Two Harpoons and a Guinness

[MJontheMend]

I hope this isn't a hijack. I went back and read some of your threads and was really struck by the following reply that jen made to the second one:

My H pretty much just gave up on me about 2 years ago. No more initiating. He just started leaving me alone. I don't think he had a master plan. I think after 9 years of rejections he was just tired of the fight.

That gave me some releif. And took some pressure off. But along with leaving me alone sexually he has also left me alone emotionally. No more back rubs (which I used to get daily and I love), sharing of feelings, romance, touching, snuggling, effection, kindness, patience, etc. He went into the "I don't care mode." He told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Ouch.

So It's been about 2 years of this. And I am just now starting to miss him. You see he was so overboard and in my face about it before that it has taken me this long to really miss a "relationship"

About 2 months ago I dawned on me that I missed him and all the lovely things he used to do for me. I missed his smile. I missed our connection. And the passion. I thought: we are to young to be living like this. Everyday was passing us by in monotone, bland, stale sameness

This is part of the reason why I don't initiate sex. If you are HD and you are in a SSM and you don't want to leave the marriage for reasons having to do with children, religion etc., you really do need to give your LD spouse "space" in the relationship by emotionally distancing yourself - not in a cold, angry way, but in a taking care of yourself way. Otherwise, you are like the kid who keeps coming home crying to Mommy because his best friend hit him and when Mommy asks "Why do you keep playing with someone who hits you?" replies "Because he is my best friend.".

For instance, last fall in addition to not initiating sex, I also stopped initiating or immediately discontinued any other positive behavior to which I regularly got a negative response, such as hugs or pleasant conversations. Then one day my H and I were out hiking and having a pleasant conversation and I unconsciously reached out to hold his hand. He was so happy and he grabbed my hand so tight, because he had learned to miss/appreciate these gestures from me once they were gone.

Sooner, my suggestion for the moment to you would be to concentrate on spending quality time with your daughters since it seems like they are the source of your greatest happiness in your marriage. It's actually possible that they will appreciate the sacrifice that you are making for them.