Ok here is a little diddy about yesterday. I alluded to this on Donlee's thread.
I got home before W and kids. W and I both agreed it was laundry day (we basically had not done much since returning and it was a LOT to do so I said I would help out. Hey, I need to learn for when she's not there...lol) and I said I would get started when I got home. Ok, so I get all the kiddies clothes dumped on our bed, ready to sort. I notice one of those f@#king t-shirts on our bed, right next to W's pillow. Of course, curiosity killed this cat and I smelled the shirt. What a coincidence, it smells just like that little f#$king bear! Of course, with the house empty, I did a little venting. Afterwards, I began forming how I was going to confront my W with this. I had it all planned out, and...well...wait... Did this really change anything? Did it mean, as I was SURE it did, that she was so totally hung up on him that she needed a powerful reminder like his smell with her as she slept BESIDE ME? Hmmmm. Was there any other possibility, and even if not, like I said, did it really change anything? I calmed down a bit and tried to look at things without the emotions I was feeling. I didn't have much time because W was coming home soon. At first, I decided that I would not SAY anything, but I went and got the bear from were S3 "hid it" lol, and arranged it neatly in the neck hole of the t-shirt as a kind of shrine to my knowledge of what these things were. I went back to folding laundry. I looked over at my little sculpture of doom and decided that it was a pathetic, passive/aggressive thing to do and if anything I would just say something or not. Well, in the end, what I did was return the bear to his home in S3's room (I SWEAR, I had NOTHING to do with him taking it) and put the "dirty" shirt in the laundry to be washed. Basically, I am not going to have something in my bed that belongs to another man (ok, don't go there, I know what you're thinking...stop), smells included, so I am going to simply remove it from the area. If it returns, I will remove it again but like the bear, I suspect once the shirt is gone, it will not return anytime soon. I am also not going to worry about what it means. Like I keep saying, it changes nothing about what is going on. It could mean she has broken things off and is mourning that by clinging to these things, or she is so in love she can't bear (no pun intended) to be without his scent. Who knows, it could be a new perfume she is trying out. I could be mildew from our closet. Who knows, and more importantly, who the hell cares! What I KNOW is that I am deciding not to let it affect me, and thus I do not need to talk to her about it. I got pissed, raged a bit, yelled at the walls, and then moved on. I am NOT MY emotions, nor my reactions to them. I can choose to make an issue of something or not. It's up to me, and ultimately I have to live with my decisions. It feels good to know that and really DO it! I consider this one more hurdle towards getting to the point where I am detached "enough". I want to be detached enough so that these daily reminders of what is going on no longer affect me as if they were the first time I am finding out about the A. Trust me, they still do, but now I am better able to identify that and STOP my reaction to them. Somewhere it says to not sweat the small stuff and that everything is small, or something like that. Great words to live by. I have more important things to do like edit my Ireland pictures, design an album from my last wedding and figure our where I want to go with the kids for St. Patrick's day!
