You have such a nurturing soul. Thanks for your kind words and understanding.
I sometimes wonder if I have a problem connecting with people, or I should say I HAD a problem. It seems to be so easy now. But my M was built on the old me, and thus all the old issues are in play. How do you flush away the old and start from ground zero? I mean, I hear lots of people saying it, but how do you REALLY do it? I need a reset button.
"She doesn't see a fraction, I bet, of what you hold inside you."
No, she really doesn't. Partly because she can be judgemental and dismissive of my ideas. Granted I do have a lot of outlandish and silly thoughts, but they are my thoughts.
"But I do hear you. Me and plenty of others. I'm thinking of you King Chrome."
That means a lot to me.
Chrome You're such a sweetheart. Don't like to hear that your W is dismissive or judgmental. That is sooo not how you are so I can't see someone being like that to you. Again, you need to call her on that when she is doing it. Not cool. As for the reset button, there is none unfortunately. We have to deal with our M's at the point they are, with all the history that goes along with it. All you can do is make new history starting right now. Stop the bad patterns with your W. You know what they are. And most of all, be yourself. Don't hide the true you from her. She needs to see it, as different as that may be from how she now sees you.
Quote: Why not? I mean I guess I can understand because you can never really completely keep your eye off a little one
Yes precisely. It is the season of our lives, Chrome. It will pass and then we will be crying in our cornflakes that our children are not cute lil babies anymore.
Although I yearn for a time where we can get back to each other, I am in no hurry for my little ones to grow up. The yearning for H has chilled a little, now that we have created our own mini-fireworks version (in bed at night with the kids asleep, but hothothot).
My original point was to NOT give up on having fireworks. It is doable, even in a long term R where the initial love chemicals have worn off. But you may have to adjust what your definition of fireworks is, to include things that you can do right now, then you can build on that when the blessed day arrives that you don't have 1 or more kids literally hangin on your pants legs.
The yearning for H has chilled a little, now that we have created our own mini-fireworks version (in bed at night with the kids asleep, but hothothot).
HP, that is great for you. But for people like myself (and if I can speak for Chrome here) is that the fireworks just aren't happening. Kids or no kids. 1 month, 1 year, 10 years into the R. So it is hard to just say, wait until the kids are older. My real fear is that when the kids are older, we really won't have enough "fireworks" to hold us together.
I think you missed the point of Honeypots post......
("You may have to adjust what your definition of fireworks is, to include things that you can do right now.....")
Honestly....this is something I have had to do too. As I call it....expand my definition. I did this prior to what I found out about my H FWIW. I found expanding my definition of what an R should be or what "romance" should be...helped us both have a better chance at success.
I think you missed the point of Honeypots post...... No, I didn't miss the point. I just disagree with it I found expanding my definition of what an R should be or what "romance" should be...helped us both have a better chance at success. Here's my problem. To me, "romance" has within it a very passionate, sexual aspect. My H has always been good at planning romantic trips, writing romantic cards, notes, etc. But none of that is very meaningful to me because I do not have the passion to go with it. I like it. But it's not what I want/need. So you are saying I need to change this want/need? If I do, that means I will accept never having sexual passion in my life...forever. That's it. Give it up. Don't try and talk me into trying, trying, trying, with H. It's just not there. As BF says, (sexual) attraction is not a choice. I can "act" like it is but then I would be faking. And I honestly think H and I have been "faking it" our entire M. I am not willing to give up my desire for intimacy/passion. So logically, the conclusion is staring me in the face. I am not ready to do that either (for now) so I am going to fake it somewhat for now. And I hate that, so the next conclusion is avoid the sex. So now I am in a full-on SSM with really no hope for any major turn-around that will ever be satisfactory to me. Can you tell I'm in a pissy mood?
No....you didn't hear me correctly. I said EXPAND your definition not CHANGE it. Your defnition will still include your idea of "romance"...but why can't it include the things he does as well? I see it this way....
If you continually focus on the passion aspect right now....the aspect you are missing and craving.....you are missing the things he is doing as well. Therefore you probably aren't validating what he views as his attempts at "romance" until he learns to do what you view as "romance". By adding those things that he DOES do for you to your definition of romance.....and accepting that this is A way romance CAN be shown you give both of you a better chance of success in this area. Lately, I'm seeing this at work in my R.
