New day, new thread. Thank you once again to all who continue to follow my sitch and help me so much. Without you, I would not be where I am today.
Now, to answer a post by Firedragon on PArob's thread. It was addressed to both of us...
Wow, the old fire breathing FD is back! I like it! That trip really DID do some good for you, lol!
Ok, Rob, since I am on first, I will speak for us (ok, maybe not. I will speak for me).
Quote: Ahem..
And that being said after stating that ROB is concentrating on negatives, overlooking the positives and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy..
EIther I don't get something, or GH just recently said that a) his W clearly said that she went on the trip with him because she wanted to be with him (as if it's not obvious by itself)
b) she doesn't care much about OM's feelings
c) that she is not going to move out (read: not considering separation)
d) is comfortable around him.
I mean, duh!
Of course you can infer all kinds of things from it, that she's just using you to take her on a trip, that she is lying to you about OM (by the way he must be really happy about her going away with you, otherwise he is miserable but again not that it stopped her..), and that she already filed .
Did you mention self-fulfilling prophecy? I wonder what it might be..
Ok. So reading between the lines, I get that you are suggesting that I take my own advice and stop being so negative? (lol). The lucky thing for me is that I have been really successful in keeping this to myself so far and very little of it seeps into my real life outside my head. I am not, however, ignorant to the fact that just entertaining these negative thoughts all the time can't help but influence my actions and moods. I will really try to do as I suggested to Rob and STOP! Thank you.
Quote: Ooh..
DO you imply that right now, not going berserk, losing it, picking fights and snapping at her you ARE NOT being a normal feeling human being?
Or, is becoming a better person and feeling human being means that you feel a lot of emotions some of which of course are let's just say NOT pleasant, but at the same time you choose whether to react or not, not your emotions?
In the same way that you're doing now?
And it only feels unnatural because it's still uncharacteristic of you, since you used to dwell on things, never let go, control everything; which by the way was what led you to the place you are now?
WHat do you think?
Ok, I am totally clear as to what you are infering but lemme try to answer you.
I am saying that I wonder when I will feel safe just being around my W without always being on guard with my feelings. I do not mean to say that I want to just be a reactive, emotional person, just one who is trusting of my W not to hurt them all the time without concern.
I love the fact that I can not choose when, and if I react to my emotions. In that respect, I think I have grown emensly from that controlling, obsessing person who used his emotions as a weapon.
Also, my ability to NOT dwell on things so much is really helping me actually BE a human, living in the real world, for the first time in my life. It feels unnatural, but really good too!
Is that the answer you were looking for, or did I get the question wrong?
Quote: another thing is about your W having to break it with OM in order to start working on your M.
While on the one hand it's reasonable, on the other, the reason why they still keep contact with them is probably the effect of forbidden fruit.
They know it's nesessary, they feel pressure and guilt, which make them resist and cling to the A. I think.
The trick is not to tell them to give up the A< but to make them want to do so. Otherwise even if it happens, it might look and feel as if they were forced to do so, which implies that it was against their will, and they gave up something valuable as asacrifice. See where I'm leading?
It's not likely that by pressuting them you'll get the result that you want: their determination to work on M. So don't pressure.
Instead, make her fear losing YOU. Make her fear that she took a great guy for granted and might lose him, since he doesn't pay that much attention anymore to whatever she's doing..
See where I'm going?
I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING (to cali...lol). No, seriously, I do understand that. It's one of the reasons why I have a big problem right now. Things in our life are REALLY normal, but normal in terms of our OLD M, one I thought I was rid of. We are back into the same routines and that is NOT where I want to be.
I HAVE stopped putting pressure on her so much. Really, I have only come right out and SAID for her to drop him a couple times, but I know my actions still pressure her.
Point is, when I see our life settleing into this comfortable state again, it makes me want to put pressure on her again because I know this life, the way we used to live it, is NOT what either of us want, and NOT conducive to making her want to dump him and come back full time.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW I am still a MUCH better person after all this and really that is what matters most I think. She would have to be blind not to see that, even through the fog of our "normal" life.
In that respect, maybe I need to reevaluate how I think about my M being "different". Maybe it IS enough for me to have changed, and that alone will be change enough to affect subtle, but important changes in my M and W. Wow, sounds a lot like DB, eh?
