I just want to say thanks to all the Martians and rationals who weighed in on this one. I have taken your advice and have dropped the subject completely, from the last interaction.
This weekend we are just hanging out and enjoying ourselves. It's colder than is typical, and rainy, so no golf or other outside activities are planned.
I'm just playing it loose. Last night we had an interesting conversation over dinner. I would like some Martian input here.
SO is still expressing a level of insecurity. I am not certain of the roots of this. He expressed this during R1 -- kept expecting me to find someone better and leave him. While this has no founding in the 5 years we've been together, I know it probably has some psychological grounding in his R with his mother.
It's funny because in one breath he expresses concern that I will find someone "better" and leave him, then in the next breath he expresses self-confidence.
Thoughts on this one, gang? I'm never quite sure what my response should be to these expressions. On one hand, I am very sympathetic to those feelings. On the other hand, considering the hell I have gone through and back in order to save this R, I get a little irritated with these expressions. Of course I don't express that irritation or frustration -- it's just something I sit on.
Hey there, read your last post and it hit a chord. My H has similar issues...though his feelings of "you can do better than me, I screwed up too much" translates to "I am afraid to love you" which then leads to "now I will run away in a variety of ways: emotionally, totally (break-up), A, etc)." Usually, these phases are interspersed with a hard "pushing Always away" by being mean, rude, aloof etc. I suspect this is happening now, which his facing of his A.
I think similar things may apply in your case. Wherever the root (mother, previous R, etc), it's YOUR issue now.
I know you've been through a lot, but as one friend explained to me, think of this insecurity, vulnerability as the child in him. As the SO, it's your duty, out of love, to take care of this in a person. If you think hard, there are things he does to take care of YOUR vulnerabilities/insecurities.
I guess, we're not perfect, we are human and weak. By coupling with another, we seek a person who will recognize these 'cracks' in us, love it and protect it.
Just a different take on things. I'm trying REALLY hard in the compassion department these days, so please forgive!
Quote: It's funny because in one breath he expresses concern that I will find someone "better" and leave him ... Of course I don't express that irritation or frustration -- it's just something I sit on.
Hmmm. Not a good combination in my book.
How about something like: SO - "{Something about insecurity}" M, wearing her armor - "SO, you said something like that last night/before/on Thursday/whenever. Is there something I say or do that brings that to your mind?" (Or you can ask right out, "that brings out that feeling in you.")
As you listen, you might find some more understanding/compassion for his insecurity, whatever it is. You might also get a clue how to express that hearing about the insecurity without having a chance to help him doesn't sit well with you.
Or something like that.
Happy Mother's Day!
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
SO's off duty cycle is extending through the rest of May. Something negotiated with his XW and D16. I'm not sure exactly what this means June will bring in terms of QT together. SO actually asked for my opinion while he was negotiating this with XW. I said, "I'm not exactly sure I'm the best one to offer advice or an opinion in this one. I can't be unbiased." Anyway, I'm just enjoying the extra time with him now. This is a 180 for me. In the past I would have made my opinion WELL-known, and pouted quite a bit when I didn't get my way. I would have let him know that I thought he was being unfair to me.
We had a reasonably quiet weekend, which was good, because we were both pooped after the busy week we had each had. Friday night we stayed in, grilled dinner, and watched a DVD. Saturday we parted ways to take care of our own "stuff". Saturday evening we met up for a theatre movie and a late dinner afterwards. Just very calm and relaxing time. Yesterday we again split up to go our own ways for the holiday; he to his Mom's family for a big dinner, me to my daughter's to spend time with her family and my mom. Grandson #1 will be ONE YEAR OLD in three weeks! I CAN'T get over that! Gosh he was so good, too, despite not having adequate nap time.
I also talked to my mom about the idea of her relocating to the town I currenly live in. She will be 79 later this year, and I just don't think she's taking care of herself like she should be. I'd like to have her nearby so I can keep a closer eye on her. Unfortunately, for reasons beyond my comprehension, my brothers just are not that interested in her fate during her later years. I guess they're just too busy with "their own" families, again, despite the fact they both consider themselves good Christian men, and Promise Keepers to boot. Hrumph! Anyway, she seems to be open to it, and although there are a few barriers we will need to overcome, I would like to have her here and settled in before next winter.
I went back over to SO's for the night last night. Again, we just hung out, talked, watched tv, for just a short while before turning in for the night.
Tonight and tomorrow night will be "off nights". I need to work on a paper that is due on Tuesday, and I need to get to the gym. SO needs to work on class work for his class on Tuesday.
The weather has been unseasonably wet and chilly here, so not much time or opportunity for outside activities. I am debating about taking the summer off from class work. It would only be 8 weeks, but I think I may do that so I can relax and enjoy the summer a bit.
That's about it for now...back to work! <whip crack!>
Sorry to hijack the thread, but I need to shout out to the Bruce-ster now that he's surfaced.
Dude, email me. My address changed. kjl0970@yahoo.com I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well on your end.
Now, back to M!
Awesome about your grandson and SO. Your concern for your mom reminds me of why you hold a special place in my heart. I'm sorry that your siblings don't share your sense of duty. Hope you're well.
Hrumph! Anyway, she seems to be open to it, and although there are a few barriers we will need to overcome, I would like to have her here and settled in before next winter.