I think you're caught in a loop of binary thinking:
She will be the f*ckbuddy I need.
or
She will never be the f*ckbuddy I need.
Your wife is in an impossible position.
If she does nothing sexually, then it's the sam-o, sam-o and the relationship continues to hurtle into a shitpit.
If she does anything sexually, you discount it because she's not exhibiting the ideal that you hold in your head. And the relationship continues to hurtle into a shitpit.
Either of these thoughts & actions lead you to a shitpit and what you've posted in this thread indicates that you believe that's going to be your marriage's final resting place.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Why is it not possible to accept that this is a process and that you can make both your sex life and your marriage better? What ever endeavor one sets out on, there is a period of "training" time. You have never had the sex life you desired and NG has never had the relationship she desired.
What so impossible about the two of you making a concerted effort at working toward what both of you want?
Why can't you reach for her hand, lean over and touch her, express warmth toward her?
Or do you do these things each day and she recoils from you?
Why can't she work toward expressing her sexuality, coming to you with lips ready for a passionate kiss, a hug with a grope?
Or does she do this things and you recoil from her?
She caused harm by her actions & words toward you in the past. You caused harm with your actions & words toward her in the past.
Is she still causing active harm toward you with her words and actions? Are you still causing active harm toward her with your words and actions?
If both of you are saying harsh, uncaring words toward each other - are you both willing to stop it?
From my understanding of her posts, NG has approached you for sex and you have turned her down. It appears that there is little attempt by you to express affection toward her. If I recall correctly you have made love to her in the past and then later told her you didn't enjoy it.
I read her posts and unless she's playing to the audience here, I see her working, thinking, acting on improving her relationship with you.
Are you doing the same - working, thinking and acting on improving your marriage? I haven't seen an indication of that. Correct me if I'm wrong. Or is your assertion of your give a damn being broke, an indication of the lack of your participation in your marriage?
NG needs to step out of her comfort zone and work towards boosting and expressing her sexuality.
But you need to stop stepping on her seed sprouts and grinding them down because they aren't the sunflowers you always wanted. How can anything grow under that condition?
Did she squash you in the past? Yeah. From ignorance, selfishness, etc.. If you are squashing her now, to me it is the greater offense - because you are doing it from a position of knowing better.
Can she become a sexual banshee in the next couple of weeks? Unlikely.
But she can actively work on her sexuality. She can actively work on her sexual inhibitions. She can strive to push open her sexual envelope of experience. And she can do it quickly - we're talking a few weeks, not years based on how often you're having sex now and how willing you are to work with her.
But she is never going to be able to do that in your current relationship with full success, because it isn't safe to do so with you at this time.
Perhaps a part of you enjoys giving back to her as good as you got in the past? I hope that's not true.
You wrote about "not paying for sex with romance".
And if I recall correctly, you used to think foreplay was a waste of time. I hope that's not true anymore.
NG can no longer hide behind the "no nookie" sign. Her eyes have been opened and her heart softened toward you. Romance is not a way to purchase sex, it is a form of foreplay and you now have a wife who isn't making you jump through hoops. Do you perceive any affectionate interaction with your wife as some sort of "selling out"? That you're compromising yourself in some fashion?
The romance you express toward your wife NOW isn't a hoop to jump through in the hopes of ML, it is what it should have been - a way of touching base with each other during the day, keeping the emotional connection viable and preparing for a fun time later.
You are not doomed as this thread seems to indicate.
If you open your heart, deal with your resentment & hurt, and start working together with your wife on your sex life, you may discover that you are heading closer and closer to that ideal you hold. And you may find the something that satisfies that longing you have.
