What makes a HD feel wanted?

[MrsNOP]

She does say that she wants to do what I want and she does say that she wants me. I just can't seem to get past the evidence. For example, I thought for years that she turned me down and rejected my ideas was because she didn't like sex, and I told her so. She has strongly denied that. Ok...so if she really likes sex then it must be me. I don't know what else to think.

At some point you have to drop the load you're dragging in regards to your past interactions.

She turned you down because she was ignorant (this does not mean stupid, just unknowledgeable).

She turned you down because she was inexperienced.

She turned you down because she wanted a shiny knight to sweep her off her feet.

She turned you down because women our age and of our background were indoctrinated with the poison that good girls don't engage in sex.

She turned you down because she had not been instructed on the goodness of sex during her formative years.

Find me a church of the 60s and 70s who didn't leave the youth with the understanding that sex was dirty, unspeakable, a physical necessity and an indication of the sinfullness of humans - and I'll start searching for the hidden pentagram - cause they either didn't exist or they were "of the debbil".

When she says she wants me, I think she's saying that she loves me, wants us to be close, wants an affectionate relationship with hugging and kissing, and that of course will lead to sex. I want all of that, too.

What I can't seem to get across is that I need her to want me sexually. To be pointed about it, I need her to want my d*ck! I need her to want to use me for her personal and selfish sexual satisfaction. I don't see anything unloving about that, and frankly, that would make me the most romantic man on the planet.

You can get there, Barney,
* but not by rejecting her,
* not by making rude comments about her body,
* not by telling her it was good and then retroactively tellin her it wasn't.

You CAN get there by
* making love more often.
* extending your affection and physical touch toward each other during the day.
* taking the time to verbally express good things to each other.
* stop playing pushme-pullyou.
* start making better memories to help replace the hurtful ones from your past.
* by both of you working toward stretching and increasing your sexuality.
* by you extending yourself to your wife sexually, instead of leaving it all to her and then rejecting her when she tries to initiate.
* give her the room to grow into her sexuality rather than judging her for not being there yet.

I've told her that. Her reply has been, "But I do!" But she often walks by my morning wood without acknowledgment and always without contact. She did rub on me in the hotel a few weeks ago (as she said in her thread), but it seems to only be in "coreographed" or scheduled situations.

How is she supposed to know that she can approach you sexually and not be ignored by you? Can you not meet her halfway? You can't laughingly say, "Someone's waving at you over here."?

And I call bullshit on the hotel situation. It was rude for you to ignore your wife. Period.

I'm sure there is some choreographing going on. You should recognize the symptoms - you know the -

"I wonder if I should intiate."

"I wonder if he's open to having sex with me."

"I wonder the best way to approach him in a way that will be positive and hopefully be successful."

"Okay, try to forget that he turned you down last week and see if you can work up enough nerve to approach him again."

"I really want to connect with my husband, maybe tonight's the night."

You know, those same feelings you went through in the past. You didn't choreograph those? Before NG had the epiphany and started recognizing her error?

My dilema is that I'm not convinced that what I want is possible or fair to her. It's like making your kids eat a bite of broccoli every so often because it's good for them. That's understandable and good parenting. But it's different to expect a grown adult to start liking broccoli when they really don't.

You can't determine that Barney. You can't look at it from this side and say what she is and is not capable of.

I like cheese. So, years ago while as guest at someone's table, I thought, "blue cheese dressing"? Hey, it's got cheese in it, can't be bad!"

I thought I was going to retch at the table.

But, I love blue cheese now. The analogy breaks some in that sex never made me retch, but it was a taste that I had not fully developed.

What I have discovered is this - I want sex more often now. I am more comfortable with it. More comfortable with NOP. I am looking forward to some experimentation in the near future (we have a major occurance that we must get through which has resulted in massive stress levels leaving us both without the werewithal to pursue it). I no longer fail to orgasm.

CeMar said something true when it come to my desires. "I don't need sex, I need NG to need sex!" It goes even further for me. I need NG to need me for the sex she needs! That's probably not fair, but I still want it.

What are you doing that will help accomplish this?

This can be done. I am living proof of it. You have a willing wife now, but you seem to push her further away from you. Treat your wife in a loving, sexual manner and she can treat you in a loving, sexual manner.

But you're going to have to drop your weapons, your resentments, and whatever other negative thing that you are holding dearly to your chest rather than re-engage with your wife.

MrsNOP -