Well, first off, I'd say that I am not always deire after arousal...but most of the time.
But again, what causes arousal? Different things in different people. Some things can arouse me for sex that are not sexual! I'm sure other women are the same.
Gaining an emotional connection through spending time together talking, laughing, being vulnerable...holding hands, passionate kissing when not getting ready for sex, looking in each others eyes...have this ability to help EC.
If I know sex is coming and we've both just been living kind, couteous, separate lives...then it can very much beccome a "performance" on my part when it comes to having sex. I can make the noises and say the words, and do all the actions...well not all, but it ain't bad. And I have to do it because "gotta have sex". Ok. I make the detemination to connect and love and do absolutely everything that I know. Thinking about all that is great about B that I love....
But then explain this comment to me that you said,
"The problem in the desire follows arrousal is that one person in the marraige in effect must provide ALL the desire."
Who is providing the desire? Seems like I am taking desire into my own hands and endeavoring not only to be sexual but to mentally work out desire...reasons for it...logically...then try to emotionally express them.
This is not a planned effort against trying to do so on Barney's part. I know that.
I think that some people perhaps get their emotional connection through sex...???? And it is difficult to understand the other S who find sex then making love because they come into sex already having made an EC.
This is probably why it is good to be so different in M. BOTH parties have to work on understanding and making adjustments in their own lives to please the other one sexually and emotionally.
CeMar said, "How do you show desire, be openly horny, WITHOUT HELP from the man."
Don't you think CeMar that perhaps there are things the KILL desire!! That is also a possibility. Being resentful of doing things for the other person ..can kill desire. Angry words...can kill desire. Nagging...can kill desire. Silent treatment...can kill desire. Being sleep deprived from children, illness, or work...can kill desire. Changing hormones...can kill deire. And a host of other things.
Being angry at the other person because they don't have the same desire that you do can only kill the desire more.
Trying to understand, come up with a solution...whether a doctor, help around the house, or taking your S on a date...can only improve desire.
So I don't think it is necessary just things that need to be done..but also, things that people do that kill desire. And I think most don't have a clue that they are doing so.
