Quote: No, don't; the more you concentrate on stopping something, the more you'll bring that something to mind. Just every time you say that you and Rob were separated at birth, really think about it and about what is so similar in you
Trust me, I get great mileage from Rob's thread. It is SO similar to mine, and yet he is a bit ahead of me so it's helpful to see him succeeding and failing in places where I either am or will be.
Quote: Well, I'm not sure if I can reassure you. See, it can happen any time with any person - people can and will hurt our feelings, maybe not in the way your W does, but still. There will probably be no guarantees with her either even when (I don't say IF, I say WHEN as Michelle suggests you do too ) your R is back on track. The thing is I think, and I also think that it corresponds with what you posted on my tread, is that you are not defined by your feelings, and that's the goal of DBing. That whatever happens, even if your feelings are hurt, YOU ARE NOT CRUSHED, you are strong enough to continue being you. Then, you're less afraid of your feelings being hurt, and you know what I think, at that point there's not much to guard, really. Because you're confident people can't crush you that easily, and therefore you have less trouble reacting. I'm not saying that's when you can let the hell break loose, but when there's no hell to break loose since you're confident. COnfused yet?
Not confused at all other than to try to figure out why I didn't think to say it that way. I am not looking for any guarantees that I won't get hurt, I am just wishing that the day would come when, as you say, I would just rely on my inner ability to deal with that hurt and not have to avoid it so much like I do now in being detached. I want to be "attached" (please, I mean that in the most non-clingy way possible) and still be able to not get "crushed" as you say. Very well put.
Quote: And that's because you're confident. You don't dwell not because you stop yourself from doing it and are being guarded, but because you don't feel the need to dwell, don't you? Because you're now confident in your ability to accept and deal with life as it is, not as you planned it to be, period.
Thanks for that. I am MUCH more confident that I have ever been before, at least in my personal life. Professionally, I have always been confident to a fault and now I can say that some of that is true in my personal life too. It's a great feeling, but honestly, I am not totally convinced of it's staying power yet. It will take time for it to be permanent in me. It's close though!
Quote: But you're right. Don't get sucked into same old routines, because they are the road that brought you here in the first place. And yes, if we are to believe Michelle, significant changes in oneself will bring about change in R and another spouse. Just don't forget about those changes until they become a permanent part of you.
I do believe in that theory of self change brings about change in those around you. I've seen it in my sitch and others. It does work, or maybe even just the fact that our perspective is changed that we perceive it to be different. No matter, whatever happens when we change is good. That I know. As for the changes sticking. I thing some of mine are here for good and others I have to still work on (like my confidence and ability to NOT base what I say on what her reaction likely will be). I like how I am right now and I really hope I stay this way. After all, it's up to me to do that, no?
