Hi GH,

Wow, the old fire breathing FD is back!
I never departed! Just been.. sick. You know, frozen throat and all

I will really try to do as I suggested to Rob and STOP!
No, don't;
the more you concentrate on stopping something, the more you'll bring that something to mind.
Just every time you say that you and Rob were separated at birth, really think about it and about what is so similar in you

I do not mean to say that I want to just be a reactive, emotional person, just one who is trusting of my W not to hurt them all the time without concern.
Well, I'm not sure if I can reassure you. See, it can happen any time with any person - people can and will hurt our feelings, maybe not in the way your W does, but still.
There will probably be no guarantees with her either even when (I don't say IF, I say WHEN as Michelle suggests you do too ) your R is back on track.
The thing is I think, and I also think that it corresponds with what you posted on my tread, is that you are not defined by your feelings, and that's the goal of DBing. That whatever happens, even if your feelings are hurt, YOU ARE NOT CRUSHED, you are strong enough to continue being you.
Then, you're less afraid of your feelings being hurt, and you know what I think, at that point there's not much to guard, really. Because you're confident people can't crush you that easily, and therefore you have less trouble reacting.
I'm not saying that's when you can let the hell break loose, but when there's no hell to break loose since you're confident.
COnfused yet?

my ability to NOT dwell on things so much is really helping me actually BE a human, living in the real world, for the first time in my life. It feels unnatural, but really good too!

And that's because you're confident. You don't dwell not because you stop yourself from doing it and are being guarded, but because you don't feel the need to dwell, don't you?
Because you're now confident in your ability to accept and deal with life as it is, not as you planned it to be, period.

Now, having said that, would you entertain a thought that you were separated at birth as triplets?

We are back into the same routines and that is NOT where I want to be.
Point is, when I see our life settleing into this comfortable state again, it makes me want to put pressure on her again because I know this life, the way we used to live it, is NOT what either of us want, and NOT conducive to making her want to dump him and come back full time.
Well, about this I don't even have to think, I'll just go directly to Michelle's book, remember Change your life and everyone in it?
It says, quote, imagine yourself and your life as if a miracle happened inyour sleep and your problems and worries melted away. WHat do you picture yourself feeling? Doing?

Maybe you could try to picture yourself and your M as having changed, different, and hold that picture in your mind; therefore you'll act differently.
You could also try to hold a mental image of this board and what we'll say

But you're right. Don't get sucked into same old routines, because they are the road that brought you here in the first place.
And yes, if we are to believe Michelle, significant changes in oneself will bring about change in R and another spouse.
Just don't forget about those changes until they become a permanent part of you.


To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning. The Talmud