Just now, I was walking by her on the couch. She was listening to her iPod, just chilling but looked a little sad. I asked her if she was ok. She replied "I'm trying you know." I didn't respond. "I'm trying to get back to us. You have to give me that." Again, I didn't reply. I just walked over to her, leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.
A few minutes later she gave me a BIG hug. Funny, I am happy, but NOT fooled into thinking that smooth sailing is ahead. It may be, but I am cautious never the less.
More tomorrow, but for tonight, I am still a happy man.
GH, I am SO happy for you!! (and yes, a little jealous too!) You are such an inspiration to us all.
This morning while doing online banking there was a $3.00 debit to a Hallmark store. Arghh....like you did with the shirt and bear my emotions went wild. But I will do as you did and choose to ignore it. I will not participate in his drama.
Again, I hate to loose you but I can bet you won't be on this site much longer. Keep doing what you've been doing and I wish you much love and happiness!!
Well, all was NOT well last night. It was one of my W's worst nights. She drank too much and was REALLY sick. She said she was depressed and "could not do this" anymore. I don't know what that meant. All in all, it was ok. She got sick and then felt better. I just comforted her and really tried hard to not get into a conversation with her. Usually when I do at these times, it goes REALLY badly. She woke up this morning feeling terrible and vowing not to do that again. Knowing her, it won't happen for a long time. she hates to be drunk and especially like that.
Anyway, things are still ok. We are going to the beach with the kids today (spur of the moment decision by W) and she's wearing the ring. Actually, she hasn't taken it off since she put it on.
Lastly, one more thing that was pretty nice last night was I heard her talking to one of her friends on the phone and she was talking me up pretty good. She was talking up the fact that my business is finally getting successful (been about 7 years of struggle) and how it is really nice now that we aren't so stressed about money all the time. It was the first time I have ever heard her talk about me/my business as a success and that she was really happy about that. Just another little thing to smile about. I have ALWAYS believed in my business and myself professionally so I don't NEED her to feel that way, but it's really nice to hear.
As for me not being here anymore, I don't know if you've figured it out or not, but I am relatively immune to the the daily drama on these boards. I would hope like NYS and OT (yea, I have high aspirations) I would stick around and help when I can. That said, I AM NOT in a position to start thinking that things will be such that I don't need you all. This is a step in the process, but I don't have a CLUE if it is permanent. My W is trying. That's all she's said she's doing. When you try, you can fail. It's a fact I have to understand.
Thank you all for your continued support. It really means the world to me.
The weekend was good. We took the kids to the beach Saturday and then cleaned yesterday after we went to CHURCH. Now, if you knew me, you would know how interesting it is that I went to church for the first time in over 20 years but suffice to say I am not the church going type. I believe in god, I just don't have much use for organized religion. My W is not either, and is actually a different religion but not practicing so it amounts to the same as me...just not really a church person. We are really doing it for the kids sake, but I think we'll get something out of it as well. It was good overall and I think we'll keep going.
As for the R stuff, really nothing to report. The ring stayed on ALL weekend ! I never saw her without it. The evidence that OM was still around was nil. I really didn't notice any phone calls, etc. Then again, I have learned not to look for that stuff much anymore either. I spend more time on my W now, and I mean on what SHE does in terms of us then on whatever else. At this point, I am starting to agree that he is not the problem anymore. Sure, he may be the reason she is still uptight around me, or maybe not. Once again, I am trying to release ALL preconceived notions and go into this with an open mind, or beginner's mind if you will. She is still aloof and distant. Sometimes she likes me to touch her (mainly back rubs/scratching) other times she seems resistant to it. It's confusing for sure, especially when I am trying to figure out if she's ready for anything more that what's going on right now. I am going to just keep being honest and direct. We'll see what happens.
Speaking of honesty, I have to admit to getting impatient, but I know that, see that, so I can work towards controlling it. It feels like things should be, well, just "more" and I am not sure if they're not because I have not "done" more or because she's just not ready for any level of intimacy (physical OR emotional) beyond where we are now (and trust me, I know it's VERY early in the process). It's tough to be in this place, especially for me, knowing that if/when we get back to a full R, I want to be more romantic, proactive, and emotionally invested so that we have a better chance of not returning to this place. Do I do that now? Would it be pursuit? Is she ready? Should I even care? Most importantly, how do I feel about all this. Am I ready? Do I want this? As usual, it's best now to focus on me and what I can control, which is myself and my emotions and just take hers as they come. Speculation is just the weaker cousin of control.
