The last comment was actually very helpful. My H would never tolerate an excuse like that from the kids. The problem is that my H rarely, if ever, actually turns me down. Rather, he pre-empts sexual behavior by grousing so much (tired, kid problems, work) that it is clear that he doesn't want sex. So, back to the post above about personal responsibility - the responsibility we all have to take is for our own sexual desire and our own behavior within the R and not to confuse that with the responsibilities of the other. What I have largely failed to do is to actually pin my H down in the way that HP suggests. "H are you telling me that you don't want to have sex with me because you are tired?" Then, if I were to get an actual refusal I could deal with it in the way you suggest.
I tend to get myself in the following trouble... I try to take personal responsiblity for my own sexuality and I know that I don't really want to have sex with someone who isn't interested - therefore, I don't initiate (until eventually driven to it at which point things range from fair to great). But....my natural libido causes me to be interested on average three or four times/week so I will "test the wind" with my fingers and try to see which way it is blowing. Then H hits me with the "tired spiel" or alternatively, demonstrates relative interest - joking, innuendo, azz pats that eventually, within a few days, results in sex. In the interim, in an effort to be true to my own desire to have sex with someone who actually wants me I live on a roller coaster of "does he/doesn't he, will he/won't he." Inevitably, I begin to try to understand how he arrives at the will he/won't he, I have tried to assign it to myself (maybe he's not attracted, maybe I'm not holding up my share in the R, maybe I'm pressuring, maybe...) or him (maybe he has low T, maybe he's not in love with me, maybe he's sexually repressed, maybe he's depressed). At different times, different explanations make sense.
I am going to open another thread to provide room for your answer since this has become a total hijack.
