in each day to experience it for what it is. There, was that enough philosophical BS for one morning?
! I never saw her without it. 