The daily struggle is to not walk on eggshells, but as OT keeps telling me, indirectness is NOT attractive, nor particularly effective either so I keep trying to work on either accepting or communicating but NOT internalizing or worrying. So, it's the straight and narrow for me and I'll live fully in each day to experience it for what it is. There, was that enough philosophical BS for one morning?
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Bowtech, I'm sure you're right. I haven't always felt that way, but never having it be the other way, and seeing how things are taking a slight upwards turn, I have to believe this was the right way. Thank you.
Quote: if/when we get back to a full R, I want to be more romantic, proactive, and emotionally invested so that we have a better chance of not returning to this place. Do I do that now? Would it be pursuit? Is she ready? Should I even care?
GH, I think you can definitely be more romantic and proactive right now. IMHO, finding good babysitting and going on more dates with your W is the #1 key to your marriage right now. If you can't find anyone, look around at churches in your area to see if they have a "parents' night out" program where they will watch your kids on certain nights. You need to be at romantic restaurants and going to plays or concerts or whatever your W would enjoy. Or, maybe take a day off from your day job for a couples' massage at a day spa.
It's a relic of dating, but women still expect men to plan those events, and I don't really think it's pursuing for you to do those things as long as she understands that you're doing them for her and not with any expectations.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Last night laundry (yes, the same laundry we've been working on for days now) was done, and we did a lot of work on areas of the house that had been neglected for awhile (mainly the playroom and kid's bedrooms). I took down S3's crib finally and moved it out. We fixed up his room and reorganized their toys once again (never ending task this is). The kids even helped. It was hard work, but fun.
Well, at the end of the night, other parts of the house were not quite "taken care of". Normal cleaning that we would both do daily was not done and my W was frustrated. She's a neat freak and it kills her to have clutter. Normally, when she voices her frustration like she did at around 11pm last night, I would get irritated and jump to "fix" things rather than have to hear her like that. In short, I always take that kind of thing personally, like she's really saying "why didn't you clean that mess up eariler. Now I'll have to work until 2am to do it." Wrong answer. Last night, I just continued doing whatever it was I was doing, simply saying "I know it sucks to have worked all day and still see mess. We just need another day to finish. It's hard to just let it go, but tomorrow we'll get it done." She said "Yea, I know." and just finished up with packing the kids lunch and we went to bed awhile later. The conversation lasted for about 10 minutes and then moved on. Wow. that NEVER happened in the past. This is one more big moment (or little one but...) because it was a dramatic 180 for me. I would NEVER just sit by and let her complain about some part of the house being a mess without putting on a big show to "try" fix things. Now honestly, most of the time I would just say "Well honey, do you want me to do that for you?" as if whatever it was was something only SHE was responsible for and me doing it was "helping" her and she would respond with an annoyed "No, I'll take care of it." I now see the error in that. I was still making her responsible for my actions and thus not really giving anything of myself to the situation. In this situation, I either do or not do, but don't put it on her to choose. That said, we both worked hard and I didn't think she intended for either of us to "fix" the situation, she just needed to vent so I let her. It worked like a charm. She was onto another subject in minutes...damn that Gray guy. He's onto something here!
Quote: GH, I think you can definitely be more romantic and proactive right now.
I think so too, but considering that even before this, we/I were not that romantic, it's somewhat daunting a task to undertake. As I have addressed before here, the babysitting thing is a sticking point in our M. I always want to get one, have arranged for one in the past and my W protested to the point were we just didn't go. The fact is that she's a control freak when it comes to the kids/childcare, and she's never really been comfortable with the idea of babysitting. I think she's getting over it, but even recently when I said I was going to get one, she resisted. Now sure, I could apply the do or not do principal to this, but she seems to feel strongly about it so I don't think it's simply a matter of me taking initiative. Also, she's the one that knows and has contact with the only babysitter we have ever used and for some reason, fails to actually use her despite saying how great she was. I am at a loss sometimes, I really am. I can't help thinking that she just doesn't want to go out with me...or at least the "old" me...lol. We WILL address this problem sooner or later and in the meantime, the way I have found around it is I bought tickets to a concert for a band she likes so we have one "date" planned this month. I am going to do more of that, and just let her figure out how to deal with the kids. She seems ok with that because we COULD get our parents or her sister to do it with enough notice. I think she is happy to have me planning things so in one respect, I suppose I am already doing as you advised. I just want to get to a point where we can get a sitter and just go out to dinner without any big event to go to.
As for general romance, I am working on it, I really am but I just don't want to go too far too soon, and that's MY feeling, not one based on hers.
