I'm finding these business/sales analogies apt and amusing. One interesting thing that happened in my sich is that shortly after my H and I stopped fighting about sex we started fighting more about money.
Here's the problem with this whole sales analogy (IMO). You need to ask yourself what you really want. Do you really want to figure out how to make one more sale a month to your current customer or do you really want your c*ck to be the last cabbage patch doll available in the tri-county area on Christmas Eve?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Whoa, bad visual of hundreds of crazed mothers, hair in shambles, little streaks of blood from the small cuts above the eye, scratching and clawing to get their hands on my, um, cabbage patch doll. Screw it, I'm putting it up on ebay...
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Quote: Do you really want to figure out how to make one more sale a month to your current customer or do you really want your c*ck to be the last cabbage patch doll available in the tri-county area on Christmas Eve?
OMG! That is a good one! Ok, I'll go back to lurking AFTER I clean the coffee off my monitor.
Hi everyone. I could use some coaching relative to "emotional distancing". Here's the latest on my situation.
A little over a week ago, my wife ticked me off and gave me the perfect opportunity to start distancing myself. I basically got chewed out for nothing, and after stewing over it all day I brought up the issue and led into a more general relationship argument. I don't remember many of the specifics, but I basically told her that after years of trying to make our relationship better with no success whatsoever, I'm sick of trying. I also told her that I can't be in love with someone who seems to have no romantic interest in me. Mind you, I still love her, but considering that, to my knowledge, she's never spent any time reading relationship books or searching the internet for answers to relationship problems, I don't think she understands the subtle difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. So I'm pretty sure that she thinks I was saying that I don't love her anymore.
The next day however, she called me while I was on my way to work and acted like nothing had happened. But when I got off the phone with her and didn't say "I love you", I'm sure she noticed. For the next couple of days she avoided calling me unless it was absolutely necessary, and when I continued getting off the phone with just a goodbye, she got pouty and at one point said that I was being mean to her. Now she's not being as openly pouty, but I'm pretty sure that it's still bothering her.
Anyway, I think that I've gotten her attention, but unfortunately I don't really know what else to do. Unlike some of you, it's not as if I had been giving her a massage every night and suddenly stopped doing it - we hardly ever touch as it is. I've continued to be upbeat and happy around her, but that's how I usually am - I'm a very easygoing person. I've also continued to do my part around the house and in taking care of the kids. I can't very well start going out every night as we nearly always have something to do with the kids, plus I don't really want to come across as being purely selfish.
So my question is - what are some other ways that I can distance myself from her? What might actually make things better in the long run? I know that it's hard to come up with something that might work for someone else without knowing a lot more details about their day to day interaction, but any suggestions would certainly be appreciated.
Sooner: Are you distancing because you're trying to get a reaction out of her, (i.e., trying to get her to intiate physical intimacy) or are you distancing because you are emotionally exiting the marriage? Because, if it's the first reason, that's just being manipulative, IMO. If it's the second reason, you need to just tell her that's what you're doing. Another reason for distancing is to maintain your integrity and be less needy, clingy, pressuring, etc.
I suppose I've done all three at one point or another. The third reason comes back every now and then, and, to me, is the only valid reason for distancing if you're staying in the relationship.
But it is not an effective tactic for improving the relationship. It is, essentially, cutting off intimacy by foreclosing communication. You need to talk to her. If you can't talk to her, you need to get MC.
I agree with HD. You should honestly express the fact that you are feeling emotionally distant because of the lack of sex in the marriage. You shouldn't act emotionally distant in order to get more sex.
When I posted about some of my "distancing" behavior, I was talking about behavior in response to rejecting behavior from my H in order to maintain my own self-respect or just to communicate that I had registered his rejecting behavior. For instance, I would stop initiating hugs if I got the "stiff body" response. I wouldn't stop initiating hugs in retaliation for no sex if my H like hugs. Also, even if I had stopped initiating hugs I would remain open and responsive to hugs initiated by my husband.
This isn't the kind of thing you can just do once and be done with it either. For instance, my H started complaining about having to share a bed with me again this weekend. He's a light sleeper. I move around too much..blah,blah,blah. So, I'll probably camp out in the family room this week. If that makes my H feel uncomfortably insecure about our relationship because he knows that I prefer to share a bed than that is his problem. If he feels kind of neglected because it seems like maybe I'm too easily able to replace the pleasures of cuddling with him with a rented chick flick, a couple comforters and a Skinny Cow ice cream treat, too bad. The last time I did this it took a little while but eventually he was wandering into the family room saying things like "Just so you know, if you want to sleep on the bed tonight, I washed all the sheets and adjusted the space heater so it's all nice and comfy.".
