Quote: R's just "happen" and you shouldn't have to work on them to make it work...sort of a romanticized view if you ask me.
Seems like this is the pattern the WA's have! Idealizing R's.
Quote: The most important thing I think you/I need to consider in all this is this; we both seem to have accepted that our W's do not, and maybe never will open up to us. You also seem to have said (correct me if I am wrong) that much like my W, yours seems to not go FAR out of her way to learn what makes you happy and do those things (well, for that matter, I guess neither did we really). I am NOT saying they don't want us to be happy and aren't willing to affect that, just that since they are not verbal creatures, they rely on their perception of what makes us happy (often really just a projection of what makes THEM happy) to guide them in their interaction with us and ultimatly they fall short of meeting our needs/desires, and vice versa btw. Here is the important part. Ok, they don't do those things with US, but are we sure they don't do it with OM? We seem to believe it is a character trait in our W's that causes them to be non-communicative, but what if it's a character trait of our relationships and really just a dynamic that has either grown to be, or has always been for whatever reason. Is it a fatal flaw or something that can be worked on? My point is that I am afraid that my W IS open, honest and eager to please this other man, and of course, him to her. Actually, it seems clear that she probably is so what does that mean? I know it means a whole ton of things that I could post about forever, but the main point is that I/we may need to realize that it IS possible for our W's to communicate their needs, and for them to WANT to hear ours but they are just NOT right now. Did they ever? Could they ever again?
All right - I think I may be in bitch mode today....I apologize in advance. I think you guys may be wandering down the wrong path here. What I mean is - you're focusing waaaayyyy tooo much on the OP and that R. Focus on yourselves. Face it that you are in LIMBO right now. A disturbing, unhappy place to be. Hell on Earth. However, you are going to be there until your W decides otherwise. Or until YOU decide otherwise. I, too have the same communication problems with my SO. But instead of focusing on the our "R" communication issues, I work on them in other areas, like the kids. It's a start, anyway. I can't force him to work on us. Don't bend over backwards all the time to try and get your W to come around. You are not in a happy, healthy, M right now. Stop trying to meet all of your perceived W's needs. She's not meeting yours. So, you have to meet your own until the day comes that she decides she wants to work on things with you.
Here's some things from other posts that I've read and found helpful:
Quote: "The biggest roblems for me are a lack of patience and a failure to recognize that letting MY needs creep into my efforts only slows the whole process down and frustrates me even more."
and...here's a really good one:
Quote: "Are you expecting whatever you're going to do to be the 'one big thing' to help turn their head around, and profess their undying love to you? If so, how are you going to handle the disappointment of your unfulfilled expectations if they don't? Will you be willing to keep up with your efforts, and maybe just change a few things, or will it make you give up? That is exactly what I have done up until now. In my sitch a big part of the S and hurt feelings was because I was withdrawn and distant with my W. At first I persued hard, and it immiediately pushed her away. Luckily I found Michelles books and stopped. I backed off and started showing her I cared through my actions. But I expected each thing I did to be the big "miricale" that brought her back. ...And when it didn't happen I would get hurt and mad and say thigns out of anger I didn't mean. Then I would back off for awhile and then do it all again. The really bad thing here is that when I was showing her I care and being there for her, that was WORKING. I just didn't se it and didn't give it enough time. Then I would screw it up and go back to the way I was in the M ---which is just what she expected. It really hurt and confused my wife. And now it may be to late. But I am not giving up. In my sitch my W needs consistant, honest, unconditional, caring, with nothing expected in return, in order to break down her wall.---At least I think----Thats what I am going to do."
There's a couple other, too, that I'm trying to search for and will post once I've found. I printed them out a while ago and didn't save the links - duh! Hope they help.
GH - just saw your post. Yuo're right - the OP does become a problem IF your W says she is working on the M and is still seeing the OP. But that's not the case - YET. Right?