I finally came to the point where I started to truly accept that my H is an AOS type of person....he just doesn't have the same LL's I do...end of story. He's not "romantic" by what is probably your definition (and used to be mine...you know "passionate"...the way Chrome is). BUT by choosing to accept his AOS as one of his forms of romance I've found that some of my behaviors towards him have changed (also prior to DDay), but that meant me accepting him for who he is....right now. Not who I want him to be. Then I began to notice after awhile that his behaviors towards me were becoming what I perceived (in my original perception) to be....more passionate and romantic. When I finally let go and truly accepted him for who he was....it was like he felt free to let go and start doing things differently, because I wasn't judging him anymore.
It doesn't happen quickly, it's a gradual change for us.....but it HAS happened....it WAS happening prior to the day I practiced the rose shotput after Valentine's day too. I don't want you to think he's doing these things now because he's trying to make up to me....what I'm talking about was all prior to that.
GEL I REALLY appreciate your attempt to help me sort this out. But as I read through your post I just keep saying, but, but, but. For instance, BUT your H is really HD. He is open to expressing himself sexually, maybe even kinky, he just needed to get comfortable doing that with you. The more time that goes on with H, the more I feel like he really is LD, or simply just not comfortable expressing himself sexually at all. He will do many things (sexually) but never appears comfortable with it. It seems so forced and that turns me off. I have attempted to really let him be who he is.Just as you have with your H. The whole porn incident kick-started a lot of progress for you (sexually). And I wanted the seperation in my M to do something similar but it is apples and oranges. If I let him truly be who he is, then I will NOT be satisfied in this M. And vice versa. If I let myself be truly who I am, he will not be satisfied in the M. So one of us has to change...surrender.
I was just thinking some more about the romance/passion/sex connection and I think part of my fixation on this is that I have never had both at the same time. I have had great sexual R with men/boys in my life and I have had lots of romance (minus passion) with H. I yearn to have that connection with someone that is full of passion/romance and sex at the same time. Why is that so hard???? Never mind me, I'm just whining.
I'm honestly doubting your H is as LD as you may think. I think it's highly likely he's not comfortable expressing himself sexually with you....heck neither was my H. He chose to go to the internet where it was "safe" to express himself....where he couldn't be hurt by showing that side of himself. Well...not until I found out about it anyway....then it was definitely risking life/limb!
If your H is truly not comfortable expressing himself sexually with you....I feel it's because he doesn't feel safe doing that with you. It could be because of a plethora of issues....it could be because he has a perception of what he "thinks" you are as my H did with me. I don't know obviously what's in his head.....but here are some of the things I've learned recently.
Since I found out what I did about my H....geesh, I've researched and researched. There are very rare cases of truly LD men.....but the vast majority of the men I've found so far in my research....have had other issues going on. It wasn't that they didn't have a SD. It's been that they didn't want to expose vulnerability, they didn't perceive their W as "that type of woman" (more common than you realize), they had intimacy issues, there was abuse in their past, their diet affected their SD....etc, etc. Some went online, like my H did, some had affairs, some....just did nothing. But they all had a SD that would take them out of our perception of LD.
Sure, I found out what my H was doing online. But LFL, I honestly don't think that he would have changed his behavior towards me, sexually speaking, if I hadn't stopped hiding who GEL is (completely). If I hadn't unleashed my porn star within and forced him to deal with me one on one, as is...who I am, no holds barred. I really don't think his behavior would have changed. His perception of me wouldn't have changed. I would have still been that Good Girl Wife in his mind.
Now though he's being forced to deal with me....all of me. As a result he's now becoming more comfortable expressing himself sexually with me too.
Good post GEL. I think I misstated what I meant by LD. I do not think my H is biologically LD from lack of T or anything like that. I think it is what you were saying - sexual repression, inhibition, fear of vulnerability. But look, after 10+ years of M, I would hope that we could get to a point of being comfortable enough with each other to deal with this sh!t. Especially after the seperation. And if there is one thing H and I are good at doing, it's talking this issue til the cows come home. He has admitted to me that in every R he has had with a woman/girl, he has been this way. I was certainly not his first. But he admits to always feeling inhibited in this area. So, the history/pattern of behavior was there way before me.