I should note here that the sleeping issue is separate from the sex issue in my sich since my H and I are both more inclined towards daytime sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Are you distancing because you're trying to get a reaction out of her, (i.e., trying to get her to intiate physical intimacy) or are you distancing because you are emotionally exiting the marriage? Because, if it's the first reason, that's just being manipulative, IMO. If it's the second reason, you need to just tell her that's what you're doing. Another reason for distancing is to maintain your integrity and be less needy, clingy, pressuring, etc.
To answer your question Hairdog, It's definitely not my intent to emotionally exit my marriage. But my reasons for distancing are probably some combination of the other two. My immediate goal is to maintain my integrity while giving my wife some space. But I'd be lying if I said that I'm not also hoping to eventually get a reaction out of her. It's possible that I've misunderstood some of the advice that I've received on here, but one of my reasons for distancing was to "upset the apple cart" as Lillie said on a previous post.
I really don't like being manipulative and would very much prefer If I could just talk to my wife about what's bothering me and have her care enough about me to do something about it. But I've been trying that now for years without any improvement whatsoever. I honestly don't know what else to do, so I'm trying something that seems to me like it could easily push us farther apart rather than bringing us closer together. I feel like George Costanza - I just think of what I would usually do, then I do the opposite. It's actually not that extreme, but hopefully you get my point.
So what do you think - is distancing going to do more harm than good? Please give me your opinions and advice.
I want to throw something out there for you to think about. Distancing yourself because you are hoping to upset the apple cart is fairly manipulative. There are many of us who have distanced ourselves in our R's, I'm one of them. However, I did that when I reached a point in my R....where I needed a break from working on the R. I didn't have the energy to keep trying....it's what I referred to quite some time back as "my give a damn's busted" phase. Some people have also referred to this as the emotional flu.
I didn't distance myself in order to upset the apple cart, and I honestly didn't do it either to try to get a reaction out of my H....in fact, I knew with certainty he'd be fine with it, because he thought everything was fine anyway....he was happy in our R (we all know why now).
Anyway...it's been my experience that using distancing as a tool tends to backfire....why? Because eventually you'll get upset that what you are doing (or aren't doing in this case) isn't making any difference to your spouse and they seem just fine with it.
Distancing to give yourself space is a completely different issue. Stepping back to take a good look at yourself, to heal a bit, and to do some soul searching as to your part in your M is definitely helpful....at this point you may also choose to GAL for yourself too. I find this type of distancing helpful.
Quote: I didn't distance myself in order to upset the apple cart, and I honestly didn't do it either to try to get a reaction out of my H....in fact, I knew with certainty he'd be fine with it, because he thought everything was fine anyway....he was happy in our R (we all know why now).
GEL- I got to point out an error in your reasoning here. I'm assuming that you are referring to your H's MB habits when you say (we all know why). If MB to porn can make a man content or happy with distancing behavior from their wife why are there any HD men on this BB? That is an option that is open to all except the very conservative. Think about Chrissy's recent post in which she indicates that she is not going to have sex with her H for emotional reasons but will take care of her own physical needs by MB if necessary. The rule of thumb is the LD spouse always feels like they are not having sex with their HD spouse for emotional or relationship reasons and the HD spouse always wants to believe, for good reason, that the problem is more physical or due to purely sexual hang-ups caused by FOO or anything other than their role in the relationship. The actual "truth" of what exactly is causing the problem is probably outside of this realm altogether. It took me a long time to figure this out because I've never been the LD half of a relationship, but unless there is something magical about this BB that causes the HD and LD spouses who post here to be somehow different than all the other HD and LD spouses out in the world, I have to say that I don't understand (please explain) why for instance, you don't believe that your H feels pretty much the same as you did when you were the LD spouse in your previous marriage. I would ask the same question of Karen or IHJ (though we're talking about the same H here) or anyone else on the BB who has ever been the LD spouse. It's kind of scary isn't it? When I read Chrissy's posts I get kind of freaked out because she reminds me of my H in many ways. Basically loving and sweet, but depressive and cranky/picky ("don't touch me like that" etc.). When she wrote that sometimes she wished that her H would just die because that would make her life easier, I knew in my gut that my H has often had that same thought and it made me feel hopeless, hopeless, hopeless even though things are going pretty darn well at this point for us. This is why I keep trying to figure out how to get beyond, above, around this whole HD/LD paradigm.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Ok, I'll go back to lurking AFTER I clean the coffee off my monitor. 
