Quote: R's just "happen" and you shouldn't have to work on them to make it work...sort of a romanticized view if you ask me. The other problem is that she is unwiling to verbalize her feelings, emotions, needs, etc. Years ago, I remember initiating conversations designed to get a better feel for what she needed in oour R and she really never had any answers.
Holy shlit! You hit dead on again.
The most important thing I think you/I need to consider in all this is this; we both seem to have accepted that our W's do not, and maybe never will open up to us. You also seem to have said (correct me if I am wrong) that much like my W, yours seems to not go FAR out of her way to learn what makes you happy and do those things (well, for that matter, I guess neither did we really). I am NOT saying they don't want us to be happy and aren't willing to affect that, just that since they are not verbal creatures, they rely on their perception of what makes us happy (often really just a projection of what makes THEM happy) to guide them in their interaction with us and ultimatly they fall short of meeting our needs/desires, and vice versa btw. Here is the important part. Ok, they don't do those things with US, but are we sure they don't do it with OM? We seem to believe it is a character trait in our W's that causes them to be non-communicative, but what if it's a character trait of our relationships and really just a dynamic that has either grown to be, or has always been for whatever reason. Is it a fatal flaw or something that can be worked on? My point is that I am afraid that my W IS open, honest and eager to please this other man, and of course, him to her. Actually, it seems clear that she probably is so what does that mean? I know it means a whole ton of things that I could post about forever, but the main point is that I/we may need to realize that it IS possible for our W's to communicate their needs, and for them to WANT to hear ours but they are just NOT right now. Did they ever? Could they ever again?
It makes me think that contrary to my last post on the issue of my work schedule, that this lack of communication IS a problem I contribute to somehow and maybe helped bring out in my W long ago. I am going to really think about that and see if there isn't some 180's to be done in that area that may help her feel ok to open up to me. Hopefully I/we am already doing the right things. Maybe it's just time that will aid us in this. More time validating and not judging could do the trick. We'll see. I just feel like I don't really want to live in a relationship that relies on guess work and trial & error for it's success. If I have learned anything in all this, it's that direct, honest communication is not only really hard and rarely practiced, but it's essential in a healthy M.
