I don't know how similar any one else's sitch is or their SO's, but I see what you saying as being one of the main sticking points in moving forward in my R right now. My W has always sort of looked at things the same way...R's just "happen" and you shouldn't have to work on them to make it work...sort of a romanticized view if you ask me. The other problem is that she is unwiling to verbalize her feelings, emotions, needs, etc. Years ago, I remember initiating conversations designed to get a better feel for what she needed in oour R and she really never had any answers.
I guess whether or not its a major hindrance to reconciling depends upon what it is that you are willing to accept. She may never open up or work to make you happy. This is something you may have to accept and should factor into your decision (i.e. choice) to work it out. Only you can change you and your perception of what it is that makes you happy. This is kind of where I see myself right now. I am the only one that can make positive changes and hope that they have a trickle down effect...and maybe they will. But I also must accept that she may never be the sort of person who just pours her heart out to me or actively tries to work on building a new R. The real question is not whether she will be able to do so, but whether I can, want or will want that sort of R going forward into the future.
Another thing you had mentioned on an earlier post of yours centered on the control issues that your W seems to exhibit. Funny, I still maintain that our W's are either one and the same person, or twins. My W no doubt has extreme control issues, (trust me, its not just idle observation) and some of this has manifested itself in her weight loss regime. I can't change that sort of behavior either and its also another trait that I must examine and wonder whether it will allow us to build a healthy, fruitful relationship. These are some of the things that you and I both have to think about....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
