Two Harpoons and a Guinness

[MJontheMend]

I agree. But sometimes, at least in my sitch, that is just what is called for. For me, being too subtle just goes whizzing right past her. Then I end up falling into that trap Corri is talking about where you compromise your own boundaries. Hopefully, as we both become more aware, a less direct approach will suffice. It is a fine line and I guess it depends on the person and the sitch.

I should state for the record that it's quite probable that the reason I tend to be more subtle at this point in my relationship is that I was very unsubtle in the past. I mean I already had the big Schnarchian fight where I asked my H if he would prefer that I take a lover since he didn't want to meet my needs and I was dead serious when I suggested this. .

I've been trying to figure out why I've had a sort of negative take on the "boundaries" theory lately. I think it is because I've realized that a boundary is only a true boundary if the line in the sand isn't drawn at the limit of your resentment. If you draw your boundaries based on when you personally start to feel resentment, your boundaries are doomed to be ever shifting and easily compromised. Maybe it's just a matter of semantics but I'm more comfortable with the concept of "manners" as this term is more generally defined. You maintain your own sense of self-respect by following a code of "manners" that is in alignment with your core values rather than your feelings of the moment. For example, I believe that people have the rights of ownership over their own body, so if my H were to say to me "I never want you to hug me again.", I would honor his request. However, since I believe strongly in the value of hugs in primary sexual relationships and I'm not morally opposed to divorce, I would eventually tell him "Since I must honor your request to never be hugged and I desire strongly to be in a relationship where I am reasonably free to hug, I am filing for divorce.". Maybe I just misunderstood the whole boundaries thing, but I guess the difference in my mind is that I feel like I should always respect someone else's boundaries if I choose to stay in a relationship with them. Otherwise, I will lose self-respect.